It's Killing Me

Lets make a lovely list of the things I'm taking away, or decreasing slowly, from my life.
Because at the end of the day it isn't doing me any good, it's a downfall, or it's simply killing me.
Disclaimer : Somewhat over dramatized :)

McDonalds is killing me : No more! Fast food can be an every now and then thing, but it will not be the whole freaking meal, and it will be a small. The money adds up, and every time it is consumed, it slows me down. It's killing me.

Heart ache is killing me : Eew. OVER IT. I'm so happy with my boyfriend, he is wonderful and supports everything I do. Even my love for Max Adler. I'm keeping us strong and healthy. And any heart ache or regrets I had, they are gone. Because they were killing me.

Sitting around all day : If I have nothing to do, If I have no class or I'm not working until that night and I notice I'm just sitting around, I need to find something productive to do. If there is really nothing, OFF TO THE GYM! I'm finally back on that track and I've been going. Very happy to get back on there. But no more just sitting there! It does nothing for me.

Spending money I don't have : KILLING my checking account. Saving up a ton of money and doing something fabulous and special for me with it. No more buying crap I don't need. And going to try only spending on food when I'm out with a friend or something. No more few dollars here, and a few there. It adds up!

This one is really personal... Don't judge me.
Throwing up my food... : I do it sometimes, when I feel guilty about what I've eaten. And every time I do, I hate myself. I know it's horrible, I know it's gross. But it's desperation. It's been going on a few months. Amazing what pressure and bullying can do to someone, even when they are so motivated to help others and change. But I have to stop it, it's killing me.

Lack of sleep: I NEED more sleep! I can't do the 5 or 6 hours anymore. I need to go to bed at a good time and wake up at a decent time. Starting tomorrow I guess, seems that it's 1:30 a.m. right now..

NEGATIVITY : I can't listen to the negativity anymore. I can't think that way and I can't listen to it. I hear people all over facebook, twitter, youtube, and all around me, talking about fat people. I hear the verbal abuse, the name calling, the picking on. And I've had enough. I am not going to let that poison effect my life and what I've accomplished thus far.

I have more to do, and more to work on to give myself a better life. I'm going to start a P90X or Insanity sort of thing soon, and go to the gym at LEAST every other day. No more excuses. No more bad stuff infecting my lifestyle.
Here's to making it better. Videos will be up soon about the holidays and New Years resolutions!

I love you all so much!

-Alexa Starky

All the song lyrics I want to post on facebook. More to add later.

You know when you can easily quote something, and you're dying to put it on facebook, but there are just too many? Well, I feel that way everyday. So, I decided I will make a blog with all the songs stating how I feel. May seem a little bipolar, but hey, what else is knew?
P.S. More will come. Love you all.

You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go, baby it aint fair ya know to just keep me hanging round. - Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers

I just want to be free, I just want to be me. - Hair by Lady Gaga

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams of which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles its a very, very, mad world. - Mad World by Gary Jules

In another life I would be your girl, we'd keep all our promises be us against the world. In another life, I would make you stay. So I won't have to say you were the one that got away. The one that got away....
Time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.
All this money can't buy me a time machine. No. Can't replace you with a million rings. No. I should have told you what you meant to me. Because now I pay the price....
- The one that got away by Katy Perry (Favorite song at the moment)

I learned love is like a brick you can build a house or sink a dead body - Judas by Lady Gaga

Oh, sometimes, I get a good feeling. Yeah. I get a feeling that I never ever ever had before, no no. I get a good feeling, yeah! - Good Feeling by Flo Rida

Bless your soul you got your head in the clouds you made a fool out of me and boy your bringing me down you made my heart melt and your cold to the core but rumour has it I'm the one your leaving her for.. - Rumour Has It by Adele

My hands, their strong. But my knees were far to weak. To stand in your arms without falling to your feet. Set Fire to the Rain by Adele

Nobody said it was easy. It's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start. -The Scientist by Coldplay

When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep. Dreamed of para para paradise. - Paradise by Coldplay

I could have been a princess, you'd be a king. Could have had a castle, worn a ring but no. You let me go. And stole my star. Because you really hurt me. - Princess of China by Coldplay.

Mr playing games only got yourself to blame when you want me back again but I aint coming back again. - Mr. Know It All by Kelly Clarkson

It's been a long time since I came around, been along time but I'm back in town. And this time I'm not leaving without you. - You and I by Lady Gaga

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I sell them for a dollar. They're worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing, funny when you're dead how people start listening.... - If I die Young by The Band Perry

We could have had it all rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hand. But you played it, with a beating. - Rolling in the Deep by Adele

I'm not loving you the way I wanted to. What I had to do had to run from you. I'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong, and it haunted me all the way home.
I'm not loving you the way I wanted to. See I wanna move, but can't escape from you, So I keep it low. Keep a secret code, so no one else don't have to know. - Love Lockdown by Kanye West

I make believe, that you are here. It's the only way I see clear. What have I done, you seem to move on easy. And every time I try to fly I fall without my wings. I feel so small, I guess I need you baby. And every time I see you in my dreams I see your face, you're haunting me. I guess I need you baby. - Every Time by Britney Spears

I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but though you're still with me. I've been alone all along. - My Immortal by Evanescence

Regrets and mistakes they're memories made. Who would have known how bitter sweet this would taste. Never mind I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don't forget me I beg I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. - Someone Like You by Adele

My Sex and the City Analogy

My life is like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.
I mean, no I don't have her clothes, her body, her hair, her apartment, none of that.
But her love life...
Before the movies, I mean.

I have someone I am smitten for. My own Mr. Big. He's handsome, he's funny, he's tall, he's a charmer, he's sexy. He's my "perfect" guy. I've been head over heels for him since day one. Things didn't work out, and we didn't talk for months...
Then comes my Aiden. The sweetest guy I've ever met! A one in a million. And he was totally into me. He would do anything for me...
We saw each other for awhile, but Mr. Big would always pop up someway or another. Me and my Big run into each other sometimes, and when we do, it's like we never left each other. And every time I see him, I somehow become someone else. I just want to be what he wants me to be...
And my Aiden, he likes me for me...

What's wrong with Carrie? What's wrong with me?...

Mr. Big and Carrie were always meant to be together. Every time I watch them, I just kind of know. Those two are meant to be together. But her and Aiden were so cute, and he really cares about her. I feel like I'm watching my story, and I also don't know what to do...

Carrie ended up with Mr. Big, and broke Aidens heart. How will I end up?...

Well, just like Carrie, I will be keeping up to date on here, just like her column...
Lets just hope for a happy ending this season..

-Alexa Starky

I'm Thankful For :

Well, Thanksgiving is over. The food has been digested, the shopping is finished, family has gone home. It was a great few days. Looking back at the last few years, there is a lot to be thankful for. I'm going to share a few special ones.

I'm thankful for : My Parents. Yeah we argue and disagree sometimes, but at the end of the day we love each other. It's hard being a working college student, with all of these new responsibilities and not feel pressured. I've definitely started to lose myself in this. You think you have it all 'figured out' in high school, when you really have no idea. Then suddenly all of this pressure hits. You are forced to think about new things and take on new challenges. And I've had my break downs. But my parents have always been there to support me when I'm falling. They are easy to talk to, they give good advice, and they know what they are doing. They've had, and sometimes still do have their hard times, but they are inspiring the way they push through it and learn from it. I'm grateful to have them in my life to help me light my path, but also give me the freedoms a good 19 year old girl deserves. I love you both with all my heart.

I'm thankful for : My Sister. She's pretty much the coolest, most real person ever. She's just fabulous. She only does what she knows is right for her. She's fierce and hilarious and I'm happy we got to become so close this past year. Some of my favorite times are with her. We can talk about anything and she gets it. She's always here for me, and I couldn't have asked for a better sister. And I hate to bring this up, but, Jocelyn is looking down on us, Jaclyn. And she is grateful for what we have. She gave you life, and she gave me you, and I love you.

I'm thankful for : My wonderful friends. I think I have some of the most incredibly group of friends. They are people I can talk to about anything. Brady, who has been my best friend for so many years, has been here for me through everything. Even when I took stuff out on him, he knew there was something wrong, and he would try to help me, rather than hate me. He gives me perspective in life and I adore him. Joy is always here for me! We are together all the time! I talk to her about everything and I am so happy I get to spend time with someone so generous toward others. She's amazing. I miss a lot of my friends dearly! Ariel, Jessica, Mark, Tierney, Patrick, Josiah, Steven, Eian, and a lot of others! You all make my days better, and I wish I could see you all more than I do. But just know that the memories with all of you are the ones I never will forget. And no matter how long it takes for us to see each other, it's always like we were never apart. And for that, I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for : Gabriel. I'm sure everyone is like 'huh?' Well, Gabriel is an incredibly special person. Since the first day I met him he was a gentleman. He has the sweetest heart. He will take care of anyone he loves before himself, and I got to experience this first hand. When we were together, he knew something was off about me. And he tried so hard to make me feel better. Every time I'd see him he had something for me because he was thinking about me. He made me feel like the only girl on the planet. But he knew I needed to work on myself. And he supported me, even when I had to end it... He deserved me to be 100% into it like he was. He is still here for me today like he was then, and he has helped me a lot. Whenever I need him, he is there and it means so much to me. I don't talk about it much, but when it comes to an amazing person, he completes the list. Gabriel, you're amazing, you're sweet, you're one of the kindest human beings I know, and I'm so thankful for everything you did, and still do, for me. Thank you so much.

