The past 3 years have been the most incredible adventure for me. I've grown in more ways than I ever could have imagined. This blog gave me a pathway and a meaning in a life I was giving up on. It allowed me to express myself in ways I never thought possible. It kept me motivated to make a change and give a voice to the other over weight teenage girls out there who went through the same problems I did. With the bullies, the health issues, and everything that comes with the complicated lifestyle I dealt with for 20 years, it all came together in this blog.
In this blog I dealt with my first love, my first heartbreak, rejection, my first real goal, a lot of firsts. And this, is my last.
As my readers know, I finally was approved for surgery and went through with it on November 20th, only a few weeks ago. I don't think I have ever felt so good about myself. And for once in my life, I feel like I am getting somewhere. I'm feeling healthier, I'm comfortable in my body which I have never felt before, and I am in a better place mentally.
I feel like the blog is just a crutch now. It was a place I could vent and express the words I was too afraid to in public. I'm a happier Alexa. I feel like this mission is outdated and I don't need it anymore. I won't be writing publicly any longer.
I can't even explain how grateful I am for what came of this blog, and the people who surround it. I've become closer with my friends, I was able to share a part of me I never thought I could with everyone. I started talking to people I never thought I would. And I feel like I am at such a positive place, that it is a good time to say goodbye.
Of course, Facebook will be a good place for big updates on my progression. But in the long run, this is for me, and no one else. And the worrying about anonymous opinions and the need to explain myself, isn't a priority anymore.
I'm finally in love with myself. This life change came at a perfect time in my life. I know it's cheesy but, this blog definitely saved my life. I was so trapped in my own mind before this place, and getting the opportunity to let people into my view of life was the best thing the last 3 years brought to me.
Maybe one day I'll want to write again. But that will be a whole new blog, and a whole other chapter in my life. Thank you readers for supporting me and being my backbone as I grew up and matured.
It was rough, but it was a time I will never forget.
With all my love,
Alexa Starky.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Magnifying the Big Picture
Hello everyone. It's been awhile and not much has happened to be honest.
But, the comments on my last blog really had me thinking.
An anonymous person decided to inform me on why it is I am overweight. While the content was realistic and according to a doctors charts indeed true, telling me that I'm sending myself to an early grave really didn't help, nor did it make me feel any better.
To the anonymous person, thank you for your advice, but all it really did was depress me more and have me vent to my therapist about you a bit.
I see my therapist every single week. We have pretty much come to the conclusion that, well, I'm a little fucked up in the head. Being bullied my entire life and emotional eating was last weeks discussion. And we managed to really root it down to where it all began and how it led to here. There were many tears, tons of frustration, some hatred, but a real release. It was something so deep inside me, that I managed to hide it under denial, hate, pain, food, and fake smiles...
I am so good at fake smiles. I am quick on my feet, always have been. And I just managed to let all the sadness get pushed deep down. When my therapist managed to get her metaphorical shovel out and tear me a new one, I was able to walk out of her office and breathe.
While it still kills me that I remember the little boy in 4th grade, and the bitchy popular girls who would make fun of my leg fat in 5th and 6th grade, it isn't sitting inside me still like it used to.
What my friends, family, and bullies didn't know was I had major emotional eating problems. I grew up in an environment where we ate to calm ourselves, and we had to eat the entire plate or we couldn't leave the table. My whole family eats to ease emotion, and I learned how to do it at a very young age. I grew up thinking that 'full' was sick to my stomach, can't fit anymore food kind of full. And it really effected how I grew up eating, and exactly why I'd want to eat in the first place. Every time I'd get called names or would get laughed at, I would binge on any food I could possibly get to. I ate so much, every day, for years. When I moved to Paradise Valley and found out I was going to my very first public school, I ate a ridiculous amount of calories every day that summer because I was freaking out inside, and I went to a new school, with new people, at a young age, fatter than I've ever been. That caused me to get bullied even more later causing me to eat even more. This didn't happen because I was lazy and just wanted McDonalds everyday. It happened because I was a sad child who didn't know any better.
I talked to my therapist about this for a long time. We dug deep and it became a positive release, and I don't feel like I'm carrying that burden on my shoulders like I used to. I can breathe.
Well... sort of. My sister and I have noticed that my breathing hasn't been too grand lately. And we later realized that my tonsils were freakishly huge. They were so huge it became a chore to breathe. So, today while I was at work, I couldn't catch a deep breath. So, I left early and headed to the ER for some help. They gave me some medicine to take away the swelling and I will have to get my tonsils removed. Yay for that. So there is another thing to add to my list.
My birthday was last week. It's crazy that I am 20 years old. I decided it was my "I'm not 19 anymore birthday." Because 19 SUCKED!!! I'm excited for what age 20 has to offer!
Now, about that one pretty important thing coming up, meaning my gastric sleeve surgery. It has been a LONG 3 months, but I am done with my primary care diet and maintenance, and everything I need is turned into insurance. So, I should be hearing from my insurance/surgeon soon about my surgery date.
It is becoming more and more real. I am really glad I've followed my instinct and have gotten to this point. I've been eating better, doing productive things during the day, and trying to get out of this emotional distress lull, if you will. I'm trying to run whenever possible, I might be getting myself a treadmill! YAY! And while I'm trying to get my doggies in shape, I'm doing the same for myself.
The only way I know how to end this post is basically by talking once more about the anonymous notes again... I don't know who that person was. But, if it wasn't anonymous, was a little more sympathetic with some sort of understanding that this isn't just weight anymore, it is me as a person and my emotional heath as well as my physical health, it would have been some good criticism and I would have taken it to heart. But, telling me that I am sending myself to an early grave, and pointing fingers and facts at me that I've heard my entire life wasn't helpful in the least bit.
I took it very personally and offensively. I'd appreciate knowing who it was so we can talk about it or have some sort of understanding. If not, I won't let it effect me or my decisions.
I'm excited for what is about to come my way. I sadly don't depend on this blog anymore....
With that being said, I will be deleting (or maybe just not using anymore) this blog. I decided that after surgery I will make a brand new blog. I will leave these problems behind me. I don't want to look back and see my break up with Eian, my heartaches, my old memories. I'm turning into a new person! I want a new start. So, I will keep you all posted on that!
I am definitely learning as I go... and I just keep going.
-Alexa Starky
But, the comments on my last blog really had me thinking.
An anonymous person decided to inform me on why it is I am overweight. While the content was realistic and according to a doctors charts indeed true, telling me that I'm sending myself to an early grave really didn't help, nor did it make me feel any better.
To the anonymous person, thank you for your advice, but all it really did was depress me more and have me vent to my therapist about you a bit.
I see my therapist every single week. We have pretty much come to the conclusion that, well, I'm a little fucked up in the head. Being bullied my entire life and emotional eating was last weeks discussion. And we managed to really root it down to where it all began and how it led to here. There were many tears, tons of frustration, some hatred, but a real release. It was something so deep inside me, that I managed to hide it under denial, hate, pain, food, and fake smiles...
I am so good at fake smiles. I am quick on my feet, always have been. And I just managed to let all the sadness get pushed deep down. When my therapist managed to get her metaphorical shovel out and tear me a new one, I was able to walk out of her office and breathe.
While it still kills me that I remember the little boy in 4th grade, and the bitchy popular girls who would make fun of my leg fat in 5th and 6th grade, it isn't sitting inside me still like it used to.
What my friends, family, and bullies didn't know was I had major emotional eating problems. I grew up in an environment where we ate to calm ourselves, and we had to eat the entire plate or we couldn't leave the table. My whole family eats to ease emotion, and I learned how to do it at a very young age. I grew up thinking that 'full' was sick to my stomach, can't fit anymore food kind of full. And it really effected how I grew up eating, and exactly why I'd want to eat in the first place. Every time I'd get called names or would get laughed at, I would binge on any food I could possibly get to. I ate so much, every day, for years. When I moved to Paradise Valley and found out I was going to my very first public school, I ate a ridiculous amount of calories every day that summer because I was freaking out inside, and I went to a new school, with new people, at a young age, fatter than I've ever been. That caused me to get bullied even more later causing me to eat even more. This didn't happen because I was lazy and just wanted McDonalds everyday. It happened because I was a sad child who didn't know any better.
I talked to my therapist about this for a long time. We dug deep and it became a positive release, and I don't feel like I'm carrying that burden on my shoulders like I used to. I can breathe.
Well... sort of. My sister and I have noticed that my breathing hasn't been too grand lately. And we later realized that my tonsils were freakishly huge. They were so huge it became a chore to breathe. So, today while I was at work, I couldn't catch a deep breath. So, I left early and headed to the ER for some help. They gave me some medicine to take away the swelling and I will have to get my tonsils removed. Yay for that. So there is another thing to add to my list.
My birthday was last week. It's crazy that I am 20 years old. I decided it was my "I'm not 19 anymore birthday." Because 19 SUCKED!!! I'm excited for what age 20 has to offer!
Now, about that one pretty important thing coming up, meaning my gastric sleeve surgery. It has been a LONG 3 months, but I am done with my primary care diet and maintenance, and everything I need is turned into insurance. So, I should be hearing from my insurance/surgeon soon about my surgery date.
It is becoming more and more real. I am really glad I've followed my instinct and have gotten to this point. I've been eating better, doing productive things during the day, and trying to get out of this emotional distress lull, if you will. I'm trying to run whenever possible, I might be getting myself a treadmill! YAY! And while I'm trying to get my doggies in shape, I'm doing the same for myself.
The only way I know how to end this post is basically by talking once more about the anonymous notes again... I don't know who that person was. But, if it wasn't anonymous, was a little more sympathetic with some sort of understanding that this isn't just weight anymore, it is me as a person and my emotional heath as well as my physical health, it would have been some good criticism and I would have taken it to heart. But, telling me that I am sending myself to an early grave, and pointing fingers and facts at me that I've heard my entire life wasn't helpful in the least bit.
I took it very personally and offensively. I'd appreciate knowing who it was so we can talk about it or have some sort of understanding. If not, I won't let it effect me or my decisions.
I'm excited for what is about to come my way. I sadly don't depend on this blog anymore....
With that being said, I will be deleting (or maybe just not using anymore) this blog. I decided that after surgery I will make a brand new blog. I will leave these problems behind me. I don't want to look back and see my break up with Eian, my heartaches, my old memories. I'm turning into a new person! I want a new start. So, I will keep you all posted on that!
I am definitely learning as I go... and I just keep going.
-Alexa Starky
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
My Most Personal Post. Bare With Me.
I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. I just sit and stare at the dark ceiling all night until I finally pass out. My dreams are strange and complicated, but I remember every detail of them lately. I wake up confused and quite frankly sad, because my dreams are more exciting than my life right now.
I am going through a strange time. I am not where I thought I would be. And it's sad that everything I went through, led me to this spot right now.
