Letting go is hard, really hard.
But it isn't impossible.
I did everything that I have to focus on me. To work on myself. To bring myself back to live as an individual. I think feelings and sadness effected that for a little while. I got exactly what I needed.
Close friends, family, and positive energy surrounding me. I am just so glad I have those people surrounding me to make me feel like I am doing exactly what is right for me.
I just can't believe that high school is almost over. I have become such good friends with some amazing people, and it's hard to believe that in just a few short months, it will all be over. A new life starts. I suppose it is just hard to put together. I just hope I am ready.. But, we will see..
There isn't much to say right now. Things are going well this winter break and I cannot WAIT for new years :)
It's been good, and it can only get better..
Right?
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I Don't Even Know Where to Begin.
It's one of those winter breaks..
One where everything seems a little bit off. Where all plans change in one phone call. Where life, changes in one phone call.. It's hard to cope with but, I ended my relationship.. I did it for me, but there is this off feeling inside.. Very off.
It's so off that I actually had to leave my house in order to think for myself and be able to write. I needed a new environment to write in. Somewhere where no one cares, where everyone is living their own lives, somewhere surrounded by the scent of peppermint mochas and new books. Borders.
So, here I am. Sitting alone in a Borders Bookstore. Exactly what I needed.
I just needed to get out and write about this week.. It's been about a week now since I broke it off with Eian.. I knew it was right for me. I needed time to feel for myself and live just for myself. And I am. But, there is that 'what if' still sitting the back of my head pounding at my brain.. All of my plans for this winter break has been canceled.. It's somewhat hard to believe that everything that I knew, is over. I mean, it's a new start, but it's weird. And I'm still unsure if I like it. It's like, as if there wasn't enough to think about. College, high school, weight, family, friends, and now this.. Was it a mistake? Did I truly do what my heart and mind wanted? How do you really know? Is there a moment when you just kind of know?
The other part that really sucks is that my whole mindset is gone. I haven't been focused on the gym or on weight watchers. My mind has been in every other place that I don't feel like I have done my best at all these past few weeks. It's just gotten so hard to keep everything in my mind wandering. It's truly exhausting. I think about it all day, then can't sleep all night. I've been going to sleep at 5 in the morning everyday this past weekend because it is impossible for my brain to shut off. I'm exhausted, readers. I'm truly exhausted.
Another thing is that 2 people from my school died Friday morning at 3 am. RIGHT when I got back from the midnight premiere of Tron with some friends (which everyone needs to see). I didn't know them very well, but it's just another sad factor that happened this week that set the world into a darker place.. I feel like my brain has a positive and negative switch and it always switches without my permission. I cannot even explain how obnoxious and stressful it is.
I guess I really need here is people to be with and things to do. I need to keep myself occupied constantly. Otherwise, my mind goes into a negative state. It's not healthy at all..
I am soo lucky to have the friends and family that I do. I can always go to them and they always know exactly how I am feeling and exactly what to do. They are incredible and I'm grateful. I just need to do more for me..
I will keep the blog posted with how I'm doing.
But this week, just wasn't good.
One where everything seems a little bit off. Where all plans change in one phone call. Where life, changes in one phone call.. It's hard to cope with but, I ended my relationship.. I did it for me, but there is this off feeling inside.. Very off.
It's so off that I actually had to leave my house in order to think for myself and be able to write. I needed a new environment to write in. Somewhere where no one cares, where everyone is living their own lives, somewhere surrounded by the scent of peppermint mochas and new books. Borders.
So, here I am. Sitting alone in a Borders Bookstore. Exactly what I needed.
I just needed to get out and write about this week.. It's been about a week now since I broke it off with Eian.. I knew it was right for me. I needed time to feel for myself and live just for myself. And I am. But, there is that 'what if' still sitting the back of my head pounding at my brain.. All of my plans for this winter break has been canceled.. It's somewhat hard to believe that everything that I knew, is over. I mean, it's a new start, but it's weird. And I'm still unsure if I like it. It's like, as if there wasn't enough to think about. College, high school, weight, family, friends, and now this.. Was it a mistake? Did I truly do what my heart and mind wanted? How do you really know? Is there a moment when you just kind of know?
The other part that really sucks is that my whole mindset is gone. I haven't been focused on the gym or on weight watchers. My mind has been in every other place that I don't feel like I have done my best at all these past few weeks. It's just gotten so hard to keep everything in my mind wandering. It's truly exhausting. I think about it all day, then can't sleep all night. I've been going to sleep at 5 in the morning everyday this past weekend because it is impossible for my brain to shut off. I'm exhausted, readers. I'm truly exhausted.
Another thing is that 2 people from my school died Friday morning at 3 am. RIGHT when I got back from the midnight premiere of Tron with some friends (which everyone needs to see). I didn't know them very well, but it's just another sad factor that happened this week that set the world into a darker place.. I feel like my brain has a positive and negative switch and it always switches without my permission. I cannot even explain how obnoxious and stressful it is.
I guess I really need here is people to be with and things to do. I need to keep myself occupied constantly. Otherwise, my mind goes into a negative state. It's not healthy at all..
I am soo lucky to have the friends and family that I do. I can always go to them and they always know exactly how I am feeling and exactly what to do. They are incredible and I'm grateful. I just need to do more for me..
I will keep the blog posted with how I'm doing.
But this week, just wasn't good.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Some things need a changing.
This blog isn't going to be quite as happy as the ones in the past. A lot of great and positive things have been happening lately. I have been doing a lot better. But there are always those feelings in the back of your head that things aren't all correct.
The transition from last year to this year was a DRAMATIC change. I feel like everything I was like year has diminished. I feel like my perspective and outlook on everything has completely changed. I feel like I've lost friends for this reason. I've gained a lot of friends too, but that doesn't take away from everything I have also lost.
I was just looking at pictures from last year, and I was a different person. I don't see the person in those pictures that I see in me now. It's a good thing, but it's a bad thing. I miss laughing and going out with all of my old friends. A lot of my drama friends especially. Despite how I don't always show it, I miss it. I'm just so busy with running clubs and being involved that new things and new people have hopped into my life. It's hard knowing that everything is kind of gone. Everything I knew from last year is gone.
I'm sure this is just the way life is and that this is normal to "move on" from what you know, but it still doesn't feel right.
I don't know..This is just me venting. I couldn't help but feel odd about myself looking at old pictures. I couldn't help but wonder if I like who I am today. I do, because I feel like I'm making a lot of positive changes and making new friendships and new memories. But I don't like that a lot of it isn't with the people I used to hang out with 24/7.
I just hope these people are reading this and see where I am coming from. I wanna share some of the pictures on here that I was looking at. I hope the people in these pictures know I still love them and cherish our friendship and I would never thing differently. I love you guys. I just hope you all understand I'm trying to become a new person for me, and to make me a happier human being. Not for anyone else, but me.
The transition from last year to this year was a DRAMATIC change. I feel like everything I was like year has diminished. I feel like my perspective and outlook on everything has completely changed. I feel like I've lost friends for this reason. I've gained a lot of friends too, but that doesn't take away from everything I have also lost.
I was just looking at pictures from last year, and I was a different person. I don't see the person in those pictures that I see in me now. It's a good thing, but it's a bad thing. I miss laughing and going out with all of my old friends. A lot of my drama friends especially. Despite how I don't always show it, I miss it. I'm just so busy with running clubs and being involved that new things and new people have hopped into my life. It's hard knowing that everything is kind of gone. Everything I knew from last year is gone.
I'm sure this is just the way life is and that this is normal to "move on" from what you know, but it still doesn't feel right.
I don't know..This is just me venting. I couldn't help but feel odd about myself looking at old pictures. I couldn't help but wonder if I like who I am today. I do, because I feel like I'm making a lot of positive changes and making new friendships and new memories. But I don't like that a lot of it isn't with the people I used to hang out with 24/7.
I just hope these people are reading this and see where I am coming from. I wanna share some of the pictures on here that I was looking at. I hope the people in these pictures know I still love them and cherish our friendship and I would never thing differently. I love you guys. I just hope you all understand I'm trying to become a new person for me, and to make me a happier human being. Not for anyone else, but me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Brand New Start BABY!
ALRIGHTY! No more icky gross boring Alexa anymore!
Good things are happening! YES! Good, brand new, awesome things! Bring on, THE LIST!
1. Weight Watchers started a new program! It's awesome and I really like it so far! It is like a brand new start and a new motivation. My sister, mom and I are getting back into it and getting our fresh new start in. We have been counting points and really working at it. It's getting a lot better! I have also been eating better. My sister and I are making smoothies a lot, serving sizes are getting better, and I'm not eating as much. It's gotten better. There are some things to get over and some bad habits to kick to the curb, but I'm working at it.
2. We bought this really fun Zumba thing for Wii. Not only is it an awesome work out, but it really brings the family together. We are all laughing and working out and having a blast. It's nice after a long day to break some sweat after a long day and just hang with the family.
3. I feel like my confidence is boosting. My choir teacher called me tonight telling me that no one was singing at our 1st varsity basketball game and wanted me to sing the national anthem. Apparently I did really well, I was too nervous to remember. But I was in the middle of singing and all I hear is someone behind me go 'DAYUM!' and it kind of made my night. I just felt like people were finally paying attention to something that wasn't my weight, but my voice instead. It was a good feeling. Really great.
4. Therapy is going really well and I don't really know what would become of me if I didn't have my therapist. She is wonderful. It is just a time to let everything that is negative or peevish out and it is a great release. I feel like a lot of my pessimistic ways have been flipped. It's nice. I'm enjoying it.
There are still those moments where it just doesn't seem worth it anymore, but it all changes. It's nice feeling like something is finally getting somewhere when it comes to changing habits and such. And it's nice to have family and friends there along the way. It means a lot to me.
There will be a LOT of stress this week however. TONS of president, choir, drama, stuff! Tons! So, if I hop on whenever I am free complaining about how crazy life is, don't be shocked :)
Bring on another great week.
-Alexa Starky
Good things are happening! YES! Good, brand new, awesome things! Bring on, THE LIST!
1. Weight Watchers started a new program! It's awesome and I really like it so far! It is like a brand new start and a new motivation. My sister, mom and I are getting back into it and getting our fresh new start in. We have been counting points and really working at it. It's getting a lot better! I have also been eating better. My sister and I are making smoothies a lot, serving sizes are getting better, and I'm not eating as much. It's gotten better. There are some things to get over and some bad habits to kick to the curb, but I'm working at it.
2. We bought this really fun Zumba thing for Wii. Not only is it an awesome work out, but it really brings the family together. We are all laughing and working out and having a blast. It's nice after a long day to break some sweat after a long day and just hang with the family.