I'm thankful for : my family. From my Mom's side to my Dad's side, everyone is so unbelievable. They all support me, help me, and make me a better person. They give me experiences, they tell me stories that have changed my life, and they have given me a huge heart. Every single one of them has helped me in some way. They are so giving and so kind. I will never forget when I lost my wallet in Chicago, and my uncle Barry who I hardly ever see, drove an hour to get me some money to survive. It's things like that. And my incredible aunt Samantha and Kat who inspire me every single day to reach for me real dreams. It happened for them, and I want to be just like them. Randy, for being the coolest uncle ever! He means so much to me, and I love talking to him. Stacey, who is always giving love from Virginia and I just adore her visits. She is so generous! My Bubbie, for telling me her stories of her past and inspiring me to be a better person. My uncle David, for still singing Memories from Cats to me, it's something I'll never forget. My Nana and Papa for being here for me everyday and loving me. My aunt Niecie for giving me perspective and teaching me how to be a strong teenager. My aunt Pam and Uncle Stu, for being so strong. Even in such hard times, they are so strong and so loving. RIP Joan Biscoe. We love and adore you so much. You are ALL a huge part of my life and I'm so grateful to have such strong people in my blood.

Last but never least:

I'm thankful for : My Mission to Change. I think it's simple to say that this blog has saved my life. My readers and the support and love they give me. You have taught me so much. I've become a new person inside and out. I feel beautiful, and I never felt beautiful. I'm not afraid of the bully anymore. I'm not afraid to be myself. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm still learning, and there is still so much to accomplish, but I wouldn't have ever made it this far without my blog and my readers. I'm so thankful. It's changed my life forever, and I'm going to keep going. There is more to learn and more to write, and I'm so thankful that I'm not alone in this. You're all so amazing, and you've taught me that I don't have to pretend anymore. I love you all so much. This blog is a part of me now. It's a tattoo in my heart. And I'm always going to be learning as I go.

I'm thankful for you.

I love you all so much.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Alexa Starky

At the End of the Day

I am a happy person. I am working on my life. I have incredible people in it who care about me. I have a family who supports me.

It has its downs and low points. But the highs make it worth it.

This world is a game. And there will always be obstacles.

But I'm in love. I love myself. My family. My friends. My followers. My dogs. A boy.

Love is what you make it.

And I'm just riding the wave. Lets see where it takes me shall we.

40 POUNDS BABY!

I'm motivated!

Lets talk Love, shall we?

My favorite subject... Love.

I don't talk about it much. I mean, I joke about marrying Max Adler or something. But, real love is different for me.

I find love very interesting. I find it insane that the heart can feel such extremes. I mean, from being infatuated with someone to the point where they become your everything. To the feeling like your heart literally broke into millions of pieces. It either makes your life, or breaks your life.

I mean...right now...

I'm head over heels for someone. I have been for awhile.. I think about them everyday, and it's frustrating... But he makes me happy. I just need to play it by ear, see where life takes me. I just need to ride the wave.

Recently I've also been incredibly frustrated with my weight. I feel like little freshman Alexa again sometimes... I hated her.

People say I'm pretty. People say I shouldn't care what others think. Some blame media. I have no one to blame but myself. I just want to be pretty... in my eyes...

He makes me feel pretty...

-Alexa Starky

40 pounds in 4 months. Can I do it??

I'm Baaaack.

Well, that was interesting. I took almost a month away from writing.
There were a lot of tears. A lot of shop therapy. A lot of laughs. A lot of feelings.

I guess you can say I tore myself down to build myself up.

I did a lot of talking with my incredible mom about my life, feelings, desperation, and she helped me a lot.
One day I had just had enough of life and the way I felt, I almost just walked out of the house. I was at the door, and my mom just look at me and tried to stop me. It took a bit to get me away from the door and to stop crying.. It was definitely a rough month..

School was very stressful. A lot of working. And just not feeling good about myself.
But I'm focused and am trying to get back on the band wagon.

Because, I'm really tired of looking at myself and seeing something I don't want to see..

Also, I hate talking about this stuff, but, I did break up with my boyfriend.. I just needed to focus on me and I wasn't in it the way he deserved me to be.

I'm back in this, I'm going to keep going, try to lose 30 more pounds.

I'm happy to be writing again. I definitely miss it and it's a big part of my lifestyle now.

Thank you for always being here for me this past year and a half. It's one insane journey.
I love you all so much!

-Alexa Starky

This Isn't My Prettiest Blog...

I'm fed up.
I write a blog about my life and my hardships of being an overweight teen girl. I've been doing this for over a year. I'm not afraid to say anything anymore.

It's so hard! Being typecasted because I'm fat. Being the fat girl in choir. Being looked at by strangers not knowing whether its my cool earings or my weight. Even thinking that bulimia is an answer. For not wanting to eat. It's disgusting and I've honestly had enough of everything!

I mean, I'm the last person to want to disappoint my family and friends. I try SO hard to keep up with this blog. I try so hard to change. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, sneak out, yell, nothing! I go to school, I go to work, I hang with my family, and do it all over.
But lately... I've been wanting to rebel. I haven't been caring anymore...

I learn, work, and sleep. Everyday. And I've been frustrated. Because I have a day off.. I want to go out to see my boyfriend I haven't seen in a week. It's around 11 at night. He made brownies with his mom and I just want to hang out over there. And I can't because my family doesn't trust me going out "this late.." Like, give me a break! I'm going to go eat a brownie and play cards! I'm not going out to get drunk and sleep around and pretend I'm some awesome kid. No, I'm an overweight teen girl who just wants to get out on her night off. And, I'm 19 years old.

It's natural to want what you can't have. Tell me no, I will only want it more. It's the way it is. And I'm fed up with the lack of trust.

I want to get out of the house and live my life. All my friends are doing it in college, and I'm trapped at home at 11 at night?! I'm fed up!
I know this blog is kind of a rant, and I'm sorry. But, I needed to say something.
I've been through too much and I have been afraid my whole life to speak up!

So I'm just venting to a place that won't talk back at me or judge me... Sadly that is a blog.. but it's better than nothing...

I might be having a mental breakdown... And I might have to take a break from the blog and from the mission for awhile.. or I might go insane... :'(

-Alexa Starky.

The One Thing I Don't Want To Get Smaller..

As I lose weight, I'm noticing only one thing really getting noticeably smaller....
My chest...
(Hi close friends and family. Sorry I'm awkward and honest! :P )

But really. Like, come on. The stomach, hello! The thighs. Like, give me a break. That's the stuff that needs to go. Not the boobs.

Frustrating.

Aaaaanyway.

I miss writing! I miss you guys! I miss the freakin' gym! School and work are killing me! No more time. So instead I work out awkwardly in my room every night, which is good. And I'm eating better, also good. I've been spending money like crazy! I don't even know where it's going, but yay! Pay day tomorrow. :) Ohh, what a life..

Decided after I lose 30 more pounds I'm getting myself a special gift that will last a life time :) Exciting!

I had a day off and to myself for once and happily spent it with my lovely mom and sister. It was great to finally have a night to myself. I certainly miss it. But I do love being busy. Just gotta keep focused on the weight. I'm working on it and it's definitely a life change and a process.

I love you all so much!

Aaaand, that's my update!
Love love love!

-Alexa Starky

I will be making a vlog soon!

Negativity...

If I need to keep hearing the stupid stuff I'm going to explode.

I don't want to get into detail but I feel like everything is so negative! God forbid I say things like "I'm hungry." Because then all I hear is "Well it's late so don't eat a lot." Like, give me a break! I didn't have dinner.

It's those tiny, little things that just drive me over the edge.

I've been incredibly stressed out..

With working 5 days a week, school 5 days a week, attempting other things in my life, I'm over my limit. It's very stressful. I'm going to try to start going to the gym on my days off of work but it's getting almost impossible.

I'm so frustrated.. I feel like I made this commitment to lose weight and life is getting in the way...

I'm happy in my theater class, and when I'm at work, but all the little details involved are eating me away. And I'm not sure how much more I can take... And I'm worried.

I keep on thinking it will get easier, but, it's been over 6 weeks and it's only gotten worse...

Any advice?

-Alexa Starky

Funny how this all works out...

Some people must have a radar.
Like, when something is finally going right in your life, when things are going really well, they know of it and then just dive right in and make it all complex or strange again. People are good at this, and their timing is superb.

I'm doing alright.. I've been so busy with working and with school. Homework is piling and sleep is becoming less and less frequent.
I have not been to the gym in too long. Going to start going on my days off and in the mornings. It's getting ridiculous. And 17 people liked my page and I need to lose 1 pound for each like!
P.S. like my page on facebook. Just look up my mission to change. Should be there.

My birthday was amazing. Thank you for all the love. Kinda crazy to see where I was and what I've become in only 1 year.

I'm officially changing my major. It's clear that I'm a writer, seems that it's all I do anymore. And I thought of a good idea for a fiction book today. Kinda based on my life. We will see.

Life is coming together. I just need to lose this weight. I'm sick and tired of it and I want jaws to drop even further.

The support is incredible, as always.