Thinking about my surgery I will undergo, both excites me, and depresses the hell out of me. Who wants to cut their stomach out at 20 years old??? Who is that desperate? All my life I was overweight, and all my life I was bullied for it.
When I was in 4th grade, a kid told me I shook the bus....
Freshman year I walked into a McDonalds and kids from my school loudly coughed 'fat' as I walked by.
All my life I felt different and ugly... Guys say that girls are stupid and naive because we call them jerks. Well honestly, I'll stop calling you jerks when you stop staring at me like I'm the elephant in the room... literally.
I can't even walk into a sushi restaurant in Scottsdale because I feel like I'm literally drowning in beautiful people. I feel... so ugly. And as much as my friends and family tell me otherwise, how can you not believe what you've heard from people all your life? When social media and society is telling you RIGHT TO YOUR FACE that you aren't good enough, and don't fit in, how are you supposed to feel? It's like being rejected by your entire society...
I didn't want to be here. I have tried everything in my power to lose this weight... I've done everything! Weight Watchers, miracle pills, working out everyday, vegetable diets, protein diets, liquid diets, no eating diets, throwing your food up diet....
I feel like a failure...
I didn't want to be here.... I don't want to be me...
I act happy with my friends, and sometimes I really am happy. But, I am really good at hiding my feelings and really good at faking a smile.
I am taking medication for this depression, and I am depressed about that! It is a never ending circle and I can't stop going around and around and around and I feel like there is no end and it is killing me and exhausting me and all I ever want to do is give up because nothing is working!
After all of this venting, I hope it proves how anxious and excited I am to get surgery. Firstly, to help with my medical problems... But to finally feel that looking at myself won't be such a chore. I need this...
And I just need my friends to be patient with me... Because I'm not myself. And if you're reading this, PLEASE, all I ask is to just help me enjoy my time right now. Help me laugh and enjoy myself, because I'm not doing much of that anymore.
That would mean everything to me right now.
This post is to let it all out. Just let everyone see what they wanted to hear out of me. I don't want to talk about it outside of my blog. I just want my friends to read this and know that I am crying like crazy writing this at 3 on a Wednesday morning.
If you're reading this, seriously thank you. This is such a hard time for me. And it's been a tough and heartbreaking year. And I REALLY do think that the end of this year will change completely and things will turn around. Having my friends, family, and my therapist is everything to me. I don't know where I would be... I honestly don't think I could handle being on this earth without any of you.
All I ask is that, when you see someone who maybe doesn't look so happy or is simply different... Do something to make their day. You don't know what is happening in their life, and a simple smile or compliment makes their whole world. I know that's what happens to me.
This will probably be my last blog until surgery details come about. It's hard to express these emotions and face the fact that someone is reading it... But that's what I made this blog for. To express the words I would never dare say out loud.
Thanks for reading this... Comment below and I'll gladly respond.
I just can't wait to be different....
-Alexa.
I am going through a strange time. I am not where I thought I would be. And it's sad that everything I went through, led me to this spot right now.
Thinking about my surgery I will undergo, both excites me, and depresses the hell out of me. Who wants to cut their stomach out at 20 years old??? Who is that desperate? All my life I was overweight, and all my life I was bullied for it.
When I was in 4th grade, a kid told me I shook the bus....
Freshman year I walked into a McDonalds and kids from my school loudly coughed 'fat' as I walked by.
All my life I felt different and ugly... Guys say that girls are stupid and naive because we call them jerks. Well honestly, I'll stop calling you jerks when you stop staring at me like I'm the elephant in the room... literally.
I can't even walk into a sushi restaurant in Scottsdale because I feel like I'm literally drowning in beautiful people. I feel... so ugly. And as much as my friends and family tell me otherwise, how can you not believe what you've heard from people all your life? When social media and society is telling you RIGHT TO YOUR FACE that you aren't good enough, and don't fit in, how are you supposed to feel? It's like being rejected by your entire society...
I didn't want to be here. I have tried everything in my power to lose this weight... I've done everything! Weight Watchers, miracle pills, working out everyday, vegetable diets, protein diets, liquid diets, no eating diets, throwing your food up diet....
I feel like a failure...
I didn't want to be here.... I don't want to be me...
I act happy with my friends, and sometimes I really am happy. But, I am really good at hiding my feelings and really good at faking a smile.
I am taking medication for this depression, and I am depressed about that! It is a never ending circle and I can't stop going around and around and around and I feel like there is no end and it is killing me and exhausting me and all I ever want to do is give up because nothing is working!
After all of this venting, I hope it proves how anxious and excited I am to get surgery. Firstly, to help with my medical problems... But to finally feel that looking at myself won't be such a chore. I need this...
And I just need my friends to be patient with me... Because I'm not myself. And if you're reading this, PLEASE, all I ask is to just help me enjoy my time right now. Help me laugh and enjoy myself, because I'm not doing much of that anymore.
That would mean everything to me right now.
This post is to let it all out. Just let everyone see what they wanted to hear out of me. I don't want to talk about it outside of my blog. I just want my friends to read this and know that I am crying like crazy writing this at 3 on a Wednesday morning.
If you're reading this, seriously thank you. This is such a hard time for me. And it's been a tough and heartbreaking year. And I REALLY do think that the end of this year will change completely and things will turn around. Having my friends, family, and my therapist is everything to me. I don't know where I would be... I honestly don't think I could handle being on this earth without any of you.
All I ask is that, when you see someone who maybe doesn't look so happy or is simply different... Do something to make their day. You don't know what is happening in their life, and a simple smile or compliment makes their whole world. I know that's what happens to me.
This will probably be my last blog until surgery details come about. It's hard to express these emotions and face the fact that someone is reading it... But that's what I made this blog for. To express the words I would never dare say out loud.
Thanks for reading this... Comment below and I'll gladly respond.
I just can't wait to be different....
-Alexa.
Monday, August 20, 2012
From preparing for school, to preparing for surgery..?
I really didn't think I would be here at this stage in my life.
I had dreamed that I would be in a new city, living a dream, writing and performing, going to school, being a new person.
I would be lying if I said I was content right now. Who wants to be 19, going on 20, stuck at home getting stomach surgery?
It doesn't help that the process is incredibly long and slow. It is months of waiting and wondering, and all you can do is imagine and hope that it is all worth it in the end.
They have me on new medication for my depression and anxiety. I was SO incredibly against it at first. But, this year was really life changing and turned into a bit of a hell for me. I have been very hurt and have grown apart from a lot of people.
With all that aside, I've definitely learned who my real friends are. The ones who I am comfortable telling anything to, and those who value my opinion and know what to say to make things better.
Everyday is a life lesson for me. And I'm learning about my patience and how much I value this life changing experience.
Not getting prepared for my 2nd year of college is hard for me. But, hopefully within the next month or two I will get a surgery date, I will be working out and just taking care of me.
It will be a learning experience.
As my best friend Brady said to me, it's an Alexa-mester. A semester to focus on Alexa, and learn about myself and what I can do.
This isn't where I thought I would be at this point... But, I'm going to work it, and make it the best it can be.
Life is going to change.
-Alexa Starky
I had dreamed that I would be in a new city, living a dream, writing and performing, going to school, being a new person.
I would be lying if I said I was content right now. Who wants to be 19, going on 20, stuck at home getting stomach surgery?
It doesn't help that the process is incredibly long and slow. It is months of waiting and wondering, and all you can do is imagine and hope that it is all worth it in the end.
They have me on new medication for my depression and anxiety. I was SO incredibly against it at first. But, this year was really life changing and turned into a bit of a hell for me. I have been very hurt and have grown apart from a lot of people.
With all that aside, I've definitely learned who my real friends are. The ones who I am comfortable telling anything to, and those who value my opinion and know what to say to make things better.
Everyday is a life lesson for me. And I'm learning about my patience and how much I value this life changing experience.
Not getting prepared for my 2nd year of college is hard for me. But, hopefully within the next month or two I will get a surgery date, I will be working out and just taking care of me.
It will be a learning experience.
As my best friend Brady said to me, it's an Alexa-mester. A semester to focus on Alexa, and learn about myself and what I can do.
This isn't where I thought I would be at this point... But, I'm going to work it, and make it the best it can be.
Life is going to change.
-Alexa Starky
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Bummer Summer
It has been well over a month since I've written last. I have been focused mainly on finishing summer classes and starting my new doctor experiences.
Doctor experiences you might ask?
Well yes, because as of July 4th, my insurance changed and they now offer the 1 thing I have been waiting 5 years for. Gastric bypass.
I don't know if you readers can go this far back in time with me, but, this blog started due to my interest in gastric surgery. I wanted the lap band when I was 17 and my doctor said I needed to start tracking my process, thus gave me an idea for my blog. As I started that, however, insurance denied me and I basically broke into pieces, thus starting a new mission to change that has gotten me this far.
But, I went to my meetings and I have done COUNTLESS doctor appointments the past few weeks. I have decided to not get full on gastric bypass simply because the risks are higher. And of course the fact that you cannot drink alcohol after that surgery...Hello! I'm not even 21 yet, give me a break.
I have decided to go with what is called the 'sleeve.' It is not actually a sleeve per-say but it is just simply taking out the access 90% of the stomach I don't need and not messing with my intestines or any of that other good stuff.
Since I have decided this, insurance and my doctors have a check list I need to complete full of new diets, different tests I have to do, and specific monthly visits in order to hopefully get the surgery within the next 4 months. So I have done a 345 question psych evaluation, consultations with the surgeons, nutritionists, therapists, and fitness specialists. As well as blood tests, ultra sounds, breathing tests, and more to come within the next few weeks. It's keeping me busy, and it has been incredibly hard and stressful on myself.
No one really wants to get to this point... Because it is such a massive change I'm going to see my therapist regularly and get on some anti-depressants just to be able to keep myself from going insane in the process. It is a lot to handle, this being the reason I haven't been writing or even seeing my friends...
If my friends are reading this, your patience and support is not unnoticed, I'm just not all present right now and I'm going through one of the hardest times in my life and have a specific way of coping with it. My life is changing in a matter of month and it's everything I've dreamed about, but it is a troubling time as well. Lets hope it can only go up from here. I adore you guys.
Now I have heard my share of opinions and negative comments. So, if you plan to leave one here for me, please understand I have made my choice, we have talked long and hard and I have done my research and until you walk in my shoes and see what it is like in my body, I just don't want to hear it from any of you.
I am very excited for yet another change to start!
So until my next big update, I'm on a strict diet with my doctors, I'm exercising at least 30 minutes a day and drink all the water humanly possible. I just don't want to lose track and I want to be the best me possible. And I think that Alexa is on its way.
Sorry the blog is long. A lot to fit in one post, and this isn't even all of it. I'll try to update more.
On to another mission to change. And still learning as I go. And I will keep going and going.
-Alexa Starky
Doctor experiences you might ask?