3. I feel like my confidence is boosting. My choir teacher called me tonight telling me that no one was singing at our 1st varsity basketball game and wanted me to sing the national anthem. Apparently I did really well, I was too nervous to remember. But I was in the middle of singing and all I hear is someone behind me go 'DAYUM!' and it kind of made my night. I just felt like people were finally paying attention to something that wasn't my weight, but my voice instead. It was a good feeling. Really great.
4. Therapy is going really well and I don't really know what would become of me if I didn't have my therapist. She is wonderful. It is just a time to let everything that is negative or peevish out and it is a great release. I feel like a lot of my pessimistic ways have been flipped. It's nice. I'm enjoying it.
There are still those moments where it just doesn't seem worth it anymore, but it all changes. It's nice feeling like something is finally getting somewhere when it comes to changing habits and such. And it's nice to have family and friends there along the way. It means a lot to me.
There will be a LOT of stress this week however. TONS of president, choir, drama, stuff! Tons! So, if I hop on whenever I am free complaining about how crazy life is, don't be shocked :)
Bring on another great week.
-Alexa Starky
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving
There is so much to be thankful for! I know Thanksgiving was yesterday (and I did pretty well when it comes to being on my A-game food wise) but I can't help but think of all of those things I am thankful for. I figured I want to take some time to write down some people who have changed my life this past year and who I am incredibly thankful for.
My parents: Well of course they are the people who make me who I am today. They know how to keep me sane, laughing, on my toes, and so much more. I learn something new from them everyday. I'm so thankful for them always giving me advice, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with (and at), and for never screaming at me if I drive to fast ;) I adore them and I cannot believe this is my last few months as a high schooler in this home with them. They do more than enough for me and I couldn't have asked for a better support system like my mom and my dad. I love you both so much!
Jaclyn: My wacky sister.. We got SO close this year! High school brought us so much closer than we have ever been. I love hanging out with her and being with her. We laugh SO hard at nothing! ALL THE TIME! We know how to have fun and we have made so many memories. She's awesome and funny and everyone loves her as soon as they walk in a room. She is such a cool sister and I love her so much.
My Old Friends: I'm so thankful that I've kept some of my old friends through this crazy experience called high school. Unfortunately, some dropped on the way and some have hit rough spots, but these are the people who know me best. Brady, Joy, Mark, Vincent, Teresa, Patrick, Shannon, Tabitha, Megan, Taylor, and so many more! These are the people who molded me into the person I am today. And some of them are still my best friends. We ALL have had our rough times, but I'm so thankful to have had the past years to laugh, cry, and be with all of you. You all mean the world to me and I couldn't have gone through high school without you guys.
My New Friends: Now these are the people who hopped into my life at least this year if not last. These people have taught me to be someone else. They showed me how to laugh at life and be stupid because you only live once. I feel so loved around these people. Patrick, I have known you forever, but you are like a new best friend everyday. You are ALWAYS there for me! You don't even know how much you mean to me. You and I became even closer this year and I'm ENTIRELY grateful. You are an amazing person and I love you with all my heart. James, Jessica, Katrina, Tori, Carlee, Melody, and others have changed my life. I can be me around these people who I JUST got close to, and they never once judged me (If you did, don't tell me). I can't begin to explain how thankful I am. I got to spend my thanksgiving with one of my new friends, James, and it was amazing! It really made my night having him there. These people always know how to make my night. I couldn't be more grateful to have started talking to you all.
Eian: It's hard being far away. Especially when you have someone as special as Eian so far away. Everytime I go to see him, it's like the first time. He makes me feel on top of the world. He knows how to make me laugh, calm down, smile, and feel special. He knows me like the back of his hand. I cannot believe it has been a year and almost 5 months. And I cannot believe that in about 3 weeks I will see him again. It will be 1 year since we met as boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been having a REALLY tough time lately, and it has been hard. But everytime is a life lesson and a new experience. We have been through everything together. The 1st thing I did when I woke up on thanksgiving was text him and say 'I am thankful for you.' I really am, Eian. You mean the WORLD to me and I can't believe we have made it this far. Despite the drama and the troubles, we have always been there for eachother. Even if we had to scream to get eachothers attention :) People don't understand our relationship, and it's hard to explain. But PLEASE, always remember that you make me SO happy and I am INCREDIBLY lucky to have someone like you in my life. I love you so much. :)
Weight Watchers: It works. It doesn't work. It works. It doesn't work. It DOES work. I'm learning how to live a better life, and it's because of Weight Watchers. My mom kept me going when I really didn't want to but I have made lifetime habits and I have lost about 8 lbs. so far. Shoot, it's not a ton, but that is 8 I would NOT have lost without it. I'm going to keep doing this and I am going to keep at it. Even if it isn't some miracle and I magically lose 80 pounds in a matter of months, I'm learning. I'm making goals. I'm making changes. I hope it brings me more good news and more great moments. I'm learning so much and I'm thankful we kept at it and still are!
Choir and Drama: The reason I go to school. These 2 things are my life! We all complain about them. We have to do a lot for them. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. Sometimes there are issues. But, we always get over them. Choir, is my zen every morning. I get to see all the people who mean so much to me laughing, singing, getting angry, stressed, and every emotion in between, together. I only have 3 concerts left out of 16. It's hard to know that. But being so involved and so dedicated to it makes it all worth it. All the friends and memories are SO worth it. And drama. I'm president. I've been dreaming about that since my freshman year. I made it. IT'S BEEN SO HARD! It's hard running a club! It just is. It's hard knowing everything relies on you and you make all the choices. Of course I have my AMAZING council who I couldn't be without, and we have had our issues too. SO many rumors and stress and problems but we have gotten over all of them. And I am grateful for all of you. I hope you know that. Lets make these last few months amazing. I'm thankful because these 2 things made me who I am today. They gave me personality. They gave me humor. They gave me amazing friends that I could never dream of having. I can't explain how grateful I am.
Last but not least, I'm thankful for this blog. It has gotten me to speak about some of my blackest moments. It has gotten be through some of my darkest times. This past year, I've heard the word 'no' a lot. I've heard 'I don't know' a lot. I've heard a lot of negative things. I've been made fun of, I've been hurt, I've been stressed, I've felt disgusting. I felt unimportant. I felt like there was no hope anymore. And I wrote it all down here. It got people to understand my true feelings and how everything has affected me. And it brought me closer to a lot of people. I've been given advice from people I've never met and people I love most. This was absolutely one of my better ideas. And I will keep this blog up, and I will never stop.
Happy thanksgiving everyone :)
-Alexa Starky
My parents: Well of course they are the people who make me who I am today. They know how to keep me sane, laughing, on my toes, and so much more. I learn something new from them everyday. I'm so thankful for them always giving me advice, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with (and at), and for never screaming at me if I drive to fast ;) I adore them and I cannot believe this is my last few months as a high schooler in this home with them. They do more than enough for me and I couldn't have asked for a better support system like my mom and my dad. I love you both so much!
Jaclyn: My wacky sister.. We got SO close this year! High school brought us so much closer than we have ever been. I love hanging out with her and being with her. We laugh SO hard at nothing! ALL THE TIME! We know how to have fun and we have made so many memories. She's awesome and funny and everyone loves her as soon as they walk in a room. She is such a cool sister and I love her so much.
My Old Friends: I'm so thankful that I've kept some of my old friends through this crazy experience called high school. Unfortunately, some dropped on the way and some have hit rough spots, but these are the people who know me best. Brady, Joy, Mark, Vincent, Teresa, Patrick, Shannon, Tabitha, Megan, Taylor, and so many more! These are the people who molded me into the person I am today. And some of them are still my best friends. We ALL have had our rough times, but I'm so thankful to have had the past years to laugh, cry, and be with all of you. You all mean the world to me and I couldn't have gone through high school without you guys.
My New Friends: Now these are the people who hopped into my life at least this year if not last. These people have taught me to be someone else. They showed me how to laugh at life and be stupid because you only live once. I feel so loved around these people. Patrick, I have known you forever, but you are like a new best friend everyday. You are ALWAYS there for me! You don't even know how much you mean to me. You and I became even closer this year and I'm ENTIRELY grateful. You are an amazing person and I love you with all my heart. James, Jessica, Katrina, Tori, Carlee, Melody, and others have changed my life. I can be me around these people who I JUST got close to, and they never once judged me (If you did, don't tell me). I can't begin to explain how thankful I am. I got to spend my thanksgiving with one of my new friends, James, and it was amazing! It really made my night having him there. These people always know how to make my night. I couldn't be more grateful to have started talking to you all.
Eian: It's hard being far away. Especially when you have someone as special as Eian so far away. Everytime I go to see him, it's like the first time. He makes me feel on top of the world. He knows how to make me laugh, calm down, smile, and feel special. He knows me like the back of his hand. I cannot believe it has been a year and almost 5 months. And I cannot believe that in about 3 weeks I will see him again. It will be 1 year since we met as boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been having a REALLY tough time lately, and it has been hard. But everytime is a life lesson and a new experience. We have been through everything together. The 1st thing I did when I woke up on thanksgiving was text him and say 'I am thankful for you.' I really am, Eian. You mean the WORLD to me and I can't believe we have made it this far. Despite the drama and the troubles, we have always been there for eachother. Even if we had to scream to get eachothers attention :) People don't understand our relationship, and it's hard to explain. But PLEASE, always remember that you make me SO happy and I am INCREDIBLY lucky to have someone like you in my life. I love you so much. :)
Weight Watchers: It works. It doesn't work. It works. It doesn't work. It DOES work. I'm learning how to live a better life, and it's because of Weight Watchers. My mom kept me going when I really didn't want to but I have made lifetime habits and I have lost about 8 lbs. so far. Shoot, it's not a ton, but that is 8 I would NOT have lost without it. I'm going to keep doing this and I am going to keep at it. Even if it isn't some miracle and I magically lose 80 pounds in a matter of months, I'm learning. I'm making goals. I'm making changes. I hope it brings me more good news and more great moments. I'm learning so much and I'm thankful we kept at it and still are!
Choir and Drama: The reason I go to school. These 2 things are my life! We all complain about them. We have to do a lot for them. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. Sometimes there are issues. But, we always get over them. Choir, is my zen every morning. I get to see all the people who mean so much to me laughing, singing, getting angry, stressed, and every emotion in between, together. I only have 3 concerts left out of 16. It's hard to know that. But being so involved and so dedicated to it makes it all worth it. All the friends and memories are SO worth it. And drama. I'm president. I've been dreaming about that since my freshman year. I made it. IT'S BEEN SO HARD! It's hard running a club! It just is. It's hard knowing everything relies on you and you make all the choices. Of course I have my AMAZING council who I couldn't be without, and we have had our issues too. SO many rumors and stress and problems but we have gotten over all of them. And I am grateful for all of you. I hope you know that. Lets make these last few months amazing. I'm thankful because these 2 things made me who I am today. They gave me personality. They gave me humor. They gave me amazing friends that I could never dream of having. I can't explain how grateful I am.