Keep supporting. Keep motivating. Keep inspiring.

-Alexa Starky

Size what?!

I was at work yesterday and I fell in love with these adorable jeans.
They seemed ok, then I noticed they were a size 12...
I knew they weren't going to fit seems that I haven't gotten into a 12 since middle school.

I liked them so much though.. So I went into our fitting rooms to try them on.

I don't know how it happened. It might be the jeans themselves.
But. I fit in them and they are ridiculously adorable. They zipped up and I just stood there with my jaw on the floor.

Not only were they 50% off, but they fit me! A 12! Seems that it used to be 18 and 20's that were my only option, this is incredible.

I love these jeans :)

-Alexa Starky

College Students can be RUDE.

Like, get over yourselves! You're in college. Just because you have massive muscles and all your buddies in your class, doesn't mean you're the shit.

Just because mom and dad give you all your money and you have huge hair doesn't mean you're the hottest thing in the room. And it certainly doesn't give you a right to keep mocking the smart kid in the class.

I keep my mouth shut in that class because I want nothing to do with them. All they talk about is football, their muscles, and their exes or current girl/boyfriends. Like, come on. I literally get in there, get a grade, and get out. I keep my mouth closed and try to get as little attention on me as possible. It reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. The insecure, quiet me comes out in that class. Sure it's annoying and I want to say something, but I get too mad and I don't want to be judged so I shut up. Besides, all my other classes seem ok and I can be myself in those. But man, that class.... It's very frustrating to me.

I have, however, made friends in my other classes. I love love love! my drama class with all my heart. They are the coolest people ever! And I'm happy to say I've made some good friends in there. And I'm glad I can be myself. And in my Reading class that's also sadly required, I've made my fair share of friends/people to talk to. It's clear that none of us wanna be in there... so we just make it fun for what it is which is special.

And my English 101 class. AKA, the best class ever! I get to bring out my writer brain every Tuesday and Thursday! And the class knows my story about bullying and my change and what not so I can totally be myself. I love that class and everyone is legit. I've made some really good friends. There is the Liz Lee type girl who is the most legit, most real girl out there. We are always talking about her escapes through high school and she is just a cool person. And of course the unbelievably awesome, very fabulous, very gay guy. He is the sweetest person who befriended everyone, and isn't afraid to speak up and be himself. It's admirable and I'm happy I got to meet him. There is a girl from my high school as well who is the funniest thing and has the greatest laugh. And the motorcycle rider guy with a kid at home who isn't afraid to say what he thinks, and he makes it funny. Totally awesome. And the kind, sweet, gorgeous guy who works at the best place ever! He's fun to talk to and I'm happy I got to talking to him. Basically, it's the most different people in the world, all combined into one class with one incredible and hip teacher. I get very happy at 3 o'clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I'm currently sitting in my library, alone like I do everyday. Waiting for my theater class to begin at 1:30.. Everyone has their 1 or 2 friends talking and networking. Or some are alone, like me, at their oversized table with their macbook pro, minding their own business. Not to mention, there is an incredibly gorgeous one at approx. 2 o clock. I don't know.. I hate being alone at this school but at the same time, it's kind of nice. I run into friends now and then but, most of the time, I'm alone. I'm sure it won't stay this way forver, but it's been about 6 weeks now and so far, all is the same. Just more social in classes. I suppose I can't complain. I always have my readers :)

I'm watching what I eat and I'm exercising (well, trying) everyday. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and see what the damage, I mean results, are :)

-Alexa Starky

Vlog #2. Stop fat jokes!!

New video blog! Talking about school, work, life, my challenge I did on facebook, and fat jokes. I see them everywhere! STOP BULLYING! STOP WITH JOKES. You have no idea whose reading this. You don't know what someones story is. Stop with the bullying! It's out of hand! Change a life. Don't ruin one!

Enjoy the vlog. I will be writing soon. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mA_5vN78vs

111st Post!

Alright. So I have some fun news for my lovely readers about today. It was certainly a good one.

Tonight I went to the store I work at, A Second Look to buy some work clothes that I so desperately needed. I went into my size and went to try some stuff on with my mom. The 1st pair I tried on were WAY too big.. I thought it was weird and that the sizes must run bigger in that brand. Then, the 2nd pair was too big. Like those weight loss commercials where the fake actors are wearing pants that are too large for them big. I was so confused! My mom was like "You need to go a size down!" I HAVEN'T HEARD THOSE WORDS IN FOREVER! I was so thrilled and so happy and I got some really cute clothes and it's incredible to feel that good about what you're wearing.

That was definitely motivating.

Earlier today I had my English 101 class. It was my day to read my rough draft out loud and get feedback from my classmates and teacher. Mine was about being bullied for the first time ever about 10 years ago. It was a really touchy subject to read out loud.. I was really nervous that it wouldn't get good reviews. After I finished reading my essay everyone was SO in love with it, I was so happy. Everyone was asking me questions and could understand me and wanted to be my friend. It was just incredible. They all had to give me back the notes they wrote for me and they all said how inspiring and beautiful I am and how they loved the story and I am still full of happiness and butterflies. It was the best feeling in the world to hear that from people I haven't known very long.

So in the end, my job is a work out and is helping me lose weight, I'm feeling good about myself, I'm keeping busy, I'm making money, I'm doing well in school, and I'm still managing to keep my blog up and inspire people that change is good! I still can't believe the before and after pictures and who I once was and who I've become. I'm very happy.

Oh! And I'm in love. Yep. I've fallen in love. I am so in love with my readers and supporters. I can't believe I've had you guys reading and watching my life change for over a year now. I'm gaining more and more followers on here and on facebook and I honestly don't think I could have gotten anywhere without my followers and supporters. I love you all with all my heart, more than any boy could ever replace.

-Alexa Starky

It's Been Too Long.

College and my new job have me completely tied up lately. I ADORE my new job to pieces! I work with the most incredible people and I love it so much! Come visit me and A Second Look on shea and 32nd st and shop! Yay advertising.

But, they have me working a lot and if I'm not working I'm at school, if I'm not at school I'm doing homework alone in a library.

But, I can't seem to sleep tonight so I will post some updates.

School: I'm making friends slowly but surely. It was nice walking into an environment where I knew no one. I love my theater class so much! They are the coolest people and my teacher is fantastic. But the class that stole my heart is my English 101 class. My teacher is amazing, I get to write every single day or at least talk about writing, and it's truly perfection. We had to write a rough draft to our own descriptive narrative for our first essay. Mine was just a rough draft and when we turned it in, I got incredible feedback from my teacher. She even announced it to the class. That finalized it. I'm changing my major to a literature or English major for the next semester. I needed just that, and I know it's my true passion and I want to write forever.

I definitely have this blog and you guys to thank for that. Who knew trying to change my body and myself could lead to a change in my passions as well. I couldn't be happier with that.

Work: I got my job about 4 weeks ago and I just love it. They have me working a lot but, that just means more money, more time to walk around and burn some calories seems that I don't have a ton of gym time anymore, and I just get to focus on something. I'm very content there.

Love: I'm still caught up on the last issue that went down.. Any down time I have, or whenever something great happens, he's the first one I want to text or he's the first one I think about and it's incredibly frustrating.. I know he's over it and I know I should be.. but for some reason I can't let go of this one. I can't explain why. I think I'm over it and I don't think about it, until I'm sitting alone with nothing to think about and start to believe he will walk through the door any second and take me back... It's incredibly frustrating and I've never felt like this before. I keep thinking it will pass, I mean, it's only been about 3 weeks. I hope it's all over soon, but I miss him so much...

Weight Loss: I have remained the exact same weight the past few weeks, which is frustrating me. I know I don't have a ton of time for the gym lately but I'm still going and trying to keep low on food intake and trying to keep healthy. NO FRESHMAN 15 ALLOWED! It will not happen! I've been feeling better in my clothes lately but of course, being the pessimist that I am, I know it can always be better. I will keep going with my change and see where I can get this semester. I just need that push and motivation that I miss dearly from high school.

I'm 19 in less than a month, and I'm counting the days.. I can't believe how far I've gotten and who I've become. I was never the girl to walk up to strangers and start a conversation. I could never leave all my friends behind and go to a new school for a new start. I can't believe my progress and I try to be grateful everyday for who I am and what I've become. I think everyone needs to do that. Stop and think about who you used to be, who you are now, and who you can become. It's incredible what life can throw at you and what opportunities you may have. And I'm so happy and so grateful to have started this blog a year and 3 months ago. I love who I'm becoming, and it's up to me to keep going up, or plummet downward. I think I know which road I will choose.

The motivation and the support is EVERYTHING to me. Getting messages that my words and my blog inspire people is more than anything I could have ever dreamed. Being told I'm a hero? I changed a life? Not many people can say they have done that! And you all, my readers, my followers, my best friends, you have no idea what you guys mean to me. I try to tell you all as much as I can, in my blogs, over facebook, I try my best but there are no words to tell you what my heart feels for you guys. My whole life changed and the weight loss, this blog, and you have saved my life. I love you all, so much!

I will be writing whenever I can, but your words through comments, messages on facebook, on my wall, or on mymissiontochange like page, I love them and they inspire me to keep going. And if you ever need someone, I'm here.

Love you all more than anything!

-Alexa Starky

College and Hell.