Well yes, because as of July 4th, my insurance changed and they now offer the 1 thing I have been waiting 5 years for. Gastric bypass.
I don't know if you readers can go this far back in time with me, but, this blog started due to my interest in gastric surgery. I wanted the lap band when I was 17 and my doctor said I needed to start tracking my process, thus gave me an idea for my blog. As I started that, however, insurance denied me and I basically broke into pieces, thus starting a new mission to change that has gotten me this far.
But, I went to my meetings and I have done COUNTLESS doctor appointments the past few weeks. I have decided to not get full on gastric bypass simply because the risks are higher. And of course the fact that you cannot drink alcohol after that surgery...Hello! I'm not even 21 yet, give me a break.
I have decided to go with what is called the 'sleeve.' It is not actually a sleeve per-say but it is just simply taking out the access 90% of the stomach I don't need and not messing with my intestines or any of that other good stuff.
Since I have decided this, insurance and my doctors have a check list I need to complete full of new diets, different tests I have to do, and specific monthly visits in order to hopefully get the surgery within the next 4 months. So I have done a 345 question psych evaluation, consultations with the surgeons, nutritionists, therapists, and fitness specialists. As well as blood tests, ultra sounds, breathing tests, and more to come within the next few weeks. It's keeping me busy, and it has been incredibly hard and stressful on myself.
No one really wants to get to this point... Because it is such a massive change I'm going to see my therapist regularly and get on some anti-depressants just to be able to keep myself from going insane in the process. It is a lot to handle, this being the reason I haven't been writing or even seeing my friends...
If my friends are reading this, your patience and support is not unnoticed, I'm just not all present right now and I'm going through one of the hardest times in my life and have a specific way of coping with it. My life is changing in a matter of month and it's everything I've dreamed about, but it is a troubling time as well. Lets hope it can only go up from here. I adore you guys.
Now I have heard my share of opinions and negative comments. So, if you plan to leave one here for me, please understand I have made my choice, we have talked long and hard and I have done my research and until you walk in my shoes and see what it is like in my body, I just don't want to hear it from any of you.
I am very excited for yet another change to start!
So until my next big update, I'm on a strict diet with my doctors, I'm exercising at least 30 minutes a day and drink all the water humanly possible. I just don't want to lose track and I want to be the best me possible. And I think that Alexa is on its way.
Sorry the blog is long. A lot to fit in one post, and this isn't even all of it. I'll try to update more.
On to another mission to change. And still learning as I go. And I will keep going and going.
-Alexa Starky
Sunday, June 24, 2012
My Movie Obsession.
I see at least 2 movies in the movie theaters a week.
I am always at the movies. It's become a hobby, and a lifestyle.
Whenever I am leaving my house, my family basically knows that I'm going to a Harkins to see a movie. It's even gotten to a point where I've started to go alone.
Whenever someone asks me why I'm going to so many movies, my answer was always 'because I want to see it.' But now I'm starting to see movies 2 and 3 times, just to see a movie.
I've figured out what it is.
I am so frustrated with everything going on in my own life, I will pay anything to just sit in a dark room and escape my life and watch another. It's my escape from school, work, studying, family, friends, love, surgery, my weight, and everything in between. I'm very frustrated.
So I go to laugh, cry, and feel for someone else for a little while.
I watch other fates change, other people fall in and out of love, die, solve problems, create problems, and find themselves. All in hope that I will do the same when I walk out of the comfort of the black room.
Film is my absolute love. And writing stories and creating someone outside of myself is my high.
I really need to figure this all out... I can't sit in a movie forever...
- Alexa Starky
I am always at the movies. It's become a hobby, and a lifestyle.
Whenever I am leaving my house, my family basically knows that I'm going to a Harkins to see a movie. It's even gotten to a point where I've started to go alone.
Whenever someone asks me why I'm going to so many movies, my answer was always 'because I want to see it.' But now I'm starting to see movies 2 and 3 times, just to see a movie.
I've figured out what it is.
I am so frustrated with everything going on in my own life, I will pay anything to just sit in a dark room and escape my life and watch another. It's my escape from school, work, studying, family, friends, love, surgery, my weight, and everything in between. I'm very frustrated.
So I go to laugh, cry, and feel for someone else for a little while.
I watch other fates change, other people fall in and out of love, die, solve problems, create problems, and find themselves. All in hope that I will do the same when I walk out of the comfort of the black room.
Film is my absolute love. And writing stories and creating someone outside of myself is my high.
I really need to figure this all out... I can't sit in a movie forever...
- Alexa Starky
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Happy 2 Years.
Today marks the 2 years I've been writing my blog. There have been ups, downs, and everything in between. I will read some of my past blogs and just remember how far I've come.
I started this blog to help myself, and open other peoples eyes to a life they didn't no about.
This blog has saved my life 1 million times.
Thank you for 2 incredible years. All the stories I've posted, and all that we have accomplished is worth everything.
It's a hard life. But it makes a great story in the end.
I love you all so much.
Happy 2 years to me and My Mission To Change.
I truly adore you.
I'm always learning as I go. In far more ways than 1.
-Alexa Starky
I started this blog to help myself, and open other peoples eyes to a life they didn't no about.
This blog has saved my life 1 million times.
Thank you for 2 incredible years. All the stories I've posted, and all that we have accomplished is worth everything.
It's a hard life. But it makes a great story in the end.
I love you all so much.
Happy 2 years to me and My Mission To Change.
I truly adore you.
I'm always learning as I go. In far more ways than 1.
-Alexa Starky
Exhausted.
I have written a million first sentences in this post. I just don't know how to start it...
I am a mess lately. But, I'm a happy mess. It is like I am content with my mess. Who can live this way and not vent about it via blog? So here we go.
School. Is. A. BITCH! And that is the lightest of terms I considered using. I am talking homework off the wazoo, chapter after chapter. It is so much to absorb in only 5 short weeks, they are throwing information left and right. Thank goodness for my friend Joy, or I probably would have dropped out already. It is kicking my ass and it's going to be a difficult few weeks...
My job is getting better. It is kind of in the way, sadly, due to all the school work. But I'm lucky enough to have managers and coworkers who really understand where I'm coming from and I'm glad I get their support in all this.
Every single day feels like a month. June couldn't go slower... The past 3 days have felt like a year. With the fact that I only have 1 month left until the lap band process happens, it's the slowest ticking clock. Not a single day goes by I don't think about my weight. It's like a disease. I truly believe everything I do, every look I get, every person I see is judging me based on the way I look. And it is honestly eating me alive.... This surgery is my blessing and people who don't agree with me needs to take a walk in my shoes for a day. This month is taking forever... I mean how can someone tell you "The answer to all your problems is solved, we can fix this, and the process starts in a month. So you have to wait."
I'm trying to spend as much time with my friends and family as possible. I'm trying to stay connected with music, and writing, and keeping busy with passions. Otherwise who knows what June would look like.
Not a day goes by I don't think about the asshole that broke my heart. I mean, even I'm starting to think I'm pathetic. But there are always cracks within the seams of a broken heart. And it is sickening that he is always there with me. It's been months. And I'm just dying for closure or something. Anything. If you EVER read this... please allow me to let you go.. I'm just tired of the day dreams and flashbacks... Please end this shitty story.
This life is SO hard. It is not one you can live alone. I was bullied my whole life, I've always been overweight, my friends, my family and my blog kept me alive. And as I always say, I'm lucky to have those people behind my back supporting me every day. Each of my friends and family members are a part of me that make me the way I am. Who are we without the ones we love?
Sure I'm impatient. I want school to end, I want this lap band, I want the guy, I want it all and I want it now.
One of my favorite quotes is
Life is a marathon, not a sprint...
Good things are coming... It is just hard to remember that sometimes.
I am a mess lately. But, I'm a happy mess. It is like I am content with my mess. Who can live this way and not vent about it via blog? So here we go.
School. Is. A. BITCH! And that is the lightest of terms I considered using. I am talking homework off the wazoo, chapter after chapter. It is so much to absorb in only 5 short weeks, they are throwing information left and right. Thank goodness for my friend Joy, or I probably would have dropped out already. It is kicking my ass and it's going to be a difficult few weeks...
My job is getting better. It is kind of in the way, sadly, due to all the school work. But I'm lucky enough to have managers and coworkers who really understand where I'm coming from and I'm glad I get their support in all this.
Every single day feels like a month. June couldn't go slower... The past 3 days have felt like a year. With the fact that I only have 1 month left until the lap band process happens, it's the slowest ticking clock. Not a single day goes by I don't think about my weight. It's like a disease. I truly believe everything I do, every look I get, every person I see is judging me based on the way I look. And it is honestly eating me alive.... This surgery is my blessing and people who don't agree with me needs to take a walk in my shoes for a day. This month is taking forever... I mean how can someone tell you "The answer to all your problems is solved, we can fix this, and the process starts in a month. So you have to wait."
I'm trying to spend as much time with my friends and family as possible. I'm trying to stay connected with music, and writing, and keeping busy with passions. Otherwise who knows what June would look like.
Not a day goes by I don't think about the asshole that broke my heart. I mean, even I'm starting to think I'm pathetic. But there are always cracks within the seams of a broken heart. And it is sickening that he is always there with me. It's been months. And I'm just dying for closure or something. Anything. If you EVER read this... please allow me to let you go.. I'm just tired of the day dreams and flashbacks... Please end this shitty story.
This life is SO hard. It is not one you can live alone. I was bullied my whole life, I've always been overweight, my friends, my family and my blog kept me alive. And as I always say, I'm lucky to have those people behind my back supporting me every day. Each of my friends and family members are a part of me that make me the way I am. Who are we without the ones we love?
Sure I'm impatient. I want school to end, I want this lap band, I want the guy, I want it all and I want it now.
One of my favorite quotes is
Life is a marathon, not a sprint...
So don't rush things. Because anything worth having, is worth waiting for.
Good things are coming... It is just hard to remember that sometimes.Sunday, May 20, 2012
You know...
You know that feeling when you really want to say something to someone? Like, you have it so set in your mind. You've rehearsed it about 20 million times alone to yourself. You think about those words before you go to bed. You think the scenario through over and over again. Imagining every possible outcome?
You know that feeling when you have the opportunity to say it out loud, then never do... And you still think about it a million times over.
You know you aren't really ever satisfied because you're so scared of your perfect scene not going as you planned.
I'd kill to have the guts and courage to say what I've been planning for months and months. It eats at me every single day.
But, the more I get screwed over, the less I want to say to you, and more I want to say to the incredible, sweet, generous, real human being next to me.
Maybe I can't plan the perfect scene with the perfect guy and the perfect outcome. Maybe you have to get torn apart to figure out what is really worth the words....
You know that worthless feeling? That one you get when someone completely screws you over, and you basically feel hollow?
I don't really have that anymore...
You are so not worth the words...
