I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. I just sit and stare at the dark ceiling all night until I finally pass out. My dreams are strange and complicated, but I remember every detail of them lately. I wake up confused and quite frankly sad, because my dreams are more exciting than my life right now.
I am going through a strange time. I am not where I thought I would be. And it's sad that everything I went through, led me to this spot right now.
Thinking about my surgery I will undergo, both excites me, and depresses the hell out of me. Who wants to cut their stomach out at 20 years old??? Who is that desperate? All my life I was overweight, and all my life I was bullied for it.
When I was in 4th grade, a kid told me I shook the bus....
Freshman year I walked into a McDonalds and kids from my school loudly coughed 'fat' as I walked by.
All my life I felt different and ugly... Guys say that girls are stupid and naive because we call them jerks. Well honestly, I'll stop calling you jerks when you stop staring at me like I'm the elephant in the room... literally.
I can't even walk into a sushi restaurant in Scottsdale because I feel like I'm literally drowning in beautiful people. I feel... so ugly. And as much as my friends and family tell me otherwise, how can you not believe what you've heard from people all your life? When social media and society is telling you RIGHT TO YOUR FACE that you aren't good enough, and don't fit in, how are you supposed to feel? It's like being rejected by your entire society...
I didn't want to be here. I have tried everything in my power to lose this weight... I've done everything! Weight Watchers, miracle pills, working out everyday, vegetable diets, protein diets, liquid diets, no eating diets, throwing your food up diet....
I feel like a failure...
I didn't want to be here.... I don't want to be me...
I act happy with my friends, and sometimes I really am happy. But, I am really good at hiding my feelings and really good at faking a smile.
I am taking medication for this depression, and I am depressed about that! It is a never ending circle and I can't stop going around and around and around and I feel like there is no end and it is killing me and exhausting me and all I ever want to do is give up because nothing is working!
After all of this venting, I hope it proves how anxious and excited I am to get surgery. Firstly, to help with my medical problems... But to finally feel that looking at myself won't be such a chore. I need this...
And I just need my friends to be patient with me... Because I'm not myself. And if you're reading this, PLEASE, all I ask is to just help me enjoy my time right now. Help me laugh and enjoy myself, because I'm not doing much of that anymore.
That would mean everything to me right now.
This post is to let it all out. Just let everyone see what they wanted to hear out of me. I don't want to talk about it outside of my blog. I just want my friends to read this and know that I am crying like crazy writing this at 3 on a Wednesday morning.
If you're reading this, seriously thank you. This is such a hard time for me. And it's been a tough and heartbreaking year. And I REALLY do think that the end of this year will change completely and things will turn around. Having my friends, family, and my therapist is everything to me. I don't know where I would be... I honestly don't think I could handle being on this earth without any of you.
All I ask is that, when you see someone who maybe doesn't look so happy or is simply different... Do something to make their day. You don't know what is happening in their life, and a simple smile or compliment makes their whole world. I know that's what happens to me.
This will probably be my last blog until surgery details come about. It's hard to express these emotions and face the fact that someone is reading it... But that's what I made this blog for. To express the words I would never dare say out loud.
Thanks for reading this... Comment below and I'll gladly respond.
I just can't wait to be different....
-Alexa.
I don't know what you've been through all your life, but I've been bullied too about my weight. It's not fun. It hurts. You sum it up really well.
ReplyDeleteI really hope this works out for you and I'm here for you whenever and whatever for.
I love you. So freakin' much. Even though I didn't know you for a long period of time, we connected so well.
I love you, doll. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to. <3
Oh my Dear Alexa, I love you so very much.
ReplyDeleteI know you will take this with a grain of salt because I am your friend and you already know I think this, however, you are, in fact, an incredible human being and you are very much loved. You brighten people's day when you are around them and you have a luminescent personality. I think you are beautiful inside and out.
I am hurt that you could not talk to me about something like this, though, I do realize that this is a difficult topic for you to discuss with anyone, and I, regrettably, have not been around much lately. I want you to know that this will change and that no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, you are still one of my best friends and I will always be here for you whether you need me or not.
It saddens me that you have not only gone through this, but have gone through it alone.....well relatively. It's okay to be sad around your friends. I understand that you just want to have fun and enjoy yourself when you hang out, so you put on an act, but you need to let me know when you are sad, so I can cheer you up. Making people feel better is what I do. Let me do it! ;) Next time we hang out I want you to be honest with me. I love you very much and I just want you to be happy.