College: I am liking college. It's cool how everyone is so chill and on their own path. Every class is really relaxing. I mean there will be a lot of work clearly, but it's nice. The first few days have been good. And my Acting 1 class is amazing! The people are just so kind and care free and hilarious and they find art in the craziest stuff. So, I can't complain about college. After college however....

Hell: I'm in hell. It's slowly getting cooler in hell. But yes, hell. How many times can I say it, I don't know. But I am. My world was slowly getting to the point of my perfect world. I was in la la land and I was falling in love. Texting all the time, snuggling, I was so happy. Then it slowly got awkward and strange and we stopped talking like we did. It lasted just a few days. So, I got sick of it and asked if everything was ok with us. I didn't get the answer I had hoped for and told him how I felt about it. He fell out of love right then and there..

I learned you can't hate someone because of how they feel because feeling is never wrong. Apparently, in my perfect world, that statement didn't matter. I took a lot of tears, a lot of friends, a lot of screaming, and a lot of french fries, even some throwing up to get the sick knots out of my stomach. But slowly, I'm healing.

It was painful. And I'm sad. And embarrassed and wish I could erase everything and make it Monday evening at 4 30 again.. I want it all back so badly.. If he reads this, I miss him...

On a brighter side, I lost 4 more pounds. Don't know if it was from the lack of eating, the random throwing up, or the heat and walking around campus, but it happened.

I'm slowly getting there.. But who knows whats in it for me next. I'm just going to go do some homework, because I already have too much..

Learningasigo....in every way.

-Alexa Starky

Life Isn't Fair..

The fact is.

The past effects the future.

Love is a brutal game.

I'm fat and ugly.

Protect your heart and shut your mouth...

Supposed to be an amazing day. Turned out to be the worst. All time low...

My Last Week.

This is my last and final week as a non-college student. Monday, it all changes. I'm happy I did community college for the year for a number of reasons.

1. CHEAPER!!

2. I felt like a dear in headlights all year on what I wanted to do.

3. Leaving my family seemed impossible at the time.

4. If I was constantly worrying about college and money and that part of life, I couldn't have been so motivated to change the way I have.

I know the old Alexa. I would have figured the more important thing would have been the future and not now. I would have still been crying in a doctors office seeing no results and wondering what to do.

And now I finally know what I'm doing next year. After all the thoughts of moving away, taking internships, going into every field there is, I have chosen.

Next year I will be attending Arizona State and major in theater production. Then once I get that major I hope to get my masters in theater writing. I can't believe how lucky I am that that is a major!

And it truly is thanks to this blog that I have figured it out. Thanks to this blog and thanks to my incredible family and the love from my friends I figured out that I love writing. I still love theater but I think my real passion is writing. So, I'm excited to see where all of this takes me!

I can't believe how happy I've been lately. I mean, I see a therapist. I have been for years. I mean I don't know how I could have been without her through all of this. But, the last few appointments I've had were all so happy! I had so much to tell her and talk about and everyday was so happy and all she could say was "I'm so happy for you. It's all finally coming together." And I couldn't agree more.

It's sad that a lot of my friends are going away. I mean, some are going 20 minutes away, some 2 hours, and some plane rides away. It's hard watching them all leave one by one. But I know I will always have them and I have some incredible people here with me. And I know I will meet so many more in college.

We are so grown up. But there is still so much to learn.

A new chapter in my blog begins Monday! My Mission To Change. Chapter 3. College.

-Alexa Starky

It's Gotta Change.

I need some major waking up here. I need to get back on my A game. I need to get pumped and become aware like I was. The last few weeks I've been slacking.

Not many blogs. Not much working out. Too much eating. Too much money spending.

I'm getting back on track because my jeans either need to keep fitting, or get too big. Those are the only 2 options.

Motivate me! Push me to the gym, lord knows I need it!

In other news: I've been really very happy. I've figured out a lot of college plans for the next few years. I'm happy with where I am and what I'm doing. And, there might be another half happening in my life? :) Things are just more positive lately. Things are definitely raising for me. Now, lets get the scale numbers decreasing!

-Alexa Starky

P.S. If you are curious about anything or want to ask me a question, comment it or message me somehow and I will answer it in my blogs!

Vlog #1

My very first vlog post!

Youtube, Really?

Well, I have a vlog made and ready to be uploaded to youtube to post on my blog. But youtube will NOT upload it!

SO, hopefully I will get that up soon. Stay posted on that.


An update. I'm happy. I'm very happy. Everything has been good lately. Everything but the scale. I'm going back to the gym after one too many days away from it. I'm back on track, back on schedule and will keep going and will lose more weight. I gotta do it! Gotta stay motivated and inspired.
And I really truly am very happy lately. I'm finally figuring things out and every puzzle piece is coming together. I'm loving everything and everyone in my life right now!

I will try my best to get the video up asap! Thanks everyone!

-Alexa Starky

Post 101.

This is my 101st post. My goodness how time flies. I can't believe how much I write.

I got an amazing message today from a good friend of mine basically talking all about my blog and about how I'm helping her know that she isn't the only one feeling this way. That was the perfect way to celebrate passing 100 blog posts!

I couldn't be more pleased with how things are working out! I mean granted, yesterday was very hard for me. But today, I went to sea world which was beautiful! I had such a good time!



It was cool to forget everything and watch the magic of those amazing animals. It was really a cool experience.

As great of a memory as it is, I'm really pleased with all the feedback I've been getting on my blog the past few days. It feels really rewarding and I'm really truly grateful!


I've just been feeling happy and more content. I think things are finally going to get better. I'm figuring out college next year and where I will be heading. I might have found something very special in a very incredible person. I think things are going to be getting better. I'm excited for the next few days of vacation, but I'm really excited to get home, get back to the gym, and keep going with everything. It's going well, it can only go up if I make it that way.

I will also be video blogging hopefully soon! We will see :)

Thanks so much for everything from everyone!

-Alexa Starky

Where The Pretty People Roam.

So we are here in San Diego. It's gorgeous. The food is amazing. The hotel is great. The shopping is fabulous. The ocean is lovely. The people are stunning... The people are stunning... and the people... well. They are just beautiful.

Everywhere I go here, I turn into that insecure 15 year old again. I don't feel beautiful here. I feel like I am trying too hard and that I'm not pretty. Everyone here has stunning faces, beautiful bodies, you know. California people.

I walked into Urban Outfitters today and I thought "Who am I kidding? I'm too big to be here..." I ended up buying a sweater but still. Who wants that negative feeling whenever they walk into a store? I've felt that everywhere. Even on the beach or walking around the town. I feel ugly.

It's very frustrating knowing that you are trying so hard to look better for yourself and you work so hard to get there and then you come to a place like this where you are looked at funny. I'm the 'fat' girl again and I am really afraid of her. That scared little girl is still inside me and she definitely comes out here in San Diego.
Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the ocean and being on vacation and just being with my mom and sister. But, there is always that feeling like this would be more fun if I was thin and beautiful

It's sad that being thin means your beautiful...

It's a great time but I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm proud of myself for where I've gotten since day 1. But, I'm not happy knowing maybe it could have been even better. I see the glass and half full and half empty. And it's driving me crazy..

I will keep updating and will hopefully find some more happiness here. In the end, the place is beautiful, and the vacation is nice.

Any words of wisdom from my readers?
I love you all.

-Alexa Starky

Vlog?

So, I posted this on facebook awhile ago, after I got my good blood results back and I've been thinking, maybe I will start up on vlogs. Video blogs. Just to post on here and keep everyone updated on an even more personal level. I will keep writing and such just, every now and then check in?

It's an idea.

Tell me what you think. I love the support. I love all of you! I love changing my life! It's such a good thing! Go figure!

-Alexa Starky

This Week - Oops.

So, when you are house sitting and have no limits and nothing to do... You eat. A lot. And it happens to be not so healthy food.
I can't even imagine the amount of food I ate this week house sitting alone. Luckily there was a treadmill in the house but, that wasn't used as much as I'd like to write down...

And the gym was far and you know, all the bad excuses in the book should be in this post.

So, I'm afraid I've gained a million pounds this week and it happens to be the night before I leave for San Diego! Oh well! Ha :)

But it really is great seeing old friends or people I haven't seen in awhile and hearing about how good I look. I mean, who doesn't love to hear that?


I guess the bad news, however, is that I haven't been feeling beautiful in my own body lately. A lot is going on and it's overwhelming. And looking in the mirror and feeling like that insecure 15 year old again, it doesn't just fade away and I definitely have my weeks where I feel like nothing good has happened. It's hard to break those old habits. But I'm trying my absolute best and I'm working to succeed in the end. The bumps in the road just make you shaky, they don't stop you from moving forward. :)

I have some incredible people in my life who are supporting me and giving me incredibly advice and letting me know that nothing has changed too much. I'm so grateful for everyone who reads these and helps me out and lets me know that hope is still out there.

I will be posting from San Diego.

Let the good choices, salad eating, working out, shopping, and enjoying my time, BEGIN! :)

I love you all!
-Alexa Starky

My Realization

A year and a half I've been writing this blog. I have about 200 posts..
I have notebooks full of stories.
When I'm at the gym, I analyze my thoughts and think about how I could create a movie about them. I take scenarios and put them on paper and create new worlds based off my feelings. I think about book ideas every time I'm on an elliptical machine.
I have an online journal basically telling everyone about my world and my struggles. Putting it all out there in writing for the world to see.