Last but not least, I'm thankful for this blog. It has gotten me to speak about some of my blackest moments. It has gotten be through some of my darkest times. This past year, I've heard the word 'no' a lot. I've heard 'I don't know' a lot. I've heard a lot of negative things. I've been made fun of, I've been hurt, I've been stressed, I've felt disgusting. I felt unimportant. I felt like there was no hope anymore. And I wrote it all down here. It got people to understand my true feelings and how everything has affected me. And it brought me closer to a lot of people. I've been given advice from people I've never met and people I love most. This was absolutely one of my better ideas. And I will keep this blog up, and I will never stop.
Happy thanksgiving everyone :)
-Alexa Starky
Friday, November 12, 2010
I don't like high school anymore..
What is high school?
Well, in my opinion, it is a bunch of cranky teenagers getting together early in the morning to learn something we will never learn again and with stress and problems on top. Sounding to pessimistic?
It's just how I am feeling right now.
If I could list all my problems, my readers would cross me out sooo, I'm not going to do that. But truly, so many mixed emotions about everything that it's exhausting. It's hard to stay motivated with everything when it feels like nothing is going right.
I need a vacation. I need a vacation away from everyone and everything. I need to find a zen. I need to find myself, because I don't know who I am anymore...
That's hard to admit, but it's so hard to be anyone. I mean, there are some people and some moments where I forget about all of my problems. But, once it's over, it's right back into sadness..
My boyfriend and I are doing better. It's good, but I don't feel great about it. I mean, I don't feel great about anything I do anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore and it has effected everything including my friendships, my relationships, and just me.
It's stressful. And I want it all to go away so I can focus on me and trying to become a better me. But as of now, that's not really happening.
I swear, paradise is calling me. Where there is nothing to worry about. No tears, no stress, no compromise, just, pure bliss. Is that so hard to ask for?...
I wish more people, especially my friends, would read this and understand what is going on underneath all they see at school... I guess that's too much to ask for.
Oh well.. I'm trying here...
I just want everything normal..
-Alexa Starky
Well, in my opinion, it is a bunch of cranky teenagers getting together early in the morning to learn something we will never learn again and with stress and problems on top. Sounding to pessimistic?
It's just how I am feeling right now.
If I could list all my problems, my readers would cross me out sooo, I'm not going to do that. But truly, so many mixed emotions about everything that it's exhausting. It's hard to stay motivated with everything when it feels like nothing is going right.
I need a vacation. I need a vacation away from everyone and everything. I need to find a zen. I need to find myself, because I don't know who I am anymore...
That's hard to admit, but it's so hard to be anyone. I mean, there are some people and some moments where I forget about all of my problems. But, once it's over, it's right back into sadness..
My boyfriend and I are doing better. It's good, but I don't feel great about it. I mean, I don't feel great about anything I do anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore and it has effected everything including my friendships, my relationships, and just me.
It's stressful. And I want it all to go away so I can focus on me and trying to become a better me. But as of now, that's not really happening.
I swear, paradise is calling me. Where there is nothing to worry about. No tears, no stress, no compromise, just, pure bliss. Is that so hard to ask for?...
I wish more people, especially my friends, would read this and understand what is going on underneath all they see at school... I guess that's too much to ask for.
Oh well.. I'm trying here...
I just want everything normal..
-Alexa Starky
Sunday, November 7, 2010
? Why.. ?
...Life is hard to deal with. I'm tired of the disappointments. I'm tired of hearing no. I'm tired of hearing I'm not positive about anything. I'm tired of hearing that there are no answers to anything.
I'm just an over weight 18 year old who doesn't know what the next day is going to bring...
I feel disgusting...
There is 1 more thing my mom and I are gonna try out. I'm not going to go into detail with it until I get more on it. But there is 1 more thing... we will see if that works out.
My boyfriend and I are on a 'break'.
That is kind of eating me apart right now.. It's like, what else could go wrong?
I'm breaking. Each blog gets worse. I need good news, and it isn't coming...
I need time to myself, but that's hard to do when life keeps hitting you in the face... I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I need my friends and family now more than ever...
I'm just an over weight 18 year old who doesn't know what the next day is going to bring...
I feel disgusting...
There is 1 more thing my mom and I are gonna try out. I'm not going to go into detail with it until I get more on it. But there is 1 more thing... we will see if that works out.
My boyfriend and I are on a 'break'.
That is kind of eating me apart right now.. It's like, what else could go wrong?
I'm breaking. Each blog gets worse. I need good news, and it isn't coming...
I need time to myself, but that's hard to do when life keeps hitting you in the face... I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I need my friends and family now more than ever...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Letting it all out.
That picture is kind of what I'm feeling right now. PURE STRESS.
I don't think I've ever had a worse week in my life.
1st : I find out that there is not a single answer to my white blood cell count constantly increasing. They KEEP telling me to not worry about it and that we need to try more things. NOT WORRY ABOUT IT?! How can you tell me that I'm supposed to be at a 10,000 count and it is at 16,000?! How am I supposed to remain calm about something like that with no answers?!?!?!?!?!?
2nd: I find out I can't get my lap band surgery... Why? Because people keep asking for it and my stupid ass insurance doesn't want to spend the money to save people from their fat bodies... I can't keep looking in the mirror and seeing this.. Knowing that they can't help me tears me apart. It was my answer. It was my way out. It was my help and my guide to a better life. And they shut it all down with 1 phone call.. I cannot even explain how STRESSFUL that is.
3rd: Apparently because I work hard and do everything and am so dedicated to a specific thing, I don't get rewarded...because I'm so busy. WTF?! Is that even a logical statement? Because I'm busy doing everything for a specific someone (not going to give detail due to the people reading this) I don't get rewarded... I don't see anything right with those words. I work so hard to be the best at something. It's something that not a lot of over weight girls do. I'm in the Advanced Choir. I'm the heaviest one in there. Like that isn't weird enough? I want to be normal. I want to fit in. I want to look at my concert DVDs and not feel ashamed that I'm the only one who looks disgusting. I want to be pretty..and looked at differently. And I do so much there. I do everything I can. And because I do so much, I can't be given something that would make it feel worth it...
I feel so worthless, readers. I've never felt so low about myself. I feel like I'm running out of options here. Nothing is inspiring anymore. Nothing is worth it any longer. I'm running out of passion and feeling.
I need help...
-Alexa Starky..
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Insurance Always Has The Last Word
Getting right to the point.
Insurance sucks.
They said no to my lap band surgery. Why? Because they didn't want to pay.
They really don't know who they break down when they say no to something like that.
So, easy to say, I broke down. My heart broke. Because I was so confident and excited.
But, insurance can suck it.
I am on a mission to do this ALONE. My dad and I made a deal, that I'm keeping to myself, where if I loose 100 pounds by my graduation (in May) I get a prize.
I think it is a good motivation and I need to do this. For me.
SO, I need motivation! My friends NEED to slap my wrist if I go for something stupid! Hear me?? PLEASE STOP ME FROM RUINING THIS FOR ME.
Here we go again. A new start, lap band free.
-Alexa Starky
Insurance sucks.
They said no to my lap band surgery. Why? Because they didn't want to pay.
They really don't know who they break down when they say no to something like that.
So, easy to say, I broke down. My heart broke. Because I was so confident and excited.
But, insurance can suck it.
I am on a mission to do this ALONE. My dad and I made a deal, that I'm keeping to myself, where if I loose 100 pounds by my graduation (in May) I get a prize.
I think it is a good motivation and I need to do this. For me.
SO, I need motivation! My friends NEED to slap my wrist if I go for something stupid! Hear me?? PLEASE STOP ME FROM RUINING THIS FOR ME.
Here we go again. A new start, lap band free.
-Alexa Starky
Monday, October 25, 2010
BMI = TMI
Step 1: Complete.
I went to my Lap Band seminar and it was incredibly informative. I've filled and turned in all of the paper work and am waiting for them to call which will be in about 3 weeks latest. The seminar taught me a lot about what is going on inside me and what exactly happens when you get the band. It sounds like a blessing for me. It is everything I could ever dream of and I feel like it is finally set in stone that this is exactly what will happen in the future.
I certainly have my mom to thank for all of this. She makes it all possible. She is my wall and she has helped me through so much! Thanks Mom :)
Also, my eyes were opened to what worse could look like. At the seminar, some of the people had to be in wheelchairs because they couldn't walk, some people didn't fit in their chairs, or had to use canes. Some people were so large, it was so hard to look at. I felt so much pain for them because it is so unfair. I don't see how anyone can bully or make fun of someone like me when it can get so much worse and is a scary and harmful condition to be in. It made me realize it could be worse and that I need to do something about this, and fast.
And about the BMI thing. Yeah, NOT ok. If you do not know, BMI stands for Body Mass Index. And it is on a paper and it is like a grid determining where you are and what is healthy and what is obese or even worse. It is scary to see where you are on the scale BMI wise. You want to drop it so badly. And the seminar and the BMI scale really opened my eyes that I need to work on this and fix this, and fast. My BMI is certainly TMI.
As for the Weight Watchers update : I did really well this week which was rather surprising to me. I lost almost 3 pounds this week which is really good. I bet it was because of the craziness and stress of homecoming week and the dance (where I must have burned all my calories from the whole week!).
And as for doctor stuff, I am unsure of what is going on... They don't know what is up with my massive white blood cell count and we are going to be doing more tests in about 8 weeks to see if it will elevate even more than it already has. It is complicated and my stress and anxiety has given me other problems such as sleep deprivation.. So I am on a medicine that should help that.
In other words, I am a happy, satisfied, but stressed out hot mess.
Thats the only way I really know how to put it.
It is a crazy and wild journey, but I am taking baby steps and large leaps of faith. And I think all of this will eventually lead me to the right place.
-Alexa Starky
I went to my Lap Band seminar and it was incredibly informative. I've filled and turned in all of the paper work and am waiting for them to call which will be in about 3 weeks latest. The seminar taught me a lot about what is going on inside me and what exactly happens when you get the band. It sounds like a blessing for me. It is everything I could ever dream of and I feel like it is finally set in stone that this is exactly what will happen in the future.
I certainly have my mom to thank for all of this. She makes it all possible. She is my wall and she has helped me through so much! Thanks Mom :)
Also, my eyes were opened to what worse could look like. At the seminar, some of the people had to be in wheelchairs because they couldn't walk, some people didn't fit in their chairs, or had to use canes. Some people were so large, it was so hard to look at. I felt so much pain for them because it is so unfair. I don't see how anyone can bully or make fun of someone like me when it can get so much worse and is a scary and harmful condition to be in. It made me realize it could be worse and that I need to do something about this, and fast.