Now I want you to listen to me very carefully; if and when you ever want to talk about this, I will be here. I may be in the health field, but I promise not to preach. We'll only talk about what you want to discuss. But again, I will not bring anything up until you say you are ready.
Alexa Straky, you amazing women you, I love you, I adore you, and I will do anything within and out of my power to make you happy.
I'm going to tell you what your friends are afraid to. Your first reaction will be denial, then you'll hit anger. My intentions are that eventually these words will sink in, and instead of feeling hurt you'll feel grateful that someone cared about you enough to be honest with you.
ReplyDeleteYou're overweight because you eat too many calories and burn too few off.
There are a multitude of reasons why you might do this, or why the weight doesn't come off as easily for you as for others, but bottom line is that you eat too much and move too little.
You can go to all the therapists, surgeons, psychiatrists, sponsors, etc. in the world but you need to accept that this is all in your hands. You got yourself fat, you can get yourself healthy. It doesn't cost $10,000 - but it won't be overnight.
Success doesn't come from "trying" a diet; you must live a healthy lifestyle EVERY DAY for the rest of your life. If you aren't committed to doing this then no amount of blogging, crying, whining, or tantrums will result in true change - which is your mission is it not? YOU have to change, not the insurance company, not peoples' attitudes about you, YOU.
Learn about the food pyramid (yes, it's ancient, but it still holds true). Ditch the sugary drink buckets and empty calorie snacks. Drink water, eat fruit, get enough protein and fiber. Don't diet, don't count calories. Eat when you hungry, but don't gorge, and don't eat garbage. Stop comparing yourself to the Snottsdale fembots. Break a sweat walking, swimming, biking, ANYTHING, and do it EVERY DAY. For the rest of your life.
Yes, it sucks, but it's what healthy people do. Do you want to be healthy?
I completely agree with your statements concerning not going on a "diet" and that this decision for her to change her lifestyle is completely up to her. One does not lose and keep the weight off with fads diets, scams, and pills; she must live it and no one can do this for her but herself. She also needs to stop comparing herself to others, which is harder said than done, but still a useless activity and unnecessary.
DeleteThat being said, your "You're overweight because you eat too many calories and burn too few off." is painfully simplified. This statement makes it seem as though she's gorging herself on junk food and sitting on her butt all day. Weight maintenance does follow the simple math of if you want to gain weight consume more kcalories than you burn, to maintenance, balance it out, and to lose you burn more kcalories than you consume. However, it is important to remember that in order for one to lose a pound of fat, one must burn an EXCESS of 3500 calories. On a 1500 kcalorie diet, you would have to burn 4800 calories. This, of course, can be achieved safely within 5 to 7 days, if done correctly.
And yes any little amount of movement will help reach that goal.
I'm not trying to give her the excuse of it's hard, so she doesn't have to do it, but it is freaking hard and you need to lay off her. She can whine and blog all she wants as long as it helps her get where she needs to be.
I understand you're intentions are good, however, another person telling her she need to "put down the junk food and jog" is not what she needs right now. She needs positive people around her that understand what she is going through and will support her and encourage her to be a healthier her.
And don't talk down to her like a child by saying "Do you want to be healthy?" It was degrading whether you meant it to be or not.
Alexa,
ReplyDeleteIf it's alright with you, I would like to talk to you about this a bit when I come up there this weekend. I'm not going to lecture you, I just want to talk this out. Then you can watch the last 3 episodes of GoT with me. ^_^
Surrounding yourself with enablers like dlaurie will keep you fat. All this coddling and tiptoeing around you has obviously not helped you so I'm telling it like it is. You need to hear the truth and take responsibility for your life Alexa. It's great that you have people who love you just the way you are - but the way you are is going send you to an early grave.
ReplyDeleteI'm not "enabling" her. That would imply that I am okay with her staying unhealthy and unhappy and that I am actually encouraging her to continue or start habits that would cause her to stay overweight. I'm attempting to help her to become a healthier person both physically and emotionally. If she loses the weight in an unhealthy manner or keeps thinking she's overweight when she gets down to a healthy weight, then she's going to be miserable and unhealthy no matter what. The proper weight less takes time and the forcing her to do it wouldn't make her want to do it. As you said, she needs to decide to do it by herself and for herself. The "hard love" and insults methods obviously haven't worked. Don't talk about things with authority that you're too lazy to educate yourself about.
Delete