1. I was in the emergency room at 2 in the morning on Wednesday for a kidney stone, UTI, and an enlarged spleen. I've been in pain for days, I am on lots of medication, and I just haven't been myself. I haven't been eating and have been exhausted. This stone isn't leaving my body and I just haven't had motivation to do anything.
2. School is kicking my ass. I mean, it was hard enough before the medical problems, but now I just don't want to do anything. Homework is piling up and I have no motivation or will to do any of it. It's just another problem and I don't want to solve it.
3. Guys suck... In the past month I have been used, called cheap, played, lied to, and I'm just over it. I just want that one guy who will treat me like a human being. I don't know what I did to deserve this... I try to my best to just be a nice girl, and if I care about a guy, I'll do anything for them. And it's frustrating that I just don't get the same in return. They make me believe that this is actually working out, then say something like 'I'll take anything that's free.' or 'I'm talking to my ex again.' or 'I don't want to lead you on.' Or they just delete me from everything without even having the decency to tell me...
What happened to relationships? What makes the bar so fucking high?
April has been nothing but problems.
I don't know if its just the oxycodone I'm on, or if its the constant pain I'm in, or just the frustration and pressure I'm under. Or maybe it's the constant low blows that make me feel worthless...
But I'm just a mess. And I really want to find peace in all this.
Why is this too much to ask?....
April is just not my month....
-Alexa Starky
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