And about the BMI thing. Yeah, NOT ok. If you do not know, BMI stands for Body Mass Index. And it is on a paper and it is like a grid determining where you are and what is healthy and what is obese or even worse. It is scary to see where you are on the scale BMI wise. You want to drop it so badly. And the seminar and the BMI scale really opened my eyes that I need to work on this and fix this, and fast. My BMI is certainly TMI.
As for the Weight Watchers update : I did really well this week which was rather surprising to me. I lost almost 3 pounds this week which is really good. I bet it was because of the craziness and stress of homecoming week and the dance (where I must have burned all my calories from the whole week!).
And as for doctor stuff, I am unsure of what is going on... They don't know what is up with my massive white blood cell count and we are going to be doing more tests in about 8 weeks to see if it will elevate even more than it already has. It is complicated and my stress and anxiety has given me other problems such as sleep deprivation.. So I am on a medicine that should help that.
In other words, I am a happy, satisfied, but stressed out hot mess.
Thats the only way I really know how to put it.
It is a crazy and wild journey, but I am taking baby steps and large leaps of faith. And I think all of this will eventually lead me to the right place.
-Alexa Starky
Monday, October 18, 2010
6 months too long..
I can't wait anymore.
I am almost 4 months into this 6 month long wait to get the lap band and I can't take another day without it..
I went to my therapist today and she told me to close my eyes and imagine myself at a party as myself. Then to imagine a thinner me and how the 2 people differed.
I was happier and I felt pretty thin. And now I feel like a gross piece of garbage.
What teenager deserves feeling like this?..
I keep doing research about this lap band and the more I learn the more I want it. I want it so badly..
I REALLY wish people could experience being over weight for one day and see how their life changes. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty looking like this.
Everyone should get a taste of this medicine...
I just don't want it anymore..I don't want to look like this anymore...
Why can't January just be here?...
I want my life back.
I want my personality back.
I want me back.
-Alexa Starky..
I am almost 4 months into this 6 month long wait to get the lap band and I can't take another day without it..
I went to my therapist today and she told me to close my eyes and imagine myself at a party as myself. Then to imagine a thinner me and how the 2 people differed.
I was happier and I felt pretty thin. And now I feel like a gross piece of garbage.
What teenager deserves feeling like this?..
I keep doing research about this lap band and the more I learn the more I want it. I want it so badly..
I REALLY wish people could experience being over weight for one day and see how their life changes. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty looking like this.
Everyone should get a taste of this medicine...
I just don't want it anymore..I don't want to look like this anymore...
Why can't January just be here?...
I want my life back.
I want my personality back.
I want me back.
-Alexa Starky..
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I Feel, Special.
When someone says 'I have amazing friends' that is, SUCH an understatement for me.
My friends raised the bar yesterday throwing me a surprise party! It was one of the best nights of my life. I never felt so special. It was that 'everyone was thinking about me tonight' happy stomach feeling. I couldn't have asked for a better night.
However, I came home and started to cry. And, I honestly had no idea why. I have been having these odd dreams that make me confused in the morning. My mood switches so quickly. I can go from SO happy to tears in a matter of minutes..and I don't know why.
After I got home, I felt so special but I felt so alone.
My life changed this year, a lot. I became friends with new people, I am planning the next stage in life, and I've just been seeing things differently..
I think the big issue here, for me, is that everything is changing, except the one thing I want to change. Me. My exterior. I seem happy to my friends, and if they are reading this, I am. But not like I should be.
I'm tired of looking at pictures of me saying 'this picture would look SO much better if I was thinner..'
So, I decided I am going to keep going to the gym and stay on weight watchers but I am thinking of getting the lap band. Might as well tell everyone. I mean, this is my truth blog and I want people to know what I am thinking and feeling.
But, I have been looking into it since last year. And now that I am 18 and on a doctor monitored diet, I am really getting serious about it. It doesn't take the weight off suddenly. It just monitors what you eat and how portions work and I think it would really help me out.
Of course afterward I will keep going with weight watchers and working out as if I didn't get it but I just need it. I wanted to do this the natural way, but honestly, it is so much easier said than done.
I just want that happy-feel-good feeling again. I used to have that but I really haven't lately.
Let me know what you all think of my choice. My purpose for this blog is to hear your ideas and let me know what you are thinking. Please no negativity, that is the last thing I need. But I do want to know what is going on in the minds I care so much about.
Thank you.
-Alexa Starky
My friends raised the bar yesterday throwing me a surprise party! It was one of the best nights of my life. I never felt so special. It was that 'everyone was thinking about me tonight' happy stomach feeling. I couldn't have asked for a better night.
However, I came home and started to cry. And, I honestly had no idea why. I have been having these odd dreams that make me confused in the morning. My mood switches so quickly. I can go from SO happy to tears in a matter of minutes..and I don't know why.
After I got home, I felt so special but I felt so alone.
My life changed this year, a lot. I became friends with new people, I am planning the next stage in life, and I've just been seeing things differently..
I think the big issue here, for me, is that everything is changing, except the one thing I want to change. Me. My exterior. I seem happy to my friends, and if they are reading this, I am. But not like I should be.
I'm tired of looking at pictures of me saying 'this picture would look SO much better if I was thinner..'
So, I decided I am going to keep going to the gym and stay on weight watchers but I am thinking of getting the lap band. Might as well tell everyone. I mean, this is my truth blog and I want people to know what I am thinking and feeling.
But, I have been looking into it since last year. And now that I am 18 and on a doctor monitored diet, I am really getting serious about it. It doesn't take the weight off suddenly. It just monitors what you eat and how portions work and I think it would really help me out.
Of course afterward I will keep going with weight watchers and working out as if I didn't get it but I just need it. I wanted to do this the natural way, but honestly, it is so much easier said than done.
I just want that happy-feel-good feeling again. I used to have that but I really haven't lately.
Let me know what you all think of my choice. My purpose for this blog is to hear your ideas and let me know what you are thinking. Please no negativity, that is the last thing I need. But I do want to know what is going on in the minds I care so much about.
Thank you.
-Alexa Starky
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dear VOSAC, I love you.
Yes!
I think I've finally made it to the climax! The climax of my story. The rising action happened with all of the diet stuff, the beginning of my senior year, so on so forth.
This is it. The tip of my English 7-8 study guide. My climax moment.
I found where I belong right now.
The last 2 ish weeks, I've been very unhappy. That is putting it into a more simple term. I've felt like there was no reason for school anymore, there was no reason to look good, there was nothing to make me feel good. I felt, nothing. I kept telling myself to feel something! All I felt was space waiting to be filled.
It's been filled. Mostly anyway. I would say half full..notice how I didn't say half empty. That's positivity!
Anywho,
I found love in choir. A new love. I've always loved it and it was always one of my favorites. But now, I feel it. I feel love and happiness when I walk into my 3rd hour. I see all of my friends, my dance partners, my crazy bald wacko of a teacher I love to hate and love to love, and I feel right. Everything in the day is just right. I love choir. It gets me up and out the door everyday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekzUT_2Urz8
Look this up. This is us last year.
I just, finally found my passion for the year. It's in my choir.
The Voices of Shadow Advanced Choir.
VOSAC
I've been doing better. My foot is still in its little boot but I'm healing and it isn't hurting much anymore. I'm losing weight with weight watchers. I'm just more aware of whats going into my body and it really is paying off. I will be back at the gym as soon as my foot is completely healed :)
Anywho..
This blog is for my VOSACers and for those who need to find a passion. Let me tell you, it is in the oddest of places. It is in people you would have never talked to. You really don't know until you start saying yes.
If you are interested in seeing me and my passion at its best, PLEASE come to our concert at Shadow Mountain High School in our auditorium on October 14th at 7 pm.
It is completely free! (donations appreciated ;) )
But, back to my point, VOSAC, you're changing me. And you are giving me a lot of inspiration to keep up on what my goals are and you are giving me more reason. I love you all so much. My old friends since 5th grade to now. And the people I started talking to 3 weeks ago.
You don't know what you did to me :)
I love you all.
-Alexa Starky
I think I've finally made it to the climax! The climax of my story. The rising action happened with all of the diet stuff, the beginning of my senior year, so on so forth.
This is it. The tip of my English 7-8 study guide. My climax moment.
I found where I belong right now.
The last 2 ish weeks, I've been very unhappy. That is putting it into a more simple term. I've felt like there was no reason for school anymore, there was no reason to look good, there was nothing to make me feel good. I felt, nothing. I kept telling myself to feel something! All I felt was space waiting to be filled.
It's been filled. Mostly anyway. I would say half full..notice how I didn't say half empty. That's positivity!
Anywho,
I found love in choir. A new love. I've always loved it and it was always one of my favorites. But now, I feel it. I feel love and happiness when I walk into my 3rd hour. I see all of my friends, my dance partners, my crazy bald wacko of a teacher I love to hate and love to love, and I feel right. Everything in the day is just right. I love choir. It gets me up and out the door everyday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekzUT_2Urz8
Look this up. This is us last year.
I just, finally found my passion for the year. It's in my choir.
The Voices of Shadow Advanced Choir.
VOSAC
I've been doing better. My foot is still in its little boot but I'm healing and it isn't hurting much anymore. I'm losing weight with weight watchers. I'm just more aware of whats going into my body and it really is paying off. I will be back at the gym as soon as my foot is completely healed :)
Anywho..
This blog is for my VOSACers and for those who need to find a passion. Let me tell you, it is in the oddest of places. It is in people you would have never talked to. You really don't know until you start saying yes.
If you are interested in seeing me and my passion at its best, PLEASE come to our concert at Shadow Mountain High School in our auditorium on October 14th at 7 pm.
It is completely free! (donations appreciated ;) )
But, back to my point, VOSAC, you're changing me. And you are giving me a lot of inspiration to keep up on what my goals are and you are giving me more reason. I love you all so much. My old friends since 5th grade to now. And the people I started talking to 3 weeks ago.
You don't know what you did to me :)
I love you all.
-Alexa Starky
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Ah Inspiration.. You are a joke-ster! (:
I.
What do you think of when you see that letter?
...I...
I went to the ever-so-wonderful dictionary.com to find out exactly what I means.
1. The 9th letter in the English alphabet.
THANK YOU DICTIONARY.COM!
Man, they are SO smart, it makes me sick to my stomach! (really, it does)
Then I scrolled down to pronoun.
1. The nominative singular pronoun, used by a speaker in referring to himself or herself.
There we go. That makes more sense. But, doesn't that sound conceited in a way?
Well, it is. And for this blog, I'm going to use it in a different way. I know I know, I sound complicated, in fact, I am kind of confusing myself. I always think of I as in, what I am right now. How I am feeling right now. Right now right now right now. Always what is in my mind RIGHT NOW.
I..don't want to do that for this blog. I don't want to complain about weight, or school, or social life. I want to explain. I want to be.
I...want to be different.
Everyday we hear 'I think' or 'I want' or 'I believe' and, well, I'm done with that. I will say it sometimes when I really do need something. I don't want to live in this 'I' life anymore.