I love to write. I love to inspire.
And it took an hour of lying down on a sofa talking to my therapist to realize, I'm a writer. I'm a story teller. She was practically applauding me for figuring it out. I was laughing about all my stories and notebooks full of writings and she said 'STOP LAUGHING!' You don't take yourself seriously when you laugh about something. This is a passion you have and you aren't thinking seriously about it. And she was right. When I stopped laughing and starting thinking about everything I've written and how much I've done, even in elementary school.. I love to write..

Writing down everything and making up stories has been an outlet. It saved my life. I've lost weight because I'm writing it all out.

I guess after this big rant and all the analyzing I've done, I realized, I want to write. So, after this semester I might major in journalism or english.. I can only imagine being an author or script writer..

I'm figuring it out! It's crazy!!

Life Update: I GOT MY TEST RESULTS BACK FROM THE ULTRA SOUND! No problems with my organs! They are all ok! So that's great and I don't have to get another blood test until January! YAY! I'm currently house sitting with these 2 incredible golden retrievers. It's like a total zen where I can relax and think and not be disturbed. I am loving it. SAN DIEGO IN 6 DAYS!

-Alexa Starky

Ready For A Vacation

Everyone needs a little 'me' time. It really does do wonders to the mind if you take some time to not think about reality for awhile.

With that being said, I'm taking a few days later this week to dog/house sit in a lovely home for a friend of my moms. She has 2 amazing golden retrievers who I've watched before and I'm so excited to just take the time to relax and be alone. I will have time to write and time to zen myself and really think about my thoughts. Not to mention time to see my therapist and go to the gym when I can. It will be good for me.

Then, literally a day after that, I will be heading to San Diego with my mom and sister. We will be having fun in sea world and at the beach for a few days so it will be really nice to get out of town with them and just enjoy a few days. We haven't done that in awhile.

So I'm really looking forward to it.
:)


I'm trying my best to stay on this summer.

I'm not gonna lie, it's hard not having that support at school anymore. I miss all my friends from school. I miss seeing my crush everyday and wanted to keep getting better to see if maybe he notices me. Ya know, stupid teenager things that I miss so much. But I'm trying to keep myself motivated and going. I'm trying to keep myself up, but it's taking a lot of thought and a lot of therapy. But it's been good.

I got an ultra sound a few days ago on my whole abdomen to see if any organs were in-larged.. I'm worried because they haven't gotten back to me.. But I will keep you updated and see where that goes.. only time will tell.

-Alexa Starky

The Best Feeling In The World.

The best feeling in the whole wide world is when it's just an average Monday. You're sitting here doing nothing. Then suddenly on facebook you get get a chat pop up from someone you don't talk to much. They tell you how amazing you are and how you're an inspiration and are beautiful.

That's the gorgeous thing about life.

People doing simple things like that. They don't have to do anything or say anything, but they do and it puts the biggest smile on my face.

I guess that's why I strive to be the best me I can be. I do this, not only for myself, but to show others that bullying and hurting and feeling alone is NOT the way to live. I figured this is how it would be forever. People used to dislike me because I hid from life, and they took that as being rude and like I didn't like anyone.
Ever since I put it all out there with this blog, a whole new me is out there. People have learned that you can mold your life the way you want it to be.

I know I've said it before, but it's so crazy looking at my blogs from a year ago and seeing who I was then and what I've become.. It's like magic to me. And I'm so grateful! Everyone who tells me they read my blog, everyone who's helped me along the way, everyone who now understands who I am. I would not have been able to write and let it all out there without all the help and support.



I guess the main purpose for this entry is to tell people, thank you. People tell me I'm inspiring them, but truly, you're inspiring me. And we need to learn to inspire each other more often, I think the world would be a better place.

-Alexa Starky

It's been awhile. And it's been hard.

I have been slacking, I know. I haven't been writing.
So here we go. I have good news, and bad news.

Good:

I got some blood results back about 2 weeks ago. Since last year exactly, I've dropped a MASSIVE amount of points in cholesterol, blood sugar, and all that fun stuff and have no signs of diabetes. All the exercise is working out for me and it's making me stronger and more healthy and that was really good to hear. I am also at the gym all the time, especially after that. It was a good motivation to keep going.

Bad:

I have been going through some bad times lately inside. I have been feeling like a failure a lot this week. I just feel like my life could be going a different path. I accomplished so much in high school and in the past and I feel like things should have been better for me by now.. I called up my therapist and talked to my main supported, my mother, and I'm slowly understanding that this is all just a stepping stone to a successful life and sometimes things aren't what they could be and you just need to work to get them there. I just haven't been having that confidence in myself.

Now one more piece of good news before I go! My sister and I sang the national anthem at the University of Phoenix Stadium, home of the cardinals for a huge soccer game this weekend! We filmed our experience, which was incredible, so please check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56azq3PMdek

Thank you so much for keeping up with my blog and with my change and I am really grateful for everyone helping me along the way. I can't thank you enough.

-Alexa Starky

I Just Want To Be Skinny... :/

Slowly and painfully getting there. I'm at the gym every single day. Everyday! No breaks. And I just haven't been getting the results I want. And I've been with this blog for 13 months now, so it's been a long time and I just don't feel fully satisfied. At the gym there are these RIDICULOUSLY gorgeous guys and I just think, they would never go for someone like me. Because I'm not thin and beautiful and a model. I'm not the type most would 'lust' over and it's really frustrating.

And also, because I have had some success, I've become the therapist for others. I ADORE helping and I love it, but I don't feel like I'm on the right path anymore. And recently I've been looking at myself wondering if I will ever change. Morph into something new, and beautiful in a different way...
I'm also lonely... I want that perfect guy, that perfect summer romance, that perfect moment.

I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. -Easy A

I want something. I want that feeling again that things are just perfectly perfect. Because I don't feel perfect...


I just work so hard everyday and hope, but never seem to succeed.
Might try a strict diet if this keeps up. I need something to change because I really don't want to start spiraling downward...

Help from my supporters?..


-Alexa Starky

It's a Sister Series Summer! SO SUBSCRIBE!

PLEASE! WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH OUR VIDEO BLOGS THIS SUMMER AND WE LOVE COMMENTS, VIEWS, AND SUBSCRIPTIONS.

http://www.youtube.com/sisterseries1

Enjoy and tell me what you think! Thank you thank you thank you for the support!

-Alexa Starky :)

Dear Bronchitis,

Dear Bronchitis,

I hate you. You keep me awake at night. I've gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep this whole week. You keep me up until 4 in the morning coughing out a lung. You keep me by the toilet throwing up due to all the coughing. I haven't been to the gym all week because of you. I've been stuck in my house doing nothing because of you. I hear horror stories that you will be here longer than I would like. You have me taking sleep medicines that make me feel as high as a kite. I. HATE. YOU.

And to top it off, there was this REALLY cute guy at the doctor when I left her office. He was in the waiting room and I was heading to the door. He was smiling at me and staring and I would look like an idiot sticking around the office once I was done so I had no choice but to leave! Grrr. Basically, nothing good as come out of having bronchitis. I haven't even lost weight because you still want to eat. It doesn't make you not hungry.

I'm not a happy camper needless to say...
Hopefully it will go away soon..

-Alexa Starky

Subscribe to me and my sisters youtube channel!

Check out our latest youtube video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1801OJ4rUNw&feature=relmfu

And subscribe to our channel!

http://www.youtube.com/user/sisterseries1

Then tell your friends and family about it so they can subscribe! :)

We love making these videos and we hope you enjoy them!

Tony Awards. Enough Said.

Oh my gosh! So who else watched the Tony Awards tonight?! Everything that was happening on the screen I was freaking out! I was like YAY this! Or YAY that! Or YES! They won! It was like a whirlwind of theater excitement! I know, I know, theater nerd x 10000. But it was so incredible and SO inspiring. Like it is every year.

And of course, it got me thinking. That could be me. That could be anyone. But it seems so unbelievable and impossible, that I don't try. I mean, come on! It's my life, theater! There is a whole other world out there that I haven't witnessed yet!
After I was done singing Don't Rain On My Parade about 50 times in my room after the Tony's, I realized that I need to keep trying. I'm excited for what the future has to offer me! So, I'm going to keep singing, keep acting, be active in it in college, and keep going to the gym!

I may have changed a lot since last year, But I haven't changed enough! And it's happening for me. Slowly but surly. It's incredible to know that I have a whole life ahead of me. I like the beginning of my chapter 2 in life. It's getting better.



Also, I loved my 1 year anniversary with my blog. I took the time to read from the beginning to now and it's CRAZY how much I've changed. Only 1 year ago, and I feel like a whole new Alexa. But like I said, it isn't over for me. High school was just the pre-test. Now it's on to a whole new class.

-Alexa Starky

Summer isn't helping.

I sleep all morning. I go to the gym every day. I don't feel myself losing any weight and it proves it on the scale every week. I'm losing like a pound here and there. But nothing is happening.
It's very frustrating especially when you are at the gym every single day of the week. I will need to keep up on the eating healthier and such. Also making it a goal to FIND A JOB. I'm desperate. So if anyone knows of a place that's hiring, please let me know.

It's all been slowly sloping downward and I hope to stop that here soon.
We will see..

-Alexa Starky

I will tell my story one day.

My sister and I made this hilarious youtube video! And I will admit, it isn't the best angle. But, man. I thought getting 120 some views in 2 days was pretty awesome. But the comments left were less then kind. They were horrible...

Currently, I'm sitting in my room, crying. I have been for about 30 minutes now. I'm crying because, I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm crying because I work SO damn hard to create a better me, and people just keep talking. Running their mouths like they actually have reason. STRANGERS! PEERS! PEOPLE! People just suck.

I can't help but think, one day.....

One day I will be sitting on a couch or chair. With Ellen or some interviewer. With MILLIONS of fans watching me. With me telling my story. Crying my eyes out because this pain will never go away. Talking about how these HORRIBLE, EVIL, DISGUSTING people, who tore me up so many times.. made me SO strong. And how I became this way because of those people who shot me down so many times. All the times I was laughed at, called names, made fun of, stared at. All the painful moments that stick inside you like a drug. It all created someone who wants to make a difference. Help others. And heal people who have been beaten just like me.

I want to inspire. And tonight.. tonight just made it that much clearer on what I need to do. It's going to take a lot. And it's going to be hard to keep getting up after people metaphorically trip me a million times. But I'm going to get there.

Bullies, just watch me. Just watch.

-Alexa Starky

Is Real Life Just A Game?

As I sit here in a Coffee Bean with my parfait and iced coffee with my best friend, I think, Life is a little mind game.
My goal is, of course, the weight loss. But another goal is to figure myself out. Where I see myself in the many years to come. To defeat the evil junk food monsters and stress demons inside your mind game. And you need to gain points to encourage yourself and motivate you to defeat them. It's a whole lot harder to come across the monsters and demons than it is to find some encouragement. But when you do defeat them or find those points, you reach another level. A new high in the mind.
Not to mention the other things that get in the way of your goals. Like, oh I don't know, boys! They just pop up on your trail and leap into your mind and your heart. I mean come on, it's like cheating in your game. It tends to take you off your path and it can be very frustrating.

I'm just going through a lot. A ton of stuff to think about. The expenses of life. The responsibility of having a car of your own. Having to learn a whole new world of college and growing up. My 1 year with My Mission To Change is in 2 days. I will have to celebrate! My accomplishments and how far I've gotten, and how many readers I have. It will all be celebrated with a lovely blog and a special day for me.

Until then, I will be defeating the monsters in my mind some more and head to the gym.

-Alexa Starky

Reality is Scary

I don't think I was prepared to take on the whole world yet.
The day I graduated, got a car, and went out into the real world, it all hit me like a ton of bricks with no warning. I had no idea what I was getting into.

My best friends are leaving.
I'm on my own with school.
I have to decide the rest of my life.
Gas and maintaining a car is expensive.
I need a job ASAP.
I need to pick classes.
I need to learn how to live...

It's all really scary, especially for someone who has only had losing weight on her mind for almost a year now. There is a lot to think of and a lot to decide and it's getting overwhelming.
I just hope it all gets easier. But it will take a lot of hard work and dedication. Not to mention TONS of therapy and trips to the gym. Which I'm going to 6 days a week now! Yay for that!

Hm, but another thought that's been on my mind. I need a summer romance.. I need that special feeling again. I miss it a lot. I love that I'm loving myself finally, but, can't someone else as well?.. I don't know, I guess that's what happens when I let myself out there through a blog. You want to let yourself out there in every other place, especially your heart. It's difficult and I wish I didn't feel this way. But, I am definitely that girl who listens to her heart, not her head.
Which can be really great, or not so much.

Lets just hope all the puzzle pieces of summer comes together soon.

-Alexa Starky

Final thoughts before I start a new chapter in my mission.

Today is the day. I went through 4 years to get here. I have my cap and gown. I have the hair made. I have when and where memorized. It's finally here. I'm graduating tonight. And my god, what a year it's been. I was looking back at my old posts in my mission to change. And I have truly changed. With that being said, I wanted to put a few of my thoughts down for my readers.

1. I'm SO much stronger then I was at the beginning of the year. I was sad all the time and didn't believe I had any self worth. I was the fat girl in my advanced choir. I was the odd one out. I was type casted. I am NOW so much stronger and so much wiser. I've talked to people I wouldn't normally talk to. This blog helped me put myself out there and be heard. No one knew who I was underneath, and now they do and now I am not afraid to share.

2. I have become a better person. I've inspired people! That is something I never would have thought I could do. I have people calling me their hero because not many people can write down everything they think and feel for the whole world to read. The most stunning and popular girls at school tell me I'm beautiful and that they look up to me! Just knowing that I'm making a difference, not only to myself, but to others is the most amazing feeling.

3. I'm no longer afraid of the future. I was scared out of my mind thinking I had to move on from that comfortable spot of being in the background the whole time. Now, I crave spotlight and attention and expressing myself. I'm not afraid of what the world and college have to offer me anymore.

4. I'm more confident in myself. I always saw the stunning thin popular girls walking through the halls everyday and I wanted to be one SO badly. I wanted to be seen as beautiful to other people. I couldn't believe that anyone found me remotely attractive. Now, I do feel beautiful. I feel different in clothes. I feel different when people look at me. I'M GETTING HIT ON IN TARGET!! I never thought this would be me! I used to be afraid to go to the gym because people would have to look at my fat ugly body, now I don't give a crap because going helped me lose 50 pounds!

5. And lastly. My final thought is I don't know what I will do next year without high school. I'm in LOVE with high school and it's breaking up with me. My best friends. My hobbies. All my laughter and smiles come from school. And tonight, it hands be a letter saying you've moved on. I will never see most of these people again. They will never see me again. We will move on to bigger things. I will never see him again..
I will miss it so much.

High school and the people in it changed me. There is one thing I love more then high school. I'm a new Alexa and I'm madly in love with her. I've never once been happy about who I am. Now, I look in the mirror and I finally don't want to look away. I'm finally happy.
And I have high school, friends, family, the gym, and so much more to thank!
I've finally gotten there.

HOWEVER! It doesn't stop here. My mission is still going and I'm going to lose more weight this summer and a whole new chapter of my life, and of my mission to change is beginning.
BRING IT ON WORLD! I'm a new Alexa Loren Starky.

-Alexa Starky.

End of chapter 1 of my new life. End of chapter one of my mission to change.

Crap... Withdrawal.

I blame the little corner of my mind that believes I'm bipolar.
But, all the good that's happened has made me such a great person and a happier person.

But there will always be that one day right?
That one day where you beat yourself up thinking things could have been even more different. That one day where you see the glass as half empty.

The day where you think you could have had the guy if you were smaller. You could have gone to prom. You could have fit in that dress. You could have been even happier in high school.
Everyone goes through it, don't tell me it will pass. I know it will.

But days like this suck. I really like someone, and they will never know.. because deep down, I'm still scared and insecure. And I'm still too big in some peoples eyes.
I think I'm pretty. Strong. Confident. I'm doing a lot better.

Why can't some others see that sometimes?..

Just having a day.. Needed to write it down.

Hopefully I will feel better come Thursday, when I graduate, and I can heal the wound some have left. It's healing slowly... Just need a bigger band aid.
Motivation and love please?

-Alexa Starky

still learning as I go..

This Is It.

The waking up at 6 in the morning. The tests. The questions. The excitement of seeing your faces everyday. The feeling I get when I see you every morning. The laughs with friends I've had for years. My presidency. My choir. High school is over. I graduate in 4 days. I had my last concert, I had my incredibly choir banquet. And I had my very last drama banquet.
I made a speech all about my mission to change and hit me how much this blog and me writing has changed my life. All the support and love I've been getting has put me in such a great place.
Putting myself out there, writing down what I feel inside, it scared me at first. I wasn't sure about it, but I've inspired myself and others.
I've lost weight and I love my new self. I put jeans on today I haven't put on since freshman year. I put my hair up. I'm able to talk about personal issues and not be afraid. I'm going out with people and talking to people I wouldn't have before.

I'm about to graduate. This is the end. It's over.
But it is also only the beginning. A new book in my series of life.

In the end, the beginning began.

-Alexa Starky

It's OVER!!

High school is over! No more classes! Graduation on Thursday. It's here and it's real! I can't even believe it!
Today was so incredible and emotional.

I will always have my incredible memories of high school and who it made me become. The people who kept me motivated. The people who hurt me who only made me stronger. Sure I will have my regrets. Like not telling you how I feel... but I will make this the best last few days with these people.

I adored high school. I can't believe it is over.

I will miss it more then anything.
Tonight and tomorrow are my banquets, and man oh man, bring on the water works! ;)

<3 It went by so fast..

-Alexa Starky

Singing For Good at my last choir concert.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUeQgto5DF8


This was my first and last solo at Shadow Mountain High School. We were crying our eyes out and had all the seniors sitting on stage listening to us. It was and forever will be the best night of my high school life. I have been changed for good.

My Senior Drama Club Scholarship Essay Question.

This was important to me and I really wanted me readers to see how my last 4 years have changed me. I turned this essay in today. I will let you know if I receive any scholarships due to it. Enjoy.



The essay question given is what skills have I learned from being involved in theater that I will take with me in the future? Theater has taught me so much about living that I would have never gotten anywhere else. In the average academic classroom, I have learned math equations, how to write a thesis statement, and how to dissect a rat. In theater, I learned how to live. When I walked into high school I was shy and scared and didn’t have any sort of a personality what-so-ever. I was alone in a huge world with no clue what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to put out there what talent I had. I felt like I didn’t have a voice and this was only my first day of my high school experience. The very first day of high school I lost hope in myself on ever becoming something special.
Then I walked into my 3rd hour drama class with Mr. Flowers. I was scared out of my mind. I always knew I could be comfortable on stage because I was forced to be. Being given what to say and who to be was easy for me. I was comfortable being anyone but myself so I figured I would be ok in this class. Mr. Flowers, however, taught me so much more than just how to say lines. I learned to take risks and speak out and have a voice. After the first few days I could feel myself getting stronger, bolder, happier, which was all very new to me. I felt confident for the first time in a long time. With that being said, I auditioned for the fall show Out of the Frying Pan. One of my favorite memories of high school was seeing my name on that cast list. I was 1 out of 2 freshmen who made the show. I created friendships as well as a soul. I have a feeling that if I had never auditioned for that show I would not have became the person I am today.
That is where it all began. After that show, I took more and more risks like auditioning for the musical and running for council which I am proud to say I was in for 3 years in a row. Mr. Flowers kept me going and kept me motivated to give ideas and try new things and create new traditions, all things I never could do before. Theater taught me how to invent and it showed me that I am a unique human being who can do anything. English, math, and science helped me learn new things by being told, but theater taught me how to learn things by inventing on my own. It brought a skill into my life that created a new Alexa Starky.
I am proud to say that theater has helped me figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I want to stage manage and create shows and make the stage come to life in new and exciting ways like I have done in high school the past 4 glorious years. Now, the question was what skills will I take with me into my future career? I will take the ability to create and mold the small things in my mind and make all those thoughts and ideas a reality. Theater taught me how to shine and be bold and brave and I am taking every single aspect of those things with me in the future. Theater in school helped me paint pictures in my mind of what I want my life to look like and I know I have the Shadow Mountain Drama Club to thank for that.

A new before and after!

A picture is worth a thousand words. Tell me what you think! :)

Best Night Of My Life.

My choir concert was without a doubt the best night of my life. It started stressful but man oh man, it was all worth it. I felt different. I looked different. And I got my very first solo.
It was the greatest feeling in the whole wide world.

I still can't believe it is all almost over. And just how far I've come.
It's incredible.
Hopefully I will have a video soon of my song I did to put on here!
I will write more soon.

Last week of high school! It's about to get crazy!

I'm finally at that place.

I only have a week and a half left of high school.
I feel like I've finally hit that place. The place where I'm at peace with myself.
The place where I feel more comfortable. The place where I can be myself, and like it. I have never, and I mean NEVER, been at that place in my whole life.

I've always hated myself because I felt like I failed myself. I felt like I let myself go. I let myself down.
I was bullied all my life. I was looked down upon. People told me in elementary school that I shook the bus. I was bullied, I was insecure, I didn't feel safe in myself. I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt that way. And I kept it hidden all my life. I didn't tell people I was sad or hurt. I didn't tell people that I hate who I sit next to in science because they make fun of my weight. I felt alone all my life. I was type casted all my life. I felt ugly until age 18.

I finally woke up. I went to a doctor to try and get surgery because I became desperate. I was so depressed and needed a way out. She told me to keep track of what I do and to work at losing weight before going under the knife. So I wrote a blog. I wrote my first entry of my mission to change. And that day, I became a new person.
I've lost almost 50 pounds, you guys. I'm so close.

I love going to the gym. I love treating myself well. I love hearing the feedback. I know I'm doing this for all the right reasons because I hear it from you guys and I hear it in myself. I'm not afraid of me anymore. I'm not afraid of speaking my mind and saying how I feel.
And I encourage everyone, all of my readers, to do the same. It changed me for the better. I've never felt happiness like this in my whole life. I've never loved myself like this.

And I have to thank my readers. From the bottom of my heart. I couldn't have done this without your motivation. I'd like to thank my family, for never giving up on me. For supporting me. And for always giving me advice.

Last but not least, I'd like to thank those who hurt me in the past. Those who bullied me and made me hurt. Because you made me SO incredibly strong. And I've learned.

Thank you. So much :)
Lets keep this mission going, shall we? :)

-Alexa Starky

And in the end..

Alexa did NOT go to prom.

Am I regretting? Nah. Am I curious about what would have happened if I had gone? Sure. Who wouldn't? But that night I did have fun with family and it was not a bummer at all.

But overall, I've been happy. I'm still going to the gym. Fitting into my clothes a little better now. Buying clothes and shoes and such that I would not have bought 40 pounds ago. I just feel better and I'm starting to finally see what everyone has been talking about when looking in the mirror.

And tonight I dyed my hair dark dark brown. Figured another small change wouldn't hurt anyone.

I only have 10 more school days left of my high school career. CRAZY THOUGHT! I can't believe it's over! And my last choir concert ever is this Friday. It's going to be an emotional last few weeks. So much has changed for me. In my life, and in myself.
Couldn't be more pleased.

-Alexa Starky

3 down? Really? Yes!

Just HAD to say, lost 3 pounds and haven't gone to the gym in a week due to the musical.
That's a good thing! Haha.
Definitely thought I had gained and that I would have been disappointed.

I'm really trying to focus on myself and love myself. It's hard to do when it's all you think about.
But it's a work in progress, and I know that.

-Alexa Starky

This is going to be a long one.

Alright readers. If there is 1 single week where you might question whether or not I am bipolar, would have been this week.
Lets start at the beginning. As most know, I didn't have the best part in our spring musical. And being president of the club and in most of the shows, I took it bitterly. I didn't enjoy a lot of my time there and I wanted it to be over. Well. Then show week comes around and all of the sudden it hits me. It's all over. Everything I am, everything I know. It's over!
Every year we have circle. Which is when all the seniors talk right before the last show. When it was my turn, waterfalls fell out of my eyes. It's crazy just how far I've gotten the past few months especially. I've become a new person this year and I could tell.
I was sad, frustrated, happy, excited, anxious, exhausted, hyper, and so much more all in like, 4 days!
I haven't been going to the gym this week because of the show. So, I will be getting back on that ball game starting this week.

Also, I've been talking to people I never thought I'd get close to. I'm taking chances, meeting people, trying to gain that confidence in myself I never thought I would have. I've laughed WAY too many times this week and I've gained so many great memories. This was a show I have learned from and will never forget.

Graduation is just around the corner for me. But before that I have to worry about some other stuff. Senior recital is tomorrow. I will be singing and hopefully will have it recorded to put on my blog! Then I have to worry about thespian inductions and training. Being president of the drama club I have to get that stuff done and working. Then I have to worry about banquet where I will be wearing water proof eye liner because I will be in tears the whole time most likely. Then my choir concert where I am grateful enough to be singing with my incredible choir and singing a duet with an incredible friend. THEN, I graduate! :)

I was busy this weekend house sitting for my moms friend and it was like my own vacation. I was with 2 stunning golden retrievers and had peace for a bit. It gave me time to think and just be. Which I really needed. It was like therapy. :)

There will be a lot going on and I'm going to try to make it a good experience for me.
I know this was a long blog. But a lot is going on and I'm excited to see where it all takes me! Back to the gym to see if I can lost more weight before all the upcoming stuff! Keep in touch!

-Alexa Starky

I'm not wrong to feel like this, right?

I feel conflicted, betrayed, stressed and beyond.
I just put so much effort into my club that I'm president of, and a show I'm barely seen in. And all I see are people taking things for granted and being stupid when people would kill just to have a line or dance number..
I worked more than 6 hours doing things the other day that weren't even my job.. I was disappointed and I came home in tears.

Not to mention, It's eating me alive knowing that if I could have lost like, 40 more pounds by now.. maybe I would have had a better part in the show. As disgusting as that sounds, it's true. I'm type casted or not casted at all and if I had lost a little more...

Not only am I trying my best to focus on myself, but now I need to focus on things that I won't be acknowledged for, but that are also not my job.
It's incredibly frustrating and exhausting.
And I got too hyped up in something/someone that would never be. I figured because I gained confidence I suddenly gained a backbone. That slowly died when I realized that I haven't changed anything. I took a chance, and it failed. So, needless to say, I'm incredibly frustrated.

I'm going to the gym. Lord knows I need it.. :/
Things will get better I'm sure..

-Alexa Starky

P.S. to my followers who also have my on facebook. I made a like page. Like that and it will have most of my updates. Thanks!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Mission-To-Change/103855846370032

I won't let you, close enough to hurt me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGcXqo4kcQw

I'm having a moment.
Perfect silence except this song, my voice, and tears.

Rehearsals for the musical I'm in have gotten harsh. The show is in 2 days.
And I walk on twice, I have no voice, no dancing, nothing.

If I could have one wish right now, it would be to fill the auditorium. Every single seat filled. Have one spotlight on me. And just sing this song with all the tears falling like they are now..
I have a voice. I have a talent. And I have one month left..
I want to show it. When will be my turn?

It was a stressful day. Full of regret, disappointment, and so on.
Hoping it will get better but knowing my rehearsal.. not likely.
We will see.
Just need to keep positive and motivated.

But.. Is it wrong to crave the spotlight?..

-Alexa Starky

I'm not bipolar, I'm just frustrated.

The title means something today.
My friend called me bipolar today. And it got me thinking. I know he was just kidding with me. But, look at my blog. I figure it's just frustrating. I'm going through a lot especially with myself and losing the weight. I don't feel bipolar, there is just a lot. And I really hope that my observation there is right.

Also, I'm spontaneous. If you hadn't noticed already. I'm really spontaneous, especially now that I'm a bit more confident in myself. I'm writing to people I hardly know, trying to make friends, trying to put myself out there more. And that is something I've never done. I just figure I'm working so hard on myself and I'm changing so much, might as well not have any other regrets right? Disappointment may be in the future, but, I wouldn't know until I tried right? I just hope I dont end up too disappointed in myself. But, I'm definitely being different and more spontaneous lately. I like it!

Also, in the process of writing this I got a notification on facebook. It was a message from a schoolmate who I hardly ever talk to. She's stunning, she's popular, and she knows who she is. And she told me that she reads my blog and looks forward to them! I really needed to hear that because every single day I question if what I'm doing is right for me and those are the things that really make me realize that I'm becoming a better person and I should like putting myself out there. This isn't a weird thing and I'm happy I'm motivating myself as well as other people. She also talked about prom. And how I'm definitely not the only one who would be going alone. I'm still really on the fence. I'm leaning more towards not going just because I don't want to be there awkward and alone. Not what I call a good time.

Time will tell.

I know this is a long blog but from the bottom of my heart, I'm feeling really good. I feel beautiful, I feel confident, and you guys are making it happen with me.
I'm SO grateful!

It's show week so I will be busy, but I will be posting when I can.
I'm absolutely in love with my mission to change!

-Alexa Starky

TMI? Or OMG!

I don't know if this is like, 'too much information' or something, but I think it's pretty awesome!
Ok, here it goes.

My mom and I went shopping today for underwear. Yeah I know, you're probably like, uhm, ok Alexa! That's enough.

No! Listen up, because this is big for me.
That was the first time EVER, that I have felt comfortable even in the discussion of undergarments. I was always like, 'ok whatever I look gross we get it.'
Nope. We bought like, 15 some pairs and I just feel, beautiful. Different in my skin.
I feel like I look better and I'm not afraid to look at myself anymore.

I mean, I'm even wearing shorts now. What is that? I've never even fathomed wearing shorts or skirts, and look at me.

I just see a massive improvement in myself and in the way I feel. It's midnight and insomnia has kicked in. And I can't seem to turn my mind off. I kind of like it :)

-Alexa Starky

I'm doing well, thanks.

Things are looking up for me.
Haven't been worrying too much. Taking things slowly, watching the weight fall off. Going to the gym every weekday and on some weekends. Sucks because my musical opens this week, so it will be hard to go to the gym. But, I will make it work!

Going to try my best!

But, school is good. I'm feeling a lot better about myself lately. I kinda, sorta, might, probably like someone. Whatever happens, happens. It's just fun to have that feeling again... :)

Anyway. :P

It's still hard, and it's still a journey and it's still complicated. You have to be SO patient in a process like this. But, everywhere I go, I hear how good I'm looking and how I look different. Or they compliment my shoes :) That's always fun!

I've just been, good. Really good. :)

-Alexa Starky

No more!

Alright, that's it!
NO MORE living for anyone else but myself! Come what may for the others.
No more beating myself over because someone doesn't like me.
No more feeling like it's my fault.

I'm losing weight. I'm watching my body transform. I enjoy looking at myself for once in my life! And that's all that should matter.
Who knows! Maybe something will be looking up for me because of all this.
But it's time to live for me, not for anyone else or any others' approval.

I'm running more and more miles everyday. I'm eating better and better. And I'm falling more and more in love, with myself. Which I never would have expected.

It's a new dawn, a new day, it's a new life, and I'm feeling good. :)

-Alexa Starky

Happy Passover.

Happy Passover to all the Jews out there. It was a fun time.
Couldn't help but feel weird though.

It was a stressful day. And I just took a leap and tried doing something I wouldn't normally do. I don't want to go into too much detail in case of people reading this. But, I took a leap of faith, and I hoped. And it drove me crazy all day and all night, seeing what would come out of it.
Nothing.
Shocker.

Yet again, blaming myself and my weight.
All throughout dinner and hanging with my family, all I thought was 'I wonder if I will have time to go to the gym..'

I've decided not to go to prom..
I will just be sad there. Alone. Feeling all pretty and dolled up for nothing. Feeling like no one wants me there. Just, not worth it.

It's been stressful for me. And I can't help but feel sad about all this.
Just figure, if I get thinner, I will be happier..

-Alexa Starky

Is prom over yet?

This whole prom thing is really starting to swallow me whole.
I keep thinking about it.
Everyone has a date. Then there is me, sitting here.

And yet again, I turn to my weight. I keep beating myself up saying 'You could have lost more.' or 'No one wants to ask because you haven't lost enough.'
It's all about the weight.
I'm a happy person and I like the way I look now, but this whole prom thing is going to be the death of me.

I promised myself it wouldn't. But everyone is getting these pretty dresses and getting asked in these awesome ways. I'm even helping people ask other people. I'm like.. I'm like the girl from 27 dresses. Helping everyone else, and not helping herself or getting what I feel I deserve and really want.

People say to go alone. It will be better with friends. Seriously, shut up! You'd hate it to if you were the only one going alone.
And people say ask someone yourself! My biggest fear is rejection. And I am still 'the fat girl' only now I believe I'm 'the fat girl who's trying to lose weight' at my school. I can't just walk around and ask because in my eyes I'm still that insecure girl who will get rejected in a heartbeat. So.


This is just stressful and I want this whole thing to be over!

-Alexa Starky

The Shirt!

This shirt, used to be one of my least favorites. I can't find a picture of it anywhere but it used to show my stomach like CRAZY. It was unattractive and I had to wear a jacket over it every time!

Well... I chose to put it on today. And see. Just see what it looked like and if it was still gross.

You tell me ? :)



I looked in the mirror this morning and I was like... I LIKE THIS SHIRT?!?!?

Just needed to share! :)

-Alexa Starky

How much? How many?

How many times to I have to walk by?
How many more times do I have to smile?
How much more often do I have to go to the gym?

How much more weight do I have to lose?..

How much more..?

I feel like it's my weight that is the only thing to blame. All the issues I have, I blame on my weight. It sucks. Because I've lost a lot and I feel like it isn't enough. Every bad thing, I point at my weight.
Every good thing, I point at the weight I've lost. It's ALL about weight.
It's like a drug. Having to lose and lose and lose just to get accepted. To feel happy about myself.

I feel like the pressure of prom and all that has really made it worse.

But, I feel like nothing will ever be good enough. I look at people and say 'We can't be together because I'm fat..'

Who wants to live like that? Just keep figuring that I need to lose more. And then lose more. And then lose even more.
I really don't want that to get worse.
It's already bad enough...

Give me motivation..?

-Alexa Starky

Well what do you know, it is worth it :)

Just got home from the gym. Had a pretty rough and negative day until that. Then I come home to find that my blog is motivating people! I wasn't sure if it was but tonight proved it.
Found out a fellow classmate reads my blog and is motivated by it. I'm not the only one here who is wanting a change. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this and that I am helping.
Getting personal and helping myself is in the end, helping others.

This blog is real, this is my venting machine, and I'm glad it's help me lose the weight and it's keeping me going. It's also really great knowing it's helping others.

Totally made my night.
AND, I got hit on at the gym today!

I feel like the icing on the cake would be a date to prom. But, come what may.
:)

-Alexa Starky

..The 'P' Word.

I'm sick, and tired, and frustrated with this word.
This little word. It's only 4 letters. But it's everywhere! It's surrounding my life right now.
PROM!!!!

If I have to hear this word again today, I might just explode.
I really wasn't planning on going. I figure, I had such a great time at prom last year, I don't want to go again and not enjoy it. But, I've been helping people get asked, I've been hearing stories about people being asked, and I'm starting to.. idk. Want to go?

I just know all these people are being asked and going together and I just don't want to go alone.
And I mean, I've lost weight but I am really thinking that it isn't enough. I want to be asked.. But never in a million years could I imagine. I'm just not...prom material..

And I tried to make myself that way, but I don't think I've gotten there yet. It is pretty sad that being I weigh a little more, I don't think I'm good enough to be asked.. But as of right now, I don't see that happening.. Kinda sucks.

I just want prom to happen so I don't ever have to hear about it again..
Kinda down in the dumps today. Gonna go for a workout and hopefully become "Prom material" by the end of the year..
We will see.

-Alexa Starky

Shorts? Me? YES!

So, I bought something.
Something I NEVER ever ever ever ever bought before!
I bought, SHORTS!
To those who know me, when do I ever wear shorts??
I went out yesterday and bought some. And man it feels good!

It was something I've always wanted but I never felt good enough to wear them. That's an improvement right? :) I'm very thrilled.

I've been trying my best to move on with my life and really work on myself. Need to go to the gym more and work out more. I've kinda lost that motivation a bit but wearing shorts and doing things I never do, makes me want to keep going and see where I can end up.
Graduating in like, 6 weeks. I want to be even thinner. Start college anew!

Lets keep it going!

-Alexa Starky