You know that feeling where you can't let go?
You know that feeling where you finally let go, and put it in a blog and move on to the new words you hope to say to someone one day...?
I know that feeling.
I think it's going to be an ok summer. Without you. And with everyone else.
-Alexa Starky
You know that feeling when you have the opportunity to say it out loud, then never do... And you still think about it a million times over.
You know you aren't really ever satisfied because you're so scared of your perfect scene not going as you planned.
I'd kill to have the guts and courage to say what I've been planning for months and months. It eats at me every single day.
But, the more I get screwed over, the less I want to say to you, and more I want to say to the incredible, sweet, generous, real human being next to me.
Maybe I can't plan the perfect scene with the perfect guy and the perfect outcome. Maybe you have to get torn apart to figure out what is really worth the words....
You know that worthless feeling? That one you get when someone completely screws you over, and you basically feel hollow?
I don't really have that anymore...
You are so not worth the words...
You know that feeling where you can't let go?
You know that feeling where you finally let go, and put it in a blog and move on to the new words you hope to say to someone one day...?
I know that feeling.
I think it's going to be an ok summer. Without you. And with everyone else.
-Alexa Starky
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Bully
I don't know if you all have heard about, or seen, the movie Bully. But if you haven't, you REALLY should! I bring this up because I've had my fair share of being bullied and harassed, which started this blog almost 2 years ago.
This movie opens eyes to the bully, the victim, the parents, the school boards, administrations, and every human being on this planet. There is not a day that goes by I don't think about this film. And I am the BIGGEST movie junkie and it takes a lot for me to really appreciate a film. And this one is on the top of my list.
It's the biggest motivation I have. Where one person, Lee Hirsch, can have the guts to put real life on camera and show people what is being sugar coated.
There is NO sugar coating in this blog. This is the one and only place I can truly speak my mind.
When someone asks me how I'm doing, all I say is fine...
When someone asks me on my blog how I'm doing, I'll tell you how I'm really doing. There is no censorship here. And there is no censoring that movie.
Lee Hirsch commented and liked a wall post I left on the bully facebook page,
https://www.facebook.com/bullymovie
and it just made my life. I really do aspire to be like him. I'm currently writing short stories based on my experiences. And I am free writing a story based on some of my life problems as well. Right now it's just venting and creativity and an escapism. Who knows what it can become.
I'm so thankful for this blog. I don't know where I'd be without it.... Before I started this blog I was crying every single day. I bottled everything so deep inside of myself I was ready to burst. I am lucky enough to have had a doctors appointment one day, and my doctor asked me to track what I do everyday and how I've been feeling. That lead me right here. And now, a year and 11 months later... look where we are.
To those who have been here since the beginning, there are no words to express the love I have for you. To the anonymous readers, the followers, the facebook friends, everyone.
Things are happening for me this summer... And I can't lie, I'm so excited.
Go check out the movie Bully.
"You're either a bully, bullied, or a by-standard."
Make a difference.
-Alexa Starky
This movie opens eyes to the bully, the victim, the parents, the school boards, administrations, and every human being on this planet. There is not a day that goes by I don't think about this film. And I am the BIGGEST movie junkie and it takes a lot for me to really appreciate a film. And this one is on the top of my list.
It's the biggest motivation I have. Where one person, Lee Hirsch, can have the guts to put real life on camera and show people what is being sugar coated.
There is NO sugar coating in this blog. This is the one and only place I can truly speak my mind.
When someone asks me how I'm doing, all I say is fine...
When someone asks me on my blog how I'm doing, I'll tell you how I'm really doing. There is no censorship here. And there is no censoring that movie.
Lee Hirsch commented and liked a wall post I left on the bully facebook page,
https://www.facebook.com/bullymovie
and it just made my life. I really do aspire to be like him. I'm currently writing short stories based on my experiences. And I am free writing a story based on some of my life problems as well. Right now it's just venting and creativity and an escapism. Who knows what it can become.
I'm so thankful for this blog. I don't know where I'd be without it.... Before I started this blog I was crying every single day. I bottled everything so deep inside of myself I was ready to burst. I am lucky enough to have had a doctors appointment one day, and my doctor asked me to track what I do everyday and how I've been feeling. That lead me right here. And now, a year and 11 months later... look where we are.
To those who have been here since the beginning, there are no words to express the love I have for you. To the anonymous readers, the followers, the facebook friends, everyone.
Things are happening for me this summer... And I can't lie, I'm so excited.
Go check out the movie Bully.
"You're either a bully, bullied, or a by-standard."
Make a difference.
-Alexa Starky
Sunday, May 6, 2012
anticipation...
Well I think it is easy to say that the wait is torture. July 1st couldn't be further away. And that is just when I can start this whole thing. Every single day feels extra long lately.
Im getting over him a lot more and have started developing feelings for someone else
.. But that also seems impossible and like a long shot. I figure its best to stay single until I have my lap band and everything will just get better over time. I think....
- Alexa starky
Im getting over him a lot more and have started developing feelings for someone else
.. But that also seems impossible and like a long shot. I figure its best to stay single until I have my lap band and everything will just get better over time. I think....
- Alexa starky
Thursday, May 3, 2012
April Showers Brought May Flowers..
In my last post, someone anonymously posted that April showers would bring May flowers.
TRUE STORY!
I got some good news....
I got a text message from my mom earlier this week saying that our new insurance covers the lap band.
So, when our insurance switches on July 1st I will be getting it. No question. I've wanted it for 3 years now, but didn't have 10,000 bucks to throw away. It is now covered, all we will owe is co-pays.
It will change my life and I couldn't be anymore excited for that.
The pain from my kidney stone I had earlier last month is gone, and my freshman year of college is coming to an end.
I fell madly in love with friends I made and hope to keep them close by forever. I'm sad it's ending but I'm excited to see what's happening next.
I couldn't be more excited for this lap band... I'm counting the days until our insurance changes.
Things are happening, and I'm so grateful I have you guys to be here along the way.
I adore my blog and my readers.
Stepping stones are turning into milestones, and I'm really, really excited.
Alexa Starky
TRUE STORY!
I got some good news....
I got a text message from my mom earlier this week saying that our new insurance covers the lap band.
So, when our insurance switches on July 1st I will be getting it. No question. I've wanted it for 3 years now, but didn't have 10,000 bucks to throw away. It is now covered, all we will owe is co-pays.
It will change my life and I couldn't be anymore excited for that.
The pain from my kidney stone I had earlier last month is gone, and my freshman year of college is coming to an end.
I fell madly in love with friends I made and hope to keep them close by forever. I'm sad it's ending but I'm excited to see what's happening next.
I couldn't be more excited for this lap band... I'm counting the days until our insurance changes.
Things are happening, and I'm so grateful I have you guys to be here along the way.
I adore my blog and my readers.
Stepping stones are turning into milestones, and I'm really, really excited.
Alexa Starky
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Dear April,
You have sucked. I can't really think of a single decent thing that has happened so far this month. It's sadly almost over, and it isn't looking like a good ending.
I have encountered many douche bags this month. Douche bags who think it's proper to call a girl cheep, and free. Douche bags who have dropped me off the face of the earth completely. Douche bags who don't even have the decency to say goodbye. It's just easier for them to lie to your face.
I have met one pretty awesome person. Too bad he is literally too awesome for me. It's hard to explain, and I shouldn't come to conclusions just yet. But as of now, just douche bags.
And what's up with the medical problems, April?! I never get sick! I mean yes, there was the sprained ankle of 2011, and the mono scare of 2010, but those were pretty much the big ones. I mean I have a lot of questions from blood work, and those are still being tested and up in the air, but this? Kidney stones? Bladder infections? And now an enlarged spleen to question even more. Now more tests will have to be done and who knows what's going to come of it. What's going on April?
And this whole college thing... For some reason April just chose to take it to a whole other level. It was always time consuming, but now, it's like there is always something. And for some odd reason, everything given to me is unclear.
I mean, there is my absolutely insane english teacher who no one believes exists! I have a whole research paper due Tuesday, still confused as to what she wants... I am on paragraph 1!
And my theater class... Yeah, it's sad but I am officially going to change my major on Monday. I just can't do this anymore. I mean, my writers block has been so terrible this month. I never have this problem, but it's getting to be too much.
I have group projects, speeches, evaluations, readings, trainings, exams, essays, objectives, and I'm just going over the edge! The medication doesn't really help, and I'm also just for the hell of it going to put some of the blame on my job. Because it's there too. And! I am trying to still have a social life... I mean, sue me if I just want to forget it all and go out now and then, April! If I didn't get out now and then, I'd be dead. Or just crying, a lot.
So in retrospect, the douche bags, the possibilities to find someone who isn't a douche bag, medical issues, college crap, and a job... April has sucked....
There is approximately a week and 2 days left of April.... I'm going to try to just cram everything in and get all the crap done in the next few days and just make it to May...
I mean, maybe April will just feel bad and do something really incredible to end the month. As an 'I'm sorry this month sucked' sort of thing... Maybe?...
If not... There's always May...
-Alexa Starky
I have encountered many douche bags this month. Douche bags who think it's proper to call a girl cheep, and free. Douche bags who have dropped me off the face of the earth completely. Douche bags who don't even have the decency to say goodbye. It's just easier for them to lie to your face.
I have met one pretty awesome person. Too bad he is literally too awesome for me. It's hard to explain, and I shouldn't come to conclusions just yet. But as of now, just douche bags.
And what's up with the medical problems, April?! I never get sick! I mean yes, there was the sprained ankle of 2011, and the mono scare of 2010, but those were pretty much the big ones. I mean I have a lot of questions from blood work, and those are still being tested and up in the air, but this? Kidney stones? Bladder infections? And now an enlarged spleen to question even more. Now more tests will have to be done and who knows what's going to come of it. What's going on April?
And this whole college thing... For some reason April just chose to take it to a whole other level. It was always time consuming, but now, it's like there is always something. And for some odd reason, everything given to me is unclear.
I mean, there is my absolutely insane english teacher who no one believes exists! I have a whole research paper due Tuesday, still confused as to what she wants... I am on paragraph 1!
And my theater class... Yeah, it's sad but I am officially going to change my major on Monday. I just can't do this anymore. I mean, my writers block has been so terrible this month. I never have this problem, but it's getting to be too much.
I have group projects, speeches, evaluations, readings, trainings, exams, essays, objectives, and I'm just going over the edge! The medication doesn't really help, and I'm also just for the hell of it going to put some of the blame on my job. Because it's there too. And! I am trying to still have a social life... I mean, sue me if I just want to forget it all and go out now and then, April! If I didn't get out now and then, I'd be dead. Or just crying, a lot.
So in retrospect, the douche bags, the possibilities to find someone who isn't a douche bag, medical issues, college crap, and a job... April has sucked....
There is approximately a week and 2 days left of April.... I'm going to try to just cram everything in and get all the crap done in the next few days and just make it to May...
I mean, maybe April will just feel bad and do something really incredible to end the month. As an 'I'm sorry this month sucked' sort of thing... Maybe?...
If not... There's always May...
-Alexa Starky
Friday, April 20, 2012
This is NOT my month.
1. I was in the emergency room at 2 in the morning on Wednesday for a kidney stone, UTI, and an enlarged spleen. I've been in pain for days, I am on lots of medication, and I just haven't been myself. I haven't been eating and have been exhausted. This stone isn't leaving my body and I just haven't had motivation to do anything.
2. School is kicking my ass. I mean, it was hard enough before the medical problems, but now I just don't want to do anything. Homework is piling up and I have no motivation or will to do any of it. It's just another problem and I don't want to solve it.
3. Guys suck... In the past month I have been used, called cheap, played, lied to, and I'm just over it. I just want that one guy who will treat me like a human being. I don't know what I did to deserve this... I try to my best to just be a nice girl, and if I care about a guy, I'll do anything for them. And it's frustrating that I just don't get the same in return. They make me believe that this is actually working out, then say something like 'I'll take anything that's free.' or 'I'm talking to my ex again.' or 'I don't want to lead you on.' Or they just delete me from everything without even having the decency to tell me...
What happened to relationships? What makes the bar so fucking high?
April has been nothing but problems.
I don't know if its just the oxycodone I'm on, or if its the constant pain I'm in, or just the frustration and pressure I'm under. Or maybe it's the constant low blows that make me feel worthless...
But I'm just a mess. And I really want to find peace in all this.
Why is this too much to ask?....
April is just not my month....
-Alexa Starky
2. School is kicking my ass. I mean, it was hard enough before the medical problems, but now I just don't want to do anything. Homework is piling up and I have no motivation or will to do any of it. It's just another problem and I don't want to solve it.
3. Guys suck... In the past month I have been used, called cheap, played, lied to, and I'm just over it. I just want that one guy who will treat me like a human being. I don't know what I did to deserve this... I try to my best to just be a nice girl, and if I care about a guy, I'll do anything for them. And it's frustrating that I just don't get the same in return. They make me believe that this is actually working out, then say something like 'I'll take anything that's free.' or 'I'm talking to my ex again.' or 'I don't want to lead you on.' Or they just delete me from everything without even having the decency to tell me...
What happened to relationships? What makes the bar so fucking high?
April has been nothing but problems.
I don't know if its just the oxycodone I'm on, or if its the constant pain I'm in, or just the frustration and pressure I'm under. Or maybe it's the constant low blows that make me feel worthless...
But I'm just a mess. And I really want to find peace in all this.
Why is this too much to ask?....
April is just not my month....
-Alexa Starky
Friday, April 13, 2012
I Think Too Much At Night
Well, it's officially passed 1 in the morning. Meaning I go into thinking mode.
Not only has this been a terrible week in itself, but it's also the last month of my freshman year of college...
I had food poisoning earlier in the week, so, that was an absolute hell hole in itself.
Then earlier today, we put my dog Reeses down... It was time for him to go. But I'm so sad and trying to stay so positive. But not having him around me is the strangest feeling. I know he is in a better place. RIP baby <3
And then, icing on this cake of the week, it's 1 A.M. and I'm thinking... I hate when I do this.
Not only am I missing my dog, getting over being sick, and all this crap, but I also am LOADED with homework. I have so much due this next week it's madness. And I just have no desire or motivation to do it.. Hopefully it will change tomorrow. This is a typical college student problem, so hopefully some can relate. Stop being hard, College!
But my head is just all over the place..
I think it's getting to a point where I'm tired of being patient... I know I only have a year or 2 left here, but I feel like I need to get away yet AGAIN! I'm frustrated with where I am that I always feel like I need to get away. This isn't a way to live... I'm hoping by the time I turn 20 (less than a year) I'll just know what I'm doing...
Someone inside me is telling me to stay acting. There is a hole in my stomach thinking about leaving it behind and changing my major. I STILL haven't gone to change my major... I'm a mess about it. A complete mess...
I've never felt so conflicted.
And the most frustrating part... The ONLY person I want to talk to about any of this, randomly abandoned me about a month ago. I still don't know where you are Steven, but I freaking think about you every single day... And I don't know what to do or why....
Why do the ones with the biggest hearts get the most beatings?
Something has to change....
- Alexa Starky
I will miss you everyday Reeses. My heart is broken and I will always keep you with me. I love you so much...
Not only has this been a terrible week in itself, but it's also the last month of my freshman year of college...
I had food poisoning earlier in the week, so, that was an absolute hell hole in itself.
Then earlier today, we put my dog Reeses down... It was time for him to go. But I'm so sad and trying to stay so positive. But not having him around me is the strangest feeling. I know he is in a better place. RIP baby <3
And then, icing on this cake of the week, it's 1 A.M. and I'm thinking... I hate when I do this.
Not only am I missing my dog, getting over being sick, and all this crap, but I also am LOADED with homework. I have so much due this next week it's madness. And I just have no desire or motivation to do it.. Hopefully it will change tomorrow. This is a typical college student problem, so hopefully some can relate. Stop being hard, College!
But my head is just all over the place..
I think it's getting to a point where I'm tired of being patient... I know I only have a year or 2 left here, but I feel like I need to get away yet AGAIN! I'm frustrated with where I am that I always feel like I need to get away. This isn't a way to live... I'm hoping by the time I turn 20 (less than a year) I'll just know what I'm doing...
Someone inside me is telling me to stay acting. There is a hole in my stomach thinking about leaving it behind and changing my major. I STILL haven't gone to change my major... I'm a mess about it. A complete mess...
I've never felt so conflicted.
And the most frustrating part... The ONLY person I want to talk to about any of this, randomly abandoned me about a month ago. I still don't know where you are Steven, but I freaking think about you every single day... And I don't know what to do or why....
Why do the ones with the biggest hearts get the most beatings?
Something has to change....
- Alexa Starky
I will miss you everyday Reeses. My heart is broken and I will always keep you with me. I love you so much...
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Curve Balls.
What's up with the curve balls lately?
I mean, normally everything is pretty straight forward and dead on, but not lately. I have been questioning everything lately! My head is in so many different directions. I go one way, over think it, then attempt another. I think I have everything so spot on, and then I don't.
I'm starting to really struggle with my major change. I haven't gone to change it yet because letting go of acting and theater is letting go of everything I've been for almost 10 years... And I'm afraid of what I will be without it. So I'm really frustrated with that lately.
And I'm really sick of feelings. They need to go away. I feel like I'm in the saying 'when one door closes another one opens.' but I'm facing my back to the open door and banging on the door that shut...
I'm really lost in myself and don't really know what I'm doing. I really just, want to be somewhere else, doing something else... Seeing something else.
Within the next week or two I'm making a hair appointment and changing my reflection... I need to see something new. I need something new.
I guess this is step one...
I'll figure it out.
I'm just tired of curve balls..
-Alexa Starky
I mean, normally everything is pretty straight forward and dead on, but not lately. I have been questioning everything lately! My head is in so many different directions. I go one way, over think it, then attempt another. I think I have everything so spot on, and then I don't.
I'm starting to really struggle with my major change. I haven't gone to change it yet because letting go of acting and theater is letting go of everything I've been for almost 10 years... And I'm afraid of what I will be without it. So I'm really frustrated with that lately.
And I'm really sick of feelings. They need to go away. I feel like I'm in the saying 'when one door closes another one opens.' but I'm facing my back to the open door and banging on the door that shut...
I'm really lost in myself and don't really know what I'm doing. I really just, want to be somewhere else, doing something else... Seeing something else.
Within the next week or two I'm making a hair appointment and changing my reflection... I need to see something new. I need something new.
I guess this is step one...
I'll figure it out.
I'm just tired of curve balls..
-Alexa Starky
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
For Elizabeth.
I'm doing a monodrama for my class.
What is a monodrama? It's a one person show based off of a dead person. You write your own 5 to 8 minute monologue like one act based off someone who has passed and tell a story about a moment in their life.
I'm going to be researching and doing Elizabeth Taylor. My teacher said it's perfect for me. I'm excited. However...
She is skinny. I want to be her in the best way I can.
Soooo.
I'm putting myself on a really strict diet and just working out as much as I can. I'm drinking water constantly and just cleansing. I want to lose as much as I possibly can by the end of April/Early May.
I'm just so sick of looking like this! I don't want to be all talk and no walk. Screw this.. Just going to get strict on myself. Here we go.
-Alexa Starky
What is a monodrama? It's a one person show based off of a dead person. You write your own 5 to 8 minute monologue like one act based off someone who has passed and tell a story about a moment in their life.
I'm going to be researching and doing Elizabeth Taylor. My teacher said it's perfect for me. I'm excited. However...
She is skinny. I want to be her in the best way I can.
Soooo.
I'm putting myself on a really strict diet and just working out as much as I can. I'm drinking water constantly and just cleansing. I want to lose as much as I possibly can by the end of April/Early May.
I'm just so sick of looking like this! I don't want to be all talk and no walk. Screw this.. Just going to get strict on myself. Here we go.
-Alexa Starky
Monday, April 2, 2012
Well I'm Home... Kind of.
I flew home last night. I literally haven't felt like this in a long time. That feeling of, I am home but I feel so homesick. I've been trying to get my homework done all night long, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm back in Phoenix again. I'm so confused as to what I want, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
I get frustrated every time I come back here from San Fransisco, and since it's been so long, it's even worse now.
I'm turning 20 this year, and I don't want to be sitting here anymore at 20... I really need to find somewhere that will make me happier than this. I'm so confused...
And I haven't had this pit in my stomach in years... and I'm kind of freaking out.
I don't know what to do...
-Alexa Starky
P.S. Steven... You probably won't read this, but I've been wondering where you've been for weeks. You haven't texted me, your facebook disappeared, and you dropped off the face of the earth. What the fuck dude? I HATE BOYS! Why can't just 1 be normal...?
I get frustrated every time I come back here from San Fransisco, and since it's been so long, it's even worse now.
I'm turning 20 this year, and I don't want to be sitting here anymore at 20... I really need to find somewhere that will make me happier than this. I'm so confused...
And I haven't had this pit in my stomach in years... and I'm kind of freaking out.
I don't know what to do...
-Alexa Starky
P.S. Steven... You probably won't read this, but I've been wondering where you've been for weeks. You haven't texted me, your facebook disappeared, and you dropped off the face of the earth. What the fuck dude? I HATE BOYS! Why can't just 1 be normal...?
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Out of 1 Box, and into Another.
Finally in Walnut Creek to visit Eian and his mom. I've been here a few days now, and I go home tomorrow.
It's been a weird, but really fun, trip.
I was talking to Eian about feelings and all that crap, and it's that I'm so comfortable here with him and his mom. This used to be my happiest place on earth. And then when it wasn't the same, I felt uncomfortable. I forgot that it's been over a year and a half since I've been here. It literally felt like no time had gone by. But it's crazy to see how much we've both grown up. I mean, we were together at 15 years old. I'm turning 20 this year... Time flew by but here it felt so still. It's a strange feeling...
It's definitely different, but it was an escape and they were insanely generous to let me into their home again.
Last night we were talking and we thought of a bunch of ways to wake up and smile. And I did.
See you tomorrow Phoenix.
Thanks Eian and Victoria. I needed this break. And I love you both.
-Alexa Starky
It's been a weird, but really fun, trip.
I was talking to Eian about feelings and all that crap, and it's that I'm so comfortable here with him and his mom. This used to be my happiest place on earth. And then when it wasn't the same, I felt uncomfortable. I forgot that it's been over a year and a half since I've been here. It literally felt like no time had gone by. But it's crazy to see how much we've both grown up. I mean, we were together at 15 years old. I'm turning 20 this year... Time flew by but here it felt so still. It's a strange feeling...
It's definitely different, but it was an escape and they were insanely generous to let me into their home again.
Last night we were talking and we thought of a bunch of ways to wake up and smile. And I did.
See you tomorrow Phoenix.
Thanks Eian and Victoria. I needed this break. And I love you both.
-Alexa Starky
Sunday, March 25, 2012
My Box.
Picture a box. A tiny little clear box. Then you force yourself into this tiny little box and lock it up.
That's basically how I've been this week.
Every single day is the same routine.
Go to school, go to work, do a ton of homework, sleep, wake up, then go to school.
Sitting in this box, not moving, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do.
I think it's gotten to the point where I've been sitting inside this box too long that I'm growing, pushing and forcing myself to lift the lid or break the sides. Crying all the time, not knowing why I'm still sitting inside this box when I'm clearly too big for this box.
I am so frustrated.
I'm just tired of doing the same thing every single day. Haven't felt many reasons to smile lately...
I'm just excited to get the fuck out of Arizona just for a weekend, and head to San Fransisco and see a past memory again.
I just need to forget everything, leave, and restart. I need to escape, so I'm grateful I have this chance.
Get me out of here.
Being a teenager is hard. Figuring your life out in a matter of years sucks.
I need to break free of this box. I need to expand and try new things and meet new people and feel reason to get up every single day.
That's basically how I've been this week.
Every single day is the same routine.
Go to school, go to work, do a ton of homework, sleep, wake up, then go to school.
Sitting in this box, not moving, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do.
I think it's gotten to the point where I've been sitting inside this box too long that I'm growing, pushing and forcing myself to lift the lid or break the sides. Crying all the time, not knowing why I'm still sitting inside this box when I'm clearly too big for this box.
I am so frustrated.
I'm just tired of doing the same thing every single day. Haven't felt many reasons to smile lately...
I'm just excited to get the fuck out of Arizona just for a weekend, and head to San Fransisco and see a past memory again.
I just need to forget everything, leave, and restart. I need to escape, so I'm grateful I have this chance.
Get me out of here.
Being a teenager is hard. Figuring your life out in a matter of years sucks.
I need to break free of this box. I need to expand and try new things and meet new people and feel reason to get up every single day.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Old Me is Dead and Gone, Dead and Gone.
I've been traveling on this road to long, trying to find my way back home. The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.
I was listening to this song earlier on the week. It got me thinking a lot about what I'm doing right now, and where I thought I would be right now. My whole life I was a dreamer, thinking I would make it big one day. Be that star overweight girls can look up to. Make a difference in this world by being heard for the first time in my life.
I always wanted that.
What I didn't realize was that I'm being heard already. I've been writing for almost 2 years. I have a voice and I've used it already. The whole world can't hear me, no. But this is slowly becoming enough for me.
I've been trying to find myself and what I wanted to be for so long. I've wanted to be a movie star, a singer, a director, a make up artist, a hair stylist, a marine biologist, all of this stuff! But I woke up the other day, and I just started crying...
I cried because I was tired of being alive. I was tired of living a pointless life every single day where I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was. So I sat in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling and talking to myself. Who was I and who did I want to be?
I started thinking about my love for acting, which is my current major. I know I love it, but I am also supposed to have 2 contrasting monologues done and ready to go by Tuesday and I've barely looked at them. That is when I knew, my passion was dying...
I cried even more, realizing that the ONLY thing I know was something I didn't want to keep going at. So I thought even more about what could possibly be in my heart that would make me want to get up every morning.
Teach.
I've decided to see my councilor later in the week and see if I can change my major to a liberal arts and get my 2 year degree. Then as a junior I will head to ASU and get my secondary education in English major. I want to teach high school English. Maybe even at my old high school.
I guess I have theater to thank for all this. It is a scary business, and very difficult to get into. I've been lucky enough to have met my best friends, some incredible mentors, and been involved in amazing work. It taught me to move past the stereotype as well as embrace it. It showed me that I'm stronger than I think I am. I have more leadership in me than I thought. And I do have a talent. But I can use it elsewhere.
I don't need the fancy cars, the millions of dollars, or millions of people to know who I am. I want to make a difference, so I will make a difference in a classroom. While I'm changing my major and taking these classes and getting out of community college, I will be working out and taking major care of myself. To look my absolute best at the most well known party school in the United States.
Things are changing for me. Reality struck a chord and I'm moving on.
Give me your thoughts. What are your dreams? Comment and tell me what you believe your purpose is. I'm curious. You read what I have to say, I want to read about yours.
Thank you readers for all your support.
This is a big leap for me. One dream gone, a new one begins.
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
I was listening to this song earlier on the week. It got me thinking a lot about what I'm doing right now, and where I thought I would be right now. My whole life I was a dreamer, thinking I would make it big one day. Be that star overweight girls can look up to. Make a difference in this world by being heard for the first time in my life.
I always wanted that.
What I didn't realize was that I'm being heard already. I've been writing for almost 2 years. I have a voice and I've used it already. The whole world can't hear me, no. But this is slowly becoming enough for me.
I've been trying to find myself and what I wanted to be for so long. I've wanted to be a movie star, a singer, a director, a make up artist, a hair stylist, a marine biologist, all of this stuff! But I woke up the other day, and I just started crying...
I cried because I was tired of being alive. I was tired of living a pointless life every single day where I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was. So I sat in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling and talking to myself. Who was I and who did I want to be?
I started thinking about my love for acting, which is my current major. I know I love it, but I am also supposed to have 2 contrasting monologues done and ready to go by Tuesday and I've barely looked at them. That is when I knew, my passion was dying...
I cried even more, realizing that the ONLY thing I know was something I didn't want to keep going at. So I thought even more about what could possibly be in my heart that would make me want to get up every morning.
Teach.
I've decided to see my councilor later in the week and see if I can change my major to a liberal arts and get my 2 year degree. Then as a junior I will head to ASU and get my secondary education in English major. I want to teach high school English. Maybe even at my old high school.
I guess I have theater to thank for all this. It is a scary business, and very difficult to get into. I've been lucky enough to have met my best friends, some incredible mentors, and been involved in amazing work. It taught me to move past the stereotype as well as embrace it. It showed me that I'm stronger than I think I am. I have more leadership in me than I thought. And I do have a talent. But I can use it elsewhere.
I don't need the fancy cars, the millions of dollars, or millions of people to know who I am. I want to make a difference, so I will make a difference in a classroom. While I'm changing my major and taking these classes and getting out of community college, I will be working out and taking major care of myself. To look my absolute best at the most well known party school in the United States.
Things are changing for me. Reality struck a chord and I'm moving on.
Give me your thoughts. What are your dreams? Comment and tell me what you believe your purpose is. I'm curious. You read what I have to say, I want to read about yours.
Thank you readers for all your support.
This is a big leap for me. One dream gone, a new one begins.
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Bipolar Spring Break
This has been the most bipolar spring break I've ever encountered. It is almost over and so much has happened! Lets talk about it shall we!
- My mom has been out of town on a cruise and my dad met up with her in Florida. So, my sister and I were alone for the beginning of my break. I was lucky enough to have gas, money, and the company of my crazy sister and best friend Joy to make it alright. I ate too much, I spent tons of money on pointless stuff or food, and I fell asleep at 4 in the morning far too often for no reason.
- I worked a lot more than usual, I got ugly looks from some managers, I got some smiles, I had my laughs, it was just work.
- When my parents came home we all talked about their trip and what not. It was nice to have everything back to normal. But when they asked me about how I'm doing, the answer was simply 'eh.' Eh?! Eh is not a good answer, by the way.
- So it got me thinking about one thing, then another, and another, up until the point of tears. Contemplating everything from my weight, my major, my college, and just live in general. I got unhappy in a matter of hours, even after having such a fun week full of stuff.
- So, I did the only thing I could do at a time like that. Sit on the floor curled up in a ball crying to my mother. I admitted that I don't really know what I'm doing, and I just don't feel excitement anymore, and I just want to get the hell out of Phoenix, Arizona.
- My mom did something incredible. As I sat there crying my little eyes out, my mom said "Go somewhere! Go to L.A. and take a drive. Go to a beach, just relax and think!" She started looking up hotels for me when I said ... I want to see Eian...
- I don't know if you readers remember Eian. But he was my boyfriend in high school who lived in San Fransisco. We are really great friends and I had always felt at home there, and it was the only place I wanted to be. So, my mom hopped onto south west airlines and bought me a ticket to California on march 29th. 2 weeks from today.
- Today was MUCH better. I finally have something to look forward to, I went to a baseball game with Joy (Cubs lost), we went and played bingo (I lost) and tomorrow we are seeing 21 Jumpstreet.
- Do I want to go back to school, hell no! But this spring break was definitely crazy, and needs an ending. I'm going to try to lose more weight before my trip, and just figure everything out.
Goodbye spring break 2012. It was interesting.
- Alexa Starky
- My mom has been out of town on a cruise and my dad met up with her in Florida. So, my sister and I were alone for the beginning of my break. I was lucky enough to have gas, money, and the company of my crazy sister and best friend Joy to make it alright. I ate too much, I spent tons of money on pointless stuff or food, and I fell asleep at 4 in the morning far too often for no reason.
- I worked a lot more than usual, I got ugly looks from some managers, I got some smiles, I had my laughs, it was just work.
- When my parents came home we all talked about their trip and what not. It was nice to have everything back to normal. But when they asked me about how I'm doing, the answer was simply 'eh.' Eh?! Eh is not a good answer, by the way.
- So it got me thinking about one thing, then another, and another, up until the point of tears. Contemplating everything from my weight, my major, my college, and just live in general. I got unhappy in a matter of hours, even after having such a fun week full of stuff.
- So, I did the only thing I could do at a time like that. Sit on the floor curled up in a ball crying to my mother. I admitted that I don't really know what I'm doing, and I just don't feel excitement anymore, and I just want to get the hell out of Phoenix, Arizona.
- My mom did something incredible. As I sat there crying my little eyes out, my mom said "Go somewhere! Go to L.A. and take a drive. Go to a beach, just relax and think!" She started looking up hotels for me when I said ... I want to see Eian...
- I don't know if you readers remember Eian. But he was my boyfriend in high school who lived in San Fransisco. We are really great friends and I had always felt at home there, and it was the only place I wanted to be. So, my mom hopped onto south west airlines and bought me a ticket to California on march 29th. 2 weeks from today.
- Today was MUCH better. I finally have something to look forward to, I went to a baseball game with Joy (Cubs lost), we went and played bingo (I lost) and tomorrow we are seeing 21 Jumpstreet.
- Do I want to go back to school, hell no! But this spring break was definitely crazy, and needs an ending. I'm going to try to lose more weight before my trip, and just figure everything out.
Goodbye spring break 2012. It was interesting.
- Alexa Starky
Monday, March 5, 2012
I Couldn't Stay Away From My One True Love.
I couldn't. Every single day I think of this blog and how therapeutic it is for me.
February was easily the worst month of my life. It has so many down falls and my head and heart shattered. I wasn't myself and I just wanted to hide from everyone.
I guess sometimes things are meant to be... I was supposed to learn from the hell February brought to me. I was supposed to stop writing to realize how much this means to me.
I was supposed to meet my friend Steven. That tattle tale made me realize a lot, who knows where my head would be if it weren't for him. I have some incredible friends. Joy was there for me through everything. I'm always grateful for Josiah and Brady for staying on the phone with me through my tear-fests. I'm always laughing with Patrick, my number one blog supporter.
I have a family who will be here for me through ANYTHING! Despite how quiet I am about some problems, they know how to get it out of me and help me get through the hardship.
School is SO hard right now, but my incredible job realized my plummeting spirit and gave me less hours. So it's less of a struggle.
But this blog. This is a part of me. And I can't just let it go that easily. I've been in this new relationship with myself for 2 and a half years, and I'm madly in love.
It will get better. It always does. And it already has.
-Alexa Starky
February was easily the worst month of my life. It has so many down falls and my head and heart shattered. I wasn't myself and I just wanted to hide from everyone.
I guess sometimes things are meant to be... I was supposed to learn from the hell February brought to me. I was supposed to stop writing to realize how much this means to me.
I was supposed to meet my friend Steven. That tattle tale made me realize a lot, who knows where my head would be if it weren't for him. I have some incredible friends. Joy was there for me through everything. I'm always grateful for Josiah and Brady for staying on the phone with me through my tear-fests. I'm always laughing with Patrick, my number one blog supporter.
I have a family who will be here for me through ANYTHING! Despite how quiet I am about some problems, they know how to get it out of me and help me get through the hardship.
School is SO hard right now, but my incredible job realized my plummeting spirit and gave me less hours. So it's less of a struggle.
But this blog. This is a part of me. And I can't just let it go that easily. I've been in this new relationship with myself for 2 and a half years, and I'm madly in love.
It will get better. It always does. And it already has.
-Alexa Starky
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Goodbye blog...?
I think this is the end...
I'm not getting anywhere. I'm packed with shit. Pointless shit and I'm just not motivated anymore...
Everything is going wrong...
And I think this is goodbye...
Every single day has been a secret struggle to keep going.. I wake up angry, I go to bed crying, I get maybe 2 hours of sleep.
School pressure, work pressure, and pressure on myself is becoming unbearable.
I can't take the fake smiles anymore...
So. I'm going to take some time before I delete the blog for good, see if it maybe gets better. But, it's only getting worse.
I hate giving up...
But I'm losing faith in myself.
The support has been amazing. But when you stop listening to yourself, it's just time to let it go...
always and forever, learning as I go...
I'm not getting anywhere. I'm packed with shit. Pointless shit and I'm just not motivated anymore...
Everything is going wrong...
And I think this is goodbye...
Every single day has been a secret struggle to keep going.. I wake up angry, I go to bed crying, I get maybe 2 hours of sleep.
School pressure, work pressure, and pressure on myself is becoming unbearable.
I can't take the fake smiles anymore...
So. I'm going to take some time before I delete the blog for good, see if it maybe gets better. But, it's only getting worse.
I hate giving up...
But I'm losing faith in myself.
The support has been amazing. But when you stop listening to yourself, it's just time to let it go...
always and forever, learning as I go...
Monday, February 20, 2012
It's the terror of knowing what this world is about...
I'm very frustrated...
There is too much put on my plate right now.
Work this week has put a lot on me. Work has gotten me so behind on homework, which then makes school unenjoyable. I haven't been able to go to the gym because if I ever have an ounce of free time, there is something covering it. Every single time I sit down with nothing to do (or not wanting to do anything) I just cry...
I'm crying right now...
I think it's easy to say that so far this is the hardest year of my life... And it's only February...
I'm just getting really tired of the pressure. I'm really sick of putting on a fake smile. Lately, they are all fake. I'm saying things I don't feel... I'm pretending all the time. And I just don't know what to do...
There is too much put on my plate right now.
Work this week has put a lot on me. Work has gotten me so behind on homework, which then makes school unenjoyable. I haven't been able to go to the gym because if I ever have an ounce of free time, there is something covering it. Every single time I sit down with nothing to do (or not wanting to do anything) I just cry...
I'm crying right now...
I think it's easy to say that so far this is the hardest year of my life... And it's only February...
I'm just getting really tired of the pressure. I'm really sick of putting on a fake smile. Lately, they are all fake. I'm saying things I don't feel... I'm pretending all the time. And I just don't know what to do...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Meisner Technique Scare
In my incredible theater class, we are learning the Meisner technique. Fascinating technique may I add. You have to clear your mind and state the truth about the person in front of you, all this nonsense that we are all afraid of. Well. It was my turn to go up today. And it was going well.
Then Doug had to ask me a question and my job was to repeat the question with the answer within the subtext, make sense? I asked him a TOTALLY stupid question, being "Do you like going to the dentist?" Lame question, I know. First thing that popped into my head. When it was his turn to ask me, I wasn't expecting what he asked.
"Do you like yourself?"
I honestly don't remember how I responded. I was just shocked he asked me that. I know we are supposed to get deep, but, I was the first deep moment of the day. And I didn't know how to react. But I did. And my dear friend Jason said how real it was.
But it got me thinking... Do I?
I think I'm always caught up in this image that I'm supposed to become that I don't even know if I like myself as I am. I was never confident about my look, ever. And this was the first time, in front of people I'm usually happy around, that I was punched with an intense question like this. Of course, he read my like a book when he had to talk about how I responded when I repeated the question.
So, I guess I really need to figure this out for myself.
Do I like myself?
All I do know, is I'm madly in love with that class.
Thank you Doug. Thank you Meisner.
Then Doug had to ask me a question and my job was to repeat the question with the answer within the subtext, make sense? I asked him a TOTALLY stupid question, being "Do you like going to the dentist?" Lame question, I know. First thing that popped into my head. When it was his turn to ask me, I wasn't expecting what he asked.
"Do you like yourself?"
I honestly don't remember how I responded. I was just shocked he asked me that. I know we are supposed to get deep, but, I was the first deep moment of the day. And I didn't know how to react. But I did. And my dear friend Jason said how real it was.
But it got me thinking... Do I?
I think I'm always caught up in this image that I'm supposed to become that I don't even know if I like myself as I am. I was never confident about my look, ever. And this was the first time, in front of people I'm usually happy around, that I was punched with an intense question like this. Of course, he read my like a book when he had to talk about how I responded when I repeated the question.
So, I guess I really need to figure this out for myself.
Do I like myself?
All I do know, is I'm madly in love with that class.
Thank you Doug. Thank you Meisner.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Public Speaking
This. Class. ROCKS!
It reminds me a lot of my English 101 class last semester. So many different people, but such an incredibly atmosphere. Today we had to do a "Three Object Speech." Meaning, we had to take 3 objects and metaphorically connect them to 3 important things in our lives.
My first was family, then theater, and then of course, this blog.
It's incredible what 4 minutes and 3 objects can say about a person. I fell in love with that class today. I don't think there was a second where I wasn't smiling. Everyone is so unique and we all shared some amazing stories.
There were tears, shakes, and laughs, and I love that class.
My incredibly fabulous gay teacher is one of the coolest guys I have ever met. He is so comfortable in his skin and you can tell with just the way he talks.
We have the 2 army veterans who I have become good friends with. The single moms, the fire fighters, the musicians, the animal lovers, the politicians, and so much more.
I am definitely putting my heart and soul into this class. It's probably one of the few classes that will really benefit me. I may be an actress, but talking in front of a class still scares me shitless.
I was so pleased with the outcome of my speech, I even got a hug in the parking lot. I'm so grateful for being able to share my story and my struggles. And I still can't believe I'm still writing today and how far I've come.
It's going to be a great semester.
-Alexa Starky
It reminds me a lot of my English 101 class last semester. So many different people, but such an incredibly atmosphere. Today we had to do a "Three Object Speech." Meaning, we had to take 3 objects and metaphorically connect them to 3 important things in our lives.
My first was family, then theater, and then of course, this blog.
It's incredible what 4 minutes and 3 objects can say about a person. I fell in love with that class today. I don't think there was a second where I wasn't smiling. Everyone is so unique and we all shared some amazing stories.
There were tears, shakes, and laughs, and I love that class.
My incredibly fabulous gay teacher is one of the coolest guys I have ever met. He is so comfortable in his skin and you can tell with just the way he talks.
We have the 2 army veterans who I have become good friends with. The single moms, the fire fighters, the musicians, the animal lovers, the politicians, and so much more.
I am definitely putting my heart and soul into this class. It's probably one of the few classes that will really benefit me. I may be an actress, but talking in front of a class still scares me shitless.
I was so pleased with the outcome of my speech, I even got a hug in the parking lot. I'm so grateful for being able to share my story and my struggles. And I still can't believe I'm still writing today and how far I've come.
It's going to be a great semester.
-Alexa Starky
Friday, January 27, 2012
Lily & Marshall.
.I've grown to absolutely love the show How I Met Your Mother. It's incredibly smart and it cracks me up. I watch it everyday.
It's about one of the main characters, Ted, telling his kids the whole story about how he met their mother. And he has his 2 best friends, Lily and Marshall.
They are each others soul mate. They make each other so happy. Everything they do, they do it for each other, and it's so cute.
I want a Lily and Marshall relationship one day. I'm always asking myself "what did today mean? Why did this happen? What will this bring up later?" I think the universe works in crazy ways and it brings people together and breaks people apart for a reason.
It's been a really insane 2 years. A lot of feelings come and go. There are smiles and break downs.
(I'm about to curse, Mom)
I think this all happens for a reason, the scary part is that we have no fucking idea why it's happening. And we have absolutely no idea when we will find out.
I'm working to make myself stronger and more independent. I'm working on finding myself and figuring out where I'm going. But it's so hard to really know. And I'm scared.
I guess I'm just hoping for that Lily and Marshall relationship one day, where it all kind of molds together and nothing else matters. Everything happening now will be worth it that one day. I have no idea when it's coming. It could be tomorrow, next year, 5 years, even 10 years.
I have no idea...
I just have to keep living the way I am, bring new people in, and maybe let some people go.
-Alexa Starky
It's about one of the main characters, Ted, telling his kids the whole story about how he met their mother. And he has his 2 best friends, Lily and Marshall.
They are each others soul mate. They make each other so happy. Everything they do, they do it for each other, and it's so cute.
I want a Lily and Marshall relationship one day. I'm always asking myself "what did today mean? Why did this happen? What will this bring up later?" I think the universe works in crazy ways and it brings people together and breaks people apart for a reason.
It's been a really insane 2 years. A lot of feelings come and go. There are smiles and break downs.
(I'm about to curse, Mom)
I think this all happens for a reason, the scary part is that we have no fucking idea why it's happening. And we have absolutely no idea when we will find out.
I'm working to make myself stronger and more independent. I'm working on finding myself and figuring out where I'm going. But it's so hard to really know. And I'm scared.
I guess I'm just hoping for that Lily and Marshall relationship one day, where it all kind of molds together and nothing else matters. Everything happening now will be worth it that one day. I have no idea when it's coming. It could be tomorrow, next year, 5 years, even 10 years.
I have no idea...
I just have to keep living the way I am, bring new people in, and maybe let some people go.
-Alexa Starky
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I Can't Sleep.
It's 1:30 in the morning and I have school tomorrow.
Oh well.
I lost 5 pounds this week. This no wheat/weight watchers/working out thing is working really well. I feel a lot better in my body.
I'm liking school, but there is a ton of work already, and the homework is already piled. But, I think I've officially fallen back in love with acting. I've absorbed all the passion again and I'm in it 100%.
I'm getting to know a lot of incredible human beings. I'm really grateful for where I am right now.
But, with working too many hours, not getting enough sleep (as seen tonight), and all the homework, I think I'm going crazy.
I'm at work pulling my hair out, I'm in class barely understanding, I think the only place where I find complete euphoria and serendipity, is my acting class. I find my old self in there. And it's a place where I can learn and morph myself and create. It's good having passion again.
I almost forgot what it was like.
It's crazy what the wheat and gluten did to me. I can definitely feel a change in myself since I let it out of my system. It sucks losing so many food options, but I'm surviving.
I guess sleep should be on the list tonight. This was just a small update.
It's all definitely getting somewhere, and it's definitely worth it.
As for boy update: still standing strong and alone. I'm happy, but still really confused as to feelings and what's going on in my head and my heart. It's clearly not my number one issue or thought right now. I'm just seeing where it all takes me. Who knows. :)
-Alexa Starky
Oh well.
I lost 5 pounds this week. This no wheat/weight watchers/working out thing is working really well. I feel a lot better in my body.
I'm liking school, but there is a ton of work already, and the homework is already piled. But, I think I've officially fallen back in love with acting. I've absorbed all the passion again and I'm in it 100%.
I'm getting to know a lot of incredible human beings. I'm really grateful for where I am right now.
But, with working too many hours, not getting enough sleep (as seen tonight), and all the homework, I think I'm going crazy.
I'm at work pulling my hair out, I'm in class barely understanding, I think the only place where I find complete euphoria and serendipity, is my acting class. I find my old self in there. And it's a place where I can learn and morph myself and create. It's good having passion again.
I almost forgot what it was like.
It's crazy what the wheat and gluten did to me. I can definitely feel a change in myself since I let it out of my system. It sucks losing so many food options, but I'm surviving.
I guess sleep should be on the list tonight. This was just a small update.
It's all definitely getting somewhere, and it's definitely worth it.
As for boy update: still standing strong and alone. I'm happy, but still really confused as to feelings and what's going on in my head and my heart. It's clearly not my number one issue or thought right now. I'm just seeing where it all takes me. Who knows. :)
-Alexa Starky
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Sure I want that, but I want this more.
Sure I want a thin, sexy body fast, but I want the satisfaction and pride more.
Sure I want fame and fortune, but I want to be remembered for doing something amazing more.
Sure I want a man to sweep me off my feet, but I want to prove to myself that I can stand alone.
Sure I want the man of my dreams, but I want to fulfill my own dreams more.
Sure I want to show him off everyday, but I want to show off and work it myself more.
Sure I want life to be easier, but I want the challenge more.
Sure I want the relationship every girl dreams of and envies, but I want that relationship with myself more.
Sure I want to have that dependence on someone, but I want to be independent more.
Sure I want the love notes and sweetness, but I want to know it without it being told to me.
Sure I want to know, but I want to believe more.
Sure I want to be told I'm beautiful everyday, but I want to know and believe that I'm beautiful myself more.
I want a lot of things. I want the guy, but, I have him. He's funny, kind, sweet, so cute, and smart. But the best part, is he is independent. He knows what he wants, and I want that. I mean, he likes me :) And I like him.
Now it's time for me to love myself.
I dedicate this blog to him. He doesn't know it, but he opened my eyes to what I need more.
Love yourself. Know your limits. And just enjoy the ride.
Thank you.
-Alexa Starky
Sure I want fame and fortune, but I want to be remembered for doing something amazing more.
Sure I want a man to sweep me off my feet, but I want to prove to myself that I can stand alone.
Sure I want the man of my dreams, but I want to fulfill my own dreams more.
Sure I want to show him off everyday, but I want to show off and work it myself more.
Sure I want life to be easier, but I want the challenge more.
Sure I want the relationship every girl dreams of and envies, but I want that relationship with myself more.
Sure I want to have that dependence on someone, but I want to be independent more.
Sure I want the love notes and sweetness, but I want to know it without it being told to me.
Sure I want to know, but I want to believe more.
Sure I want to be told I'm beautiful everyday, but I want to know and believe that I'm beautiful myself more.
I want a lot of things. I want the guy, but, I have him. He's funny, kind, sweet, so cute, and smart. But the best part, is he is independent. He knows what he wants, and I want that. I mean, he likes me :) And I like him.
Now it's time for me to love myself.
I dedicate this blog to him. He doesn't know it, but he opened my eyes to what I need more.
Love yourself. Know your limits. And just enjoy the ride.
Thank you.
-Alexa Starky
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I'm so happy!
My first day of the second semester was amazing.
My 102 English class has some really awesome people in it. And you can already tell how passionate the teacher is.
And of course it was weird walking into my acting class without all of the people that I love in there. Myself and the 3 others from last semester felt very lost. BUT, for the first time... I didn't feel like the freak in the class. I got to open up and we got to talk and they are all awesome people and I'm really excited for more memories and make more friends.
It's cool telling my story and letting people in. I should do it more often.
It's going to be incredible.
I'm not as excited for tomorrow but we will see. I mean, what can be fun about computer class and public speaking?
I just couldn't believe I sat there and didn't feel like the freak in the class. I'm always the bigger one, the quieter one, no one gets to really meet me. But, this felt like a big improvement for me.
Lately it's all work and not much play, so I'm glad I will be able to play and explore in theater again. I work everyday this week, I'm going to the gym, and now I have school.
Also, I'm gluten free. No more breads. It's bad for me, I'm allergic, that's it.
I'm so happy and this semester should be good for me :)
Here's to more weight loss, creation, happiness, and ambition.
-Alexa Starky
My 102 English class has some really awesome people in it. And you can already tell how passionate the teacher is.
And of course it was weird walking into my acting class without all of the people that I love in there. Myself and the 3 others from last semester felt very lost. BUT, for the first time... I didn't feel like the freak in the class. I got to open up and we got to talk and they are all awesome people and I'm really excited for more memories and make more friends.
It's cool telling my story and letting people in. I should do it more often.
It's going to be incredible.
I'm not as excited for tomorrow but we will see. I mean, what can be fun about computer class and public speaking?
I just couldn't believe I sat there and didn't feel like the freak in the class. I'm always the bigger one, the quieter one, no one gets to really meet me. But, this felt like a big improvement for me.
Lately it's all work and not much play, so I'm glad I will be able to play and explore in theater again. I work everyday this week, I'm going to the gym, and now I have school.
Also, I'm gluten free. No more breads. It's bad for me, I'm allergic, that's it.
I'm so happy and this semester should be good for me :)
Here's to more weight loss, creation, happiness, and ambition.
-Alexa Starky
Thursday, January 12, 2012
2012 update.
Hey everyone.
Still haven't gotten my computer fixed. But, that I'm not worrying about. It's fixing me that I'm focused on.
So here is my list of what's been going on, and what is my grand 2012 plan.
- Sad to say Ballys got bought out by LAfitness. So, I'm now like everyone else, and a member of them. RIP Ballys. It's been a fun 2 years. Been to the gym a lot more lately. Finding the real pain in weight lifting. It's a pain, but worth it.
- I went to my 1st W.W. (Weight Watchers) meeting yesterday. It's time for a new start and a new mental habit. And I really believe this can work for me.
- I haven't felt comfortable in my skin lately. So I'm hoping this month will boost a lot of that love for myself back into gear. It's been a hard last few months of 2011. I'm ready to fix it.
- I'm 100% single. I need to focus on myself, and I couldn't do that with where I was at. I was frustrated and stressed about things that shouldn't be stressed. My focus is me and only me. But we will see where that little path goes in 2012. Who knows.
- The 2nd semester starts next week. I'm not as excited because I grew so in love with my other classes. But I'm excited to create new memories and experience something new.
-Hopefully my dad isn't reading this. ;) Because, this year, I'm going to try and get my first tattoo. I literally think about it every single day. I know exactly what I want, where I want it, and I've known for over a year now. I want to get it by May if not before then.
- I've changed my mindset, made sacrifices, and put my focus on bigger and better things. And my goal is to succeed and create a better me. I think this is the year.
I love you all so much.
My readers for almost 2 years now! It's crazy how far we've come.
- Alexa Starky
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I'M BACK!
I signed up for Weight Watchers yesterday.
Yes, those stupid commercials work.
It's a new year darn it!
It's crazy that a year ago I was writing all about my experiences with Weight Watchers. All the successes and struggles. And now it's take 2.
Lets see what I can do for myself. Because I'm so ready and so motivated.
I'm in this for the long run. I'm in it alone. And I'm ready to change.
YAY!
p.s. My computer broke, which is why I haven't been writing or posting videos. But I will have it fixed and it's on baby!
I love you all so much!
Learningasigo, take 2.
-Alexa Starky
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