I want (have to do it there, sorry) to live in the 'This is' life.
Where I am at that sudden moment. 'This is.' I want to feel life again. Passion. Feeling. I don't want passion or feeling, that sounds like a craving! This is passion. This is life! I'm going to live in this is.
I just saw Easy A with Emma Stone, AWESOME MOVIE BY THE WAY! GO SEE IT!
Anywho..
Almost everyone in that movie wanted something. They wanted to change and they did the wrong thing to get it because they thought it was the only way. They ended up hurting a lot of people all because, they wanted to change. They wanted to be popular. They wanted life.
I wanted to be thin (still do..), I wanted to be popular, I wanted to fit in with people I never would have. I wanted to be, different.
This isn't helping. WANTING isn't helping.
Want should be a curse word. Because wanting is just painful! Instead of wanting go make it real. I don't know why it took a movie about a girl who fakes her loss of virginity to make me realize this, but it did.
I've been having these dreams lately talking to a certain someone I'm not gonna get into. She comes to me every night in my sleep telling me to live. To breathe in the love and passion I have being on this earth...because..she never got to..
This is real. This is happening. This is a new me.
This means no more fighting about stupid crap with Eian! (unless he really messes up. ;) No pressure babe.)
This means doing something at home that will make me a better person.
This means helping.
This means learning.
This means, I'm a new person.
Sure, therapy will still be incredibly needed, and tears will fall.
But, that's what this blog is for.
For you 19 lovely followers to hear me out. (btw, tell people about the blog, please!)
To get love and support I never hear outside of this web page.
This is me.
And wanting, is over. From now on, I'm living.
I think learningasigo, can go away. This is my page. Me.
-Alexa Starky.
What do you think of when you see that letter?
...I...
I went to the ever-so-wonderful dictionary.com to find out exactly what I means.
1. The 9th letter in the English alphabet.
THANK YOU DICTIONARY.COM!
Man, they are SO smart, it makes me sick to my stomach! (really, it does)
Then I scrolled down to pronoun.
1. The nominative singular pronoun, used by a speaker in referring to himself or herself.
There we go. That makes more sense. But, doesn't that sound conceited in a way?
Well, it is. And for this blog, I'm going to use it in a different way. I know I know, I sound complicated, in fact, I am kind of confusing myself. I always think of I as in, what I am right now. How I am feeling right now. Right now right now right now. Always what is in my mind RIGHT NOW.
I..don't want to do that for this blog. I don't want to complain about weight, or school, or social life. I want to explain. I want to be.
I...want to be different.
Everyday we hear 'I think' or 'I want' or 'I believe' and, well, I'm done with that. I will say it sometimes when I really do need something. I don't want to live in this 'I' life anymore.
I want (have to do it there, sorry) to live in the 'This is' life.
Where I am at that sudden moment. 'This is.' I want to feel life again. Passion. Feeling. I don't want passion or feeling, that sounds like a craving! This is passion. This is life! I'm going to live in this is.
I just saw Easy A with Emma Stone, AWESOME MOVIE BY THE WAY! GO SEE IT!
Anywho..
Almost everyone in that movie wanted something. They wanted to change and they did the wrong thing to get it because they thought it was the only way. They ended up hurting a lot of people all because, they wanted to change. They wanted to be popular. They wanted life.
I wanted to be thin (still do..), I wanted to be popular, I wanted to fit in with people I never would have. I wanted to be, different.
This isn't helping. WANTING isn't helping.
Want should be a curse word. Because wanting is just painful! Instead of wanting go make it real. I don't know why it took a movie about a girl who fakes her loss of virginity to make me realize this, but it did.
I've been having these dreams lately talking to a certain someone I'm not gonna get into. She comes to me every night in my sleep telling me to live. To breathe in the love and passion I have being on this earth...because..she never got to..
This is real. This is happening. This is a new me.
This means no more fighting about stupid crap with Eian! (unless he really messes up. ;) No pressure babe.)
This means doing something at home that will make me a better person.
This means helping.
This means learning.
This means, I'm a new person.
Sure, therapy will still be incredibly needed, and tears will fall.
But, that's what this blog is for.
For you 19 lovely followers to hear me out. (btw, tell people about the blog, please!)
To get love and support I never hear outside of this web page.
This is me.
And wanting, is over. From now on, I'm living.
I think learningasigo, can go away. This is my page. Me.
-Alexa Starky.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Stupid Trampoline..
Hi. It's been awhile. I guess life, laziness, and therapy sessions got in the way of me and my blog. Whoops. Well, I'm here now.
I bet you are wondering what happened to me these past few weeks..
Well, not much. Just school, keeping myself busy, sprained ankles....
Oh yeah, the sprained ankle situation. Yep. Here I am, sitting on the same god damn couch I've been sitting on for 60 some hours with a brace sitting on my left [dominant] foot...
How did I do such a thing? Well..
It all started on my day off from school because of the Jewish new year.
×©× ×” טובה ומתוקה
Anywho, some friends and I decided to go to this magical wonderful beautiful place called Jumpstreet..basically its a huge trampoline room. How fun right?! Well, yes it was fun! Until the excitement stopped and I realized my foot was in complete and utter pain! After lunch I could barely walk and I had to ask my friends to drive me home.
I get home, call my mom and was like FUUUUUUUUUU** MY FOOT HURTS! COME HOME!!
She finally did and I was screaming and freaking out and was a hot mess!
So, my lovely mother and sister try to help me get to the car but every hop and jump was more and more screaming. So, that didn't work.
They sat me down, and my mom called the paramedics to come and save the day and OOOH DID THEY EVER!!! :D
I'm talking HOT! GORGEOUS! SEXY! MEDICS! :D
They made every pain worth it. :)
But anywho, they came by and examined me and told me I needed to go to the hospitals E.R. I was just like whatever as long as they help me get to the car :D Which they did! :) IT WAS AWESOME!
Buuut, then they had to leave me, and the pain was back again.
So, we get to the hospital and my favorite line of the day was...
Hospital guy: on a scale of 1-10 how bad is the pain?
Me: 9
Mom: If this is a 9, what was it at home???
Me: a 14
So they take me to get some x-rays and they come in with the good news and the bad news.
Good: its not broken! WOOH PARTY YAY WOOH!
Bad: its a bad sprain.... &%@$!
My gorgeous foot and its brace :(
Me at the hospital [the worst picture everrr]
I had to miss my first pep assembly as a senior..singing with my choir at the assembly...and just an awesome school day. But today, I am going to face my foot and go to 2 of my friends birthday parties.
Wish me luck...
And I think this is proof that I am..
learningasigo.
I bet you are wondering what happened to me these past few weeks..
Well, not much. Just school, keeping myself busy, sprained ankles....
Oh yeah, the sprained ankle situation. Yep. Here I am, sitting on the same god damn couch I've been sitting on for 60 some hours with a brace sitting on my left [dominant] foot...
How did I do such a thing? Well..
It all started on my day off from school because of the Jewish new year.
×©× ×” טובה ומתוקה
Anywho, some friends and I decided to go to this magical wonderful beautiful place called Jumpstreet..basically its a huge trampoline room. How fun right?! Well, yes it was fun! Until the excitement stopped and I realized my foot was in complete and utter pain! After lunch I could barely walk and I had to ask my friends to drive me home.
I get home, call my mom and was like FUUUUUUUUUU** MY FOOT HURTS! COME HOME!!
She finally did and I was screaming and freaking out and was a hot mess!
So, my lovely mother and sister try to help me get to the car but every hop and jump was more and more screaming. So, that didn't work.
They sat me down, and my mom called the paramedics to come and save the day and OOOH DID THEY EVER!!! :D
I'm talking HOT! GORGEOUS! SEXY! MEDICS! :D
They made every pain worth it. :)
But anywho, they came by and examined me and told me I needed to go to the hospitals E.R. I was just like whatever as long as they help me get to the car :D Which they did! :) IT WAS AWESOME!
Buuut, then they had to leave me, and the pain was back again.
So, we get to the hospital and my favorite line of the day was...
Hospital guy: on a scale of 1-10 how bad is the pain?
Me: 9
Mom: If this is a 9, what was it at home???
Me: a 14
So they take me to get some x-rays and they come in with the good news and the bad news.
Good: its not broken! WOOH PARTY YAY WOOH!
Bad: its a bad sprain.... &%@$!
My gorgeous foot and its brace :(
Me at the hospital [the worst picture everrr]
I had to miss my first pep assembly as a senior..singing with my choir at the assembly...and just an awesome school day. But today, I am going to face my foot and go to 2 of my friends birthday parties.
Wish me luck...
And I think this is proof that I am..
learningasigo.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Stop Multiplying!
I know, I know. It has been awhile. Well, I have been busy! But check out what I have achieved since school started..
1. PRESIDENT OF THE DRAMA CLUB!
2. TOP CHOIR SECRETARY!
3. SECRETARY OF ALL 4 CHOIRS!
4. and found out that my white blood cell count has risen yet again.
This usually means that they are fighting an infection, but of course, there are no infections to be found. What is that?! So lame.
So still no answers.
Anywho..
This year is scaring me. I feel like I am going to be expecting too much after I graduate. I can't afford to live in California. I can't assume I'm ready for a world full of fashion and makeup. I feel like, like I don't think it will work out. So many of my passions have been demolished these past few years that I don't know what to do anymore.
There are so many responsibilities and processes you have to go through as a senior and I feel like I'm going through enough already.
I'm trying to make weight watchers work, but I don't feel it working and I don't feel the drive that I used to. I'm trying, but, I'm not enjoying it..
Any advice? I would appreciate it.
-learningasigo
1. PRESIDENT OF THE DRAMA CLUB!
2. TOP CHOIR SECRETARY!
3. SECRETARY OF ALL 4 CHOIRS!
4. and found out that my white blood cell count has risen yet again.
This usually means that they are fighting an infection, but of course, there are no infections to be found. What is that?! So lame.
So still no answers.
Anywho..
This year is scaring me. I feel like I am going to be expecting too much after I graduate. I can't afford to live in California. I can't assume I'm ready for a world full of fashion and makeup. I feel like, like I don't think it will work out. So many of my passions have been demolished these past few years that I don't know what to do anymore.
There are so many responsibilities and processes you have to go through as a senior and I feel like I'm going through enough already.
I'm trying to make weight watchers work, but I don't feel it working and I don't feel the drive that I used to. I'm trying, but, I'm not enjoying it..
Any advice? I would appreciate it.
-learningasigo
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Me - 5 lbs. > My confidence. = Weight Watchers Works!
If you understood that math equation I tried so greatly to create, Yes! It has been done! I lost 5 pounds! Oh..wait for it, wait for it...
IN 1 WEEK! Yay! This gained my self confidence, hence the equation, which means that Weight Watchers really works!
I thought I had probably gained a pound at last nights meeting just because I haven't been on board. But, man oh man, it felt good when she said that I lost 5 pounds in 1 week. I almost never talk at meetings but at this one I felt really into it. Like I could relate and share my 18 point coffee stories. I feel like I belong now. :)
I know what a lot of people are saying. 'Durrrr 5 isn't that much, durrrr.'
Uhh, you carry a 5 pound weight and see how long it takes until your arm gets tired. Oh yeah! :)
Honestly, the different foods, the different portions, the exercise, it has all helped. Weight Watchers helped! It keeps you aware and you learn new habits. It's crazy but it is a great feeling and I am now even more motivated.
I couldn't be happier. :)
School starts up again in less than a week. I'm going to be a SENIOR! :D I am so excited to go sing and dance again in choir and lead the drama club as their new president! Class...not so excited for.
But I am glad because I think during school my weight loss will be greater because I'm dancing in choir everyday and not snacking as much, plus I am going to be working hopefully so I will have my mind set on other things as well.
I really am looking fore ward to this. I feel good. I wonderful. I feel like, this might actually get me somewhere...no surgery needed? We will see. Because, for a long time now, that is all I thought would work. I was interested in getting the Lap band which they just put around you to trick your stomach into being full and you lose the weight with diet and exercise over time.
I am still interested in that, but we will have to see where weight watchers takes me these next few months!
I cannot believe how amazing this all is. I gain a follower everytime I hop on here and I am really beginning to feel like I could change forever.
Senior year, HERE I COME!
I'm back, I'm ready, and I am..
-learningasigo :)
IN 1 WEEK! Yay! This gained my self confidence, hence the equation, which means that Weight Watchers really works!
I thought I had probably gained a pound at last nights meeting just because I haven't been on board. But, man oh man, it felt good when she said that I lost 5 pounds in 1 week. I almost never talk at meetings but at this one I felt really into it. Like I could relate and share my 18 point coffee stories. I feel like I belong now. :)
I know what a lot of people are saying. 'Durrrr 5 isn't that much, durrrr.'
Uhh, you carry a 5 pound weight and see how long it takes until your arm gets tired. Oh yeah! :)
Honestly, the different foods, the different portions, the exercise, it has all helped. Weight Watchers helped! It keeps you aware and you learn new habits. It's crazy but it is a great feeling and I am now even more motivated.
I couldn't be happier. :)
School starts up again in less than a week. I'm going to be a SENIOR! :D I am so excited to go sing and dance again in choir and lead the drama club as their new president! Class...not so excited for.
But I am glad because I think during school my weight loss will be greater because I'm dancing in choir everyday and not snacking as much, plus I am going to be working hopefully so I will have my mind set on other things as well.
I really am looking fore ward to this. I feel good. I wonderful. I feel like, this might actually get me somewhere...no surgery needed? We will see. Because, for a long time now, that is all I thought would work. I was interested in getting the Lap band which they just put around you to trick your stomach into being full and you lose the weight with diet and exercise over time.
I am still interested in that, but we will have to see where weight watchers takes me these next few months!
I cannot believe how amazing this all is. I gain a follower everytime I hop on here and I am really beginning to feel like I could change forever.
Senior year, HERE I COME!
I'm back, I'm ready, and I am..
-learningasigo :)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Who made up the word FAT anyway?
Who decided that FAT was going to be the negative word of the social vocabulary book?
Fat is just ugly. The word I mean. It's not fun to say, it's not a good way to look at it. It is not the way you should think of someone!
A wonderful and dear person in my life, my therapist [aka, my SAVIOR!] gave me a book to read titled Fat is a Feminist Issue...The Anti-Diet Guide to Permanent Weight Loss written by Susie Orbach. I just got the book maybe 2 hours ago and I'm not too far into it, but the book is amazing! The first page gives insightful information!
There was a specific section in the beginning I would like to share and just put out there for everyone to hear and understand.
'Overeating and obesity have been reduced to character defects, rather than perceived as the expression of painful and conflicting experiences.'
EXACTLY! Like hello!!!! I'm so tired of being looked at like I DID SOMETHING WRONG! LIKE I FAILED! LIKE I DON'T BELONG BECAUSE I HAVE MORE OF A STOMACH THAN YOU!!!
Like get with it people! I cannot stress this enough!
And I wish, I REALLY WISH, that some of the people who enjoy making fun of me and looking at me funny in school would read this and get it through their thick heads that I, and every other overweight woman out there IS JUST LIKE YOU BUT MORE HUMBLE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND LOVE AND APPRECIATION LIKE WE DO!
...that was my rant for the day.. If more ranting comes, do not be surprised.
The last quote I am going to give from this book is my favorite so far and everything I have ever though of being overweight is in this one statement.
'Fat is a social disease, and fat is a feminist issue. Fat is NOT about lack of self-control or lack of will power. Fat is about protection, sex, nurturing, strength, boundaries, mothering, substance, assertion, and rage.'
Yes...Yes it is GOSH DARN IT! [I would have said something more harsh if I didn't have family reading this ;)]
I just don't understand why I, at age 17, who has been through a lot in just a few years, has to be put down like I am..just for what I look like.
I don't want to be looked at like I failed. I don't want people to see me and say 'oh she failed because she didn't treat her body right' or something ridiculous. Feelings, and cluelessness, and self anger has led me to who I am. BUT, so has love, lessons, learning, creation, and meaning!
I'm a human being and I am tired of being looked at like I'm FAT. Because being fat is over! I will change this and I am inspired to change the world and to change what people see when they see the word FAT or a FAT person. This will end...And my end, begins now.
thank you...
and I really am..
-learningasigo
Fat is just ugly. The word I mean. It's not fun to say, it's not a good way to look at it. It is not the way you should think of someone!
A wonderful and dear person in my life, my therapist [aka, my SAVIOR!] gave me a book to read titled Fat is a Feminist Issue...The Anti-Diet Guide to Permanent Weight Loss written by Susie Orbach. I just got the book maybe 2 hours ago and I'm not too far into it, but the book is amazing! The first page gives insightful information!
There was a specific section in the beginning I would like to share and just put out there for everyone to hear and understand.
'Overeating and obesity have been reduced to character defects, rather than perceived as the expression of painful and conflicting experiences.'
EXACTLY! Like hello!!!! I'm so tired of being looked at like I DID SOMETHING WRONG! LIKE I FAILED! LIKE I DON'T BELONG BECAUSE I HAVE MORE OF A STOMACH THAN YOU!!!
Like get with it people! I cannot stress this enough!
And I wish, I REALLY WISH, that some of the people who enjoy making fun of me and looking at me funny in school would read this and get it through their thick heads that I, and every other overweight woman out there IS JUST LIKE YOU BUT MORE HUMBLE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND LOVE AND APPRECIATION LIKE WE DO!
...that was my rant for the day.. If more ranting comes, do not be surprised.
The last quote I am going to give from this book is my favorite so far and everything I have ever though of being overweight is in this one statement.
'Fat is a social disease, and fat is a feminist issue. Fat is NOT about lack of self-control or lack of will power. Fat is about protection, sex, nurturing, strength, boundaries, mothering, substance, assertion, and rage.'
Yes...Yes it is GOSH DARN IT! [I would have said something more harsh if I didn't have family reading this ;)]
I just don't understand why I, at age 17, who has been through a lot in just a few years, has to be put down like I am..just for what I look like.
I don't want to be looked at like I failed. I don't want people to see me and say 'oh she failed because she didn't treat her body right' or something ridiculous. Feelings, and cluelessness, and self anger has led me to who I am. BUT, so has love, lessons, learning, creation, and meaning!
I'm a human being and I am tired of being looked at like I'm FAT. Because being fat is over! I will change this and I am inspired to change the world and to change what people see when they see the word FAT or a FAT person. This will end...And my end, begins now.
thank you...
and I really am..
-learningasigo
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I'm just a trainwreck.
Why?
Why do the best things always have to end sometime or another? Why are there always a 'see you later' or 'goodbye' involved in the sweetest of gifts. Why can't the best things just remain.
For example, that boy up there with me, yeah the one to your left, thats my boyfriend. That one guy with the cool shirt is the best thing that ever walked into my life. He is the best person that I have ever talked to. And he...likes me?! What? I always ask myself..what does he see in me? I'm the weirdo with a blog about how nutty life is and how struggling weight is. I'm the weird girl who is so bright in front of friends but a wallflower around strangers. The only people who I can truly cry around is him and my mom. What could he see in me?
And he tells me everyday, that he just loves me, for me. ME! Like, finally! I have had SO many crushes and confused feelings about who I really am! I just about gave up for the rest of my high school career until he popped up on my facebook account..
This blog isn't to vent anything or to explain my exercise issues or my struggle to lose what I really hate about me. This is just..to talk. To kind of get everything out of the pit of my stomach.
I like kind of..talking to no one here. I like having to just say what I feel then not have anyone talking back or saying 'I know how you feel' because no one does. No one that I know of, knows exactly how it is to have everything they could ever ask for right in there arms..and have it hop on an airplane. December seems so far away. I guess I'm just so lucky to have open arms from family and friends. I know I will feel that way when I adjust back into the reality I've always had. It's just hard to do when all you've had for a whole month was a smile.
Anywho, I did my ritual today. Every single time I leave him or he leaves me, I dye my hair dark dark dark black. I feel ugly every time he is gone because I feel like a big part of me is gone. So, I change something. And it has always been my hair. I don't feel like I usually do when I have completed my hair anti-depression makeover. I still feel icky inside. That is the only way to describe it. I am just...icky.
I really wouldn't mind if I got some kind words in my comments for this blog. I think the nice things can rebuild me up and put some more smiles on my face.
Just to be me, I'm going to put up some of the pictures, kind of like a yearbook, of my times with Eian. Just to have something to look back on. Hope you guys like it.
Keep in touch..
Thanks for actually listening readers. Thank you so much.
-learningasigo [even though it's getting really hard..]
I love you babe. I miss you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
That dinner was how many points?!
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!
Ok, let me rephrase that.. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN ON VACATION! Pointing with Weight Watchers requires labels, and specific numbers. When you are out on the town eating whatever with who knows how many servings, it is truly impossible. Sooo, I am trying by best to be smart when it comes to food choices but...Starbucks without whip cream is like...STARBUCKS WITHOUT WHIP CREAM! It just cannot happen!!
Here is my advice for the Weight Watchers diet rant..
-If I'm going to do this right and successfully, then I will not go on vacation ever again. I'm worried about my moment of truth on monday night at the meeting. I don't want to gain or maintain this way my first week! It's hard! There are a lot of numbers to this and it isn't something to guesstimate. It's lame! When I get home, double the excersize and double the fruit! Bring it on!-
Anywho,
My vacation (besides the incorrect counting) has been wonderful! I am in paradise with my lovely family and my beloved boyfriend. It's everything I could ask for! A pool (good for the excersize as well as relaxing), a jacuzze (relaxing time with the man), an excersize room (that I've only been in 1 time), a starbucks (again, not good for the Weight Watching), the best shower ever!!!!, and all the virgin pina coladas I could ask for. I am going to my brand new home tomorrow to sign the lease with my family and that is super exciting.
I feel like it is the perfect time. New me, new goal, new food, why not a new house to go along with it?! I like change and this is gonna be big!
I am looking foreward to it.
You know what I am NOT looking foreward to?? My boy leaving me..He only has 2 more days here. It kills me inside thinking of a single moment without him. I'm going to walk into my den and when he isn't there playing his video games like I have grown so used to, I don't know what I will do. It's a shame that I don't really know anyone who has a long distance thing like I do. Because no one really understands what I go through but us two. All I do know is that the day he leaves, I wont be counting my ice cream points, and my hair will be very very very black (I dye my hair every time he leaves or I leave him. It's like an anti-depresant to change). It will be a hard day and just a warning, the blog that day wont be the happiest and most sarcastic.
Until then, I'm gonna go get starbucks with my babeeee, and try my best to say no to the whip cream. Wish me luck.
-learningasigo.
Ok, let me rephrase that.. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE WHEN ON VACATION! Pointing with Weight Watchers requires labels, and specific numbers. When you are out on the town eating whatever with who knows how many servings, it is truly impossible. Sooo, I am trying by best to be smart when it comes to food choices but...Starbucks without whip cream is like...STARBUCKS WITHOUT WHIP CREAM! It just cannot happen!!
Here is my advice for the Weight Watchers diet rant..
-If I'm going to do this right and successfully, then I will not go on vacation ever again. I'm worried about my moment of truth on monday night at the meeting. I don't want to gain or maintain this way my first week! It's hard! There are a lot of numbers to this and it isn't something to guesstimate. It's lame! When I get home, double the excersize and double the fruit! Bring it on!-
Anywho,
My vacation (besides the incorrect counting) has been wonderful! I am in paradise with my lovely family and my beloved boyfriend. It's everything I could ask for! A pool (good for the excersize as well as relaxing), a jacuzze (relaxing time with the man), an excersize room (that I've only been in 1 time), a starbucks (again, not good for the Weight Watching), the best shower ever!!!!, and all the virgin pina coladas I could ask for. I am going to my brand new home tomorrow to sign the lease with my family and that is super exciting.
I feel like it is the perfect time. New me, new goal, new food, why not a new house to go along with it?! I like change and this is gonna be big!
I am looking foreward to it.
You know what I am NOT looking foreward to?? My boy leaving me..He only has 2 more days here. It kills me inside thinking of a single moment without him. I'm going to walk into my den and when he isn't there playing his video games like I have grown so used to, I don't know what I will do. It's a shame that I don't really know anyone who has a long distance thing like I do. Because no one really understands what I go through but us two. All I do know is that the day he leaves, I wont be counting my ice cream points, and my hair will be very very very black (I dye my hair every time he leaves or I leave him. It's like an anti-depresant to change). It will be a hard day and just a warning, the blog that day wont be the happiest and most sarcastic.
Until then, I'm gonna go get starbucks with my babeeee, and try my best to say no to the whip cream. Wish me luck.
-learningasigo.
Monday, July 19, 2010
First Weight Watchers meeting, Check!
The first stop on the weight loss train has been done. Yes, that's right, I went to my very first EVER weight watchers meeting today! And here comes my rant of the blog. My Weight Watchers experience rant.
-If you are going to do ANY sort of diet, try Weight Watchers first! It is a diet that not only keeps the calories away from your tummy, but it teaches you life long lessons about measuring and how important portions and good choices are. That is the magnificent part of the process. It promises weight loss and consistency because you become immune to it (that is if you keep at it and stay focused). The simplicity of tracking points and counting easy numbers and KNOWING your limits is pretty much genius! I'm crazy excited to start Weight Watchers tomorrow (yes, tomorrow, because I just had a massive carne asada burrito that I do NOT want to put on my tracker) and start a new life. A healthier life. A happier, feeling better, more energized, less hungry, no more guilt feeling, more fulfilling LIFE! :)-
And there you go.
Now, this won't be easy for me. A lot of people don't know this, but, I'm not very good at limits. Well everyone knows that but I like to pretend they don't :)
Anywho, this whole thing will take dedication! Learning! Caution! Feeling! Instinct! AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS TELLING ME NOT TO EAT THAT!!!!
I'm serious! Those who know me, just, knock the food out of my hand if you have to. I will complain and say "oh just this one time to splurge! Just one time!" and you will say "THAT IS SOMETHING A CRACK ADDICT WOULD SAY! NO! NO! NO!" :)
Thank you to those who will actually do this.
Because I will need help and guidance and knowledge from those around me to give me a bigger reason to keep this up.
So now it begins! A whole new me! ( Well, starting tomorrow because my eyebrow appointment is tomorrow at 10..so, I will be a whole new me then. ;D) I will throw away all of the bad food and bad habits and THIS WILL WORK! WOOH! :D
Anywho, I am going to a fabulous resort tomorrow with the family and the food will be tempting, but I will blog everyday (yes I've said that before, but I really will this time!) and eat all the fruit I can.
I'm ready!
Stay in touch :)
-learningasigo
^and getting there :)
-If you are going to do ANY sort of diet, try Weight Watchers first! It is a diet that not only keeps the calories away from your tummy, but it teaches you life long lessons about measuring and how important portions and good choices are. That is the magnificent part of the process. It promises weight loss and consistency because you become immune to it (that is if you keep at it and stay focused). The simplicity of tracking points and counting easy numbers and KNOWING your limits is pretty much genius! I'm crazy excited to start Weight Watchers tomorrow (yes, tomorrow, because I just had a massive carne asada burrito that I do NOT want to put on my tracker) and start a new life. A healthier life. A happier, feeling better, more energized, less hungry, no more guilt feeling, more fulfilling LIFE! :)-
And there you go.
Now, this won't be easy for me. A lot of people don't know this, but, I'm not very good at limits. Well everyone knows that but I like to pretend they don't :)
Anywho, this whole thing will take dedication! Learning! Caution! Feeling! Instinct! AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS TELLING ME NOT TO EAT THAT!!!!
I'm serious! Those who know me, just, knock the food out of my hand if you have to. I will complain and say "oh just this one time to splurge! Just one time!" and you will say "THAT IS SOMETHING A CRACK ADDICT WOULD SAY! NO! NO! NO!" :)
Thank you to those who will actually do this.
Because I will need help and guidance and knowledge from those around me to give me a bigger reason to keep this up.
So now it begins! A whole new me! ( Well, starting tomorrow because my eyebrow appointment is tomorrow at 10..so, I will be a whole new me then. ;D) I will throw away all of the bad food and bad habits and THIS WILL WORK! WOOH! :D
Anywho, I am going to a fabulous resort tomorrow with the family and the food will be tempting, but I will blog everyday (yes I've said that before, but I really will this time!) and eat all the fruit I can.
I'm ready!
Stay in touch :)
-learningasigo
^and getting there :)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
What is this?! True Blood?!
Where do I begin with this blog? How about this. I went to the doctor..a few times...more than 1...and 4. Oh and btw, I got blood drawn. A few times. Like a vampire, constantly wanting more. I'm obviously SO addicting. My blood is just DRAWN to by these doctors, they just keep wanting more.
That was my rant of the blog.
But, anywho.
It's been a journey since I've come back home from my San Fran lover boy vacation. Full of doctors, needles, Starbucks hangovers, gluten confusion, and the gym. What a life I live. I, however, shouldn't be complaining [BUT I WILL!!] because I went to my mom's looney doctor with her, and I'm not the one begging for percoset. So I guess, it could be worse..kinda.
With my doc, however, SOOOO many unanswered questions that I wish would never pop up. Like, can you not tell me whats going on, cause, it's only confusing me more. My doctor mentions something about my blood cells being like apples and grapes, and that is all I really got out of her. So, I'm not the one to go to for information about my problems unless you want to hear that I am filled with a huge fruit salad and my blood loss is in more containers than in my body.
I have to get x-rays, and see specific blood doctors that I can't pronounce, and the journey continues. Bring on the Starbucks!! [White mocha frapp light w/ no whip], I'm trying my best at weight watchers.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING! My first ever weight watchers meeting in my whole life, WAS CANCELED! It's a sign!! That my weight wasn't gonna be good, or I shouldn't go at all [but I'm going to anyway, because I have to, for me. I keep telling myself that, it's not really working ;)].
Anywho.
Back to True Blood. I don't watch the show but I do know that the jars these doctors used on me, WERE FROM THE SHOW! The replica! This was just yesterday when I got my blood drawn, yet again, and again, oh and again. But this time, there was A TWIST! They took blood in jars, BIG jars. From both arms! At the SAME time! I looked like I was being nailed to the cross in 1800 B.C. and if anyone was curious, it does hurt.
If you read this whole thing, you are my best friend :) Because this blog is the best healer and my mom and I are laughing as I type. The following and the growing of people talking about my blog, is the BEST! I would be drawing more blood on myself if I didn't have this. Why you ask? Because then, I would die. Just like I feel every time I go into True Blood mode at the doctor.
I'm grateful for my doctors, SO grateful. But, could you use a little less blood?!
Keep in touch.
-learningasigo
That was my rant of the blog.
But, anywho.
It's been a journey since I've come back home from my San Fran lover boy vacation. Full of doctors, needles, Starbucks hangovers, gluten confusion, and the gym. What a life I live. I, however, shouldn't be complaining [BUT I WILL!!] because I went to my mom's looney doctor with her, and I'm not the one begging for percoset. So I guess, it could be worse..kinda.
With my doc, however, SOOOO many unanswered questions that I wish would never pop up. Like, can you not tell me whats going on, cause, it's only confusing me more. My doctor mentions something about my blood cells being like apples and grapes, and that is all I really got out of her. So, I'm not the one to go to for information about my problems unless you want to hear that I am filled with a huge fruit salad and my blood loss is in more containers than in my body.
I have to get x-rays, and see specific blood doctors that I can't pronounce, and the journey continues. Bring on the Starbucks!! [White mocha frapp light w/ no whip], I'm trying my best at weight watchers.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING! My first ever weight watchers meeting in my whole life, WAS CANCELED! It's a sign!! That my weight wasn't gonna be good, or I shouldn't go at all [but I'm going to anyway, because I have to, for me. I keep telling myself that, it's not really working ;)].
Anywho.
Back to True Blood. I don't watch the show but I do know that the jars these doctors used on me, WERE FROM THE SHOW! The replica! This was just yesterday when I got my blood drawn, yet again, and again, oh and again. But this time, there was A TWIST! They took blood in jars, BIG jars. From both arms! At the SAME time! I looked like I was being nailed to the cross in 1800 B.C. and if anyone was curious, it does hurt.
If you read this whole thing, you are my best friend :) Because this blog is the best healer and my mom and I are laughing as I type. The following and the growing of people talking about my blog, is the BEST! I would be drawing more blood on myself if I didn't have this. Why you ask? Because then, I would die. Just like I feel every time I go into True Blood mode at the doctor.
I'm grateful for my doctors, SO grateful. But, could you use a little less blood?!
Keep in touch.
-learningasigo
Sunday, July 11, 2010
My Bad..
Ehhh woopsy.
I haven't exactly been wringing too often. With the California thing and the boyfriend thing, ya know. I've been a little off. So, whats knew with me? Glad you asked!
My boy actually came back to Arizona with me! For 3 wholes weeks [2 weeks left]. YAY
I have been eating well and gluten free. Despite the fact that it is difficult and makes me want to slaughter a bread loaf sometimes, it hasn't been too harsh...Ok, I lied. You caught me. It sucks!!
But I'm living.
I got my OTHER vampire shot done and left yet ANOTHER bruise. But the tables have turned with this one. Why? Because it is on my LEFT arm, rather than the usual RIGHT arm. Man when I was getting my shot, I was like a fish out of water! I was chugging water hoping it would hydrate me and have the doctor find my veins at least a tad bit better. It did! That's right! Only 1 poke! IT'S A RECORD!
I feel the weight slowly being lost. I feel my pants getting a wee bit looser [but in all the wrong places] and I am doing MUCH better when it comes to work outs. I guess all the pain and suffering and stress it all causes comes out in my work out. I have no idea what I am doing and well, 15 minutes later I biked 20 some miles. I have also been swimming a lot, especially while my boy is here. Although I tend to get lost in his eyes at times, I try my best to swim and do some water cardio sometimes.
My first weight watchers meeting will be this monday. Which is exciting! I have a feeling that without the wheat option and with counting the points, my weight loss will go much faster and I will be a happy camper.
My family sold our home and we are packing up the house. It's a weird and fairly sad change but exciting at the same time. But the stress and rush of such a rapid change tends to make me want to pull my hair out. Thank god for my rather lazy state of mind or it would have been blown up by now :)
But overall, I'm sorry for not blogging as much and I will continue to write more and more. I will keep you posted about my first ever weight watchers meeting! WHOOP!
-learningasigo
I haven't exactly been wringing too often. With the California thing and the boyfriend thing, ya know. I've been a little off. So, whats knew with me? Glad you asked!
My boy actually came back to Arizona with me! For 3 wholes weeks [2 weeks left]. YAY
I have been eating well and gluten free. Despite the fact that it is difficult and makes me want to slaughter a bread loaf sometimes, it hasn't been too harsh...Ok, I lied. You caught me. It sucks!!
But I'm living.
I got my OTHER vampire shot done and left yet ANOTHER bruise. But the tables have turned with this one. Why? Because it is on my LEFT arm, rather than the usual RIGHT arm. Man when I was getting my shot, I was like a fish out of water! I was chugging water hoping it would hydrate me and have the doctor find my veins at least a tad bit better. It did! That's right! Only 1 poke! IT'S A RECORD!
I feel the weight slowly being lost. I feel my pants getting a wee bit looser [but in all the wrong places] and I am doing MUCH better when it comes to work outs. I guess all the pain and suffering and stress it all causes comes out in my work out. I have no idea what I am doing and well, 15 minutes later I biked 20 some miles. I have also been swimming a lot, especially while my boy is here. Although I tend to get lost in his eyes at times, I try my best to swim and do some water cardio sometimes.
My first weight watchers meeting will be this monday. Which is exciting! I have a feeling that without the wheat option and with counting the points, my weight loss will go much faster and I will be a happy camper.
My family sold our home and we are packing up the house. It's a weird and fairly sad change but exciting at the same time. But the stress and rush of such a rapid change tends to make me want to pull my hair out. Thank god for my rather lazy state of mind or it would have been blown up by now :)
But overall, I'm sorry for not blogging as much and I will continue to write more and more. I will keep you posted about my first ever weight watchers meeting! WHOOP!
-learningasigo
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Living Gluten Free
Hello World,
It's been quite some time since I last wrote. I have been in Walnut Creek with my lovely boyfran and his family. They are treating me very well and they are very hospitable. :)
Today was my first adventure as a true gluten free human being! We googled up some G-free bakeries and came across one. We drove into the town of Berkley [which has a STUNNING school, btw!] and found an adorable hidden bakery filled with G-free stuff! I got pizza, cupcakes, breads, pastries, etc! We made the pizza and it was fantastic! I could get used to this easily.
Weight watchers has been alright for me so far. I don't feel quite on the wagon yet. I have been smarter about portions and exactly what I am putting into my body. I know I haven't gone over my points but being without any help and not having the proper calculating tools tends to make it more difficult.
I know I will be much better at that when I return home in 2 weeks.
I will attempt to post more than I have while I am here :)
Stay in touch!
-learningasigo
It's been quite some time since I last wrote. I have been in Walnut Creek with my lovely boyfran and his family. They are treating me very well and they are very hospitable. :)
Today was my first adventure as a true gluten free human being! We googled up some G-free bakeries and came across one. We drove into the town of Berkley [which has a STUNNING school, btw!] and found an adorable hidden bakery filled with G-free stuff! I got pizza, cupcakes, breads, pastries, etc! We made the pizza and it was fantastic! I could get used to this easily.
Weight watchers has been alright for me so far. I don't feel quite on the wagon yet. I have been smarter about portions and exactly what I am putting into my body. I know I haven't gone over my points but being without any help and not having the proper calculating tools tends to make it more difficult.
I know I will be much better at that when I return home in 2 weeks.
I will attempt to post more than I have while I am here :)
Stay in touch!
-learningasigo
Thursday, June 17, 2010
My Farewell to Phoenix :D
Hello World,
And goodbye Phoenix!! I'm leaving for 2 1/2 lovely weeks to be with the main man. Yup, out in the big city of San Fran with my other family.
I just want to say goodbye to all those people who tell me "DON'T EAT THAT!" and "YOU'RE ON A DIET, REMEMBER?!"
Yeahh, I don't know how I will make it without your constant choice changing words/yells. :)
I will keep track of points, I pinky swear! And I will make smart choices even though many will not be around me.
Although I will not have the company of my gym, I will be working out as much as I can. Oh yeah, I'm on a roll! [without butter!] <-- smart cookie! [Sugar free!] ;)
I'm such a nerd...
Anywho..
I will be sending text messages to friends asking "What are the points for this?" and "Should I eat this?" Oh yeah, it's like I'm not even gone.
So, dear Phoenix, I hope you enjoy the heat and cacti and I will see you soon!
I will be posting from my new location tons! :)
Stay posted!
-learningasigo
And goodbye Phoenix!! I'm leaving for 2 1/2 lovely weeks to be with the main man. Yup, out in the big city of San Fran with my other family.
I just want to say goodbye to all those people who tell me "DON'T EAT THAT!" and "YOU'RE ON A DIET, REMEMBER?!"
Yeahh, I don't know how I will make it without your constant choice changing words/yells. :)
I will keep track of points, I pinky swear! And I will make smart choices even though many will not be around me.
Although I will not have the company of my gym, I will be working out as much as I can. Oh yeah, I'm on a roll! [without butter!] <-- smart cookie! [Sugar free!] ;)
I'm such a nerd...
Anywho..
I will be sending text messages to friends asking "What are the points for this?" and "Should I eat this?" Oh yeah, it's like I'm not even gone.
So, dear Phoenix, I hope you enjoy the heat and cacti and I will see you soon!
I will be posting from my new location tons! :)
Stay posted!
-learningasigo
Monday, June 14, 2010
44 Views! :D
I'm incredibly happy that my 3 followers and 6 views went up to 11 followers and 44 views. I'm getting somewhere here! :)
I just want to say you have NO IDEA what the kind words do to me. It keeps me going with this and it makes me feel like I have to do this, and not just for me.
I don't want this to sound like a thank you speech at the Tony Awards [which were fabulous last night btw] so I'm going to just say, thank you everyone who keeps me going. There are a lot of you and I am greatful for each of you!
I'm leaving in just 4 days [ha, goes well with the 44 views ;)] and I pinky swear to myself I will keep my diet on. I even bought myself a points planner for keeping track when I am on vacation!
I will be updating from here as much as I can and I am OOBER [yes, oober, don't judge] excited and motivated!
-learningasigo
p.s. Tell your friends of my blog :)
I just want to say you have NO IDEA what the kind words do to me. It keeps me going with this and it makes me feel like I have to do this, and not just for me.
I don't want this to sound like a thank you speech at the Tony Awards [which were fabulous last night btw] so I'm going to just say, thank you everyone who keeps me going. There are a lot of you and I am greatful for each of you!
I'm leaving in just 4 days [ha, goes well with the 44 views ;)] and I pinky swear to myself I will keep my diet on. I even bought myself a points planner for keeping track when I am on vacation!
I will be updating from here as much as I can and I am OOBER [yes, oober, don't judge] excited and motivated!
-learningasigo
p.s. Tell your friends of my blog :)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
There Aren't Many People Who..
-There aren't many people who sing to get the feelings away.
-There aren't many people who would rather sit in her room in the dark and play tetris until 5 in the morning.
-There aren't many people who have never done drugs/smokes/drank in their life.
-There aren't many people who listen to the Avatar and Titanic playlist rather than the rap and hip hop.
-There aren't many people who love their parents more than there social life.
-There aren't many people who savor each moment.
-There aren't many people who only has the option to text or call someone they love so much.
-There aren't many people who choose wisely.
-There aren't many people who own specific items that remind them of a particular human being, or moment in time.
-There aren't many people who laugh at the stupidest things, even months after they happen.
-There aren't many people who would rather sit down and do a 542 page word search than go to the latest party.
-There aren't many people who see struggle in ones life, or take the time to see it.
-There aren't many people who care for others before themselves.
-There aren't many people who say 'I love you' to their parents each night.
-There aren't many people who can control their anger.
-There aren't many people who cry more about happy things than sad.
-There aren't many people who see the glass as half full.
-There aren't many people who understand this kind of person..
And there is no one on this earth, like me.
-There aren't many people who would rather sit in her room in the dark and play tetris until 5 in the morning.
-There aren't many people who have never done drugs/smokes/drank in their life.
-There aren't many people who listen to the Avatar and Titanic playlist rather than the rap and hip hop.
-There aren't many people who love their parents more than there social life.
-There aren't many people who savor each moment.
-There aren't many people who only has the option to text or call someone they love so much.
-There aren't many people who choose wisely.
-There aren't many people who own specific items that remind them of a particular human being, or moment in time.
-There aren't many people who laugh at the stupidest things, even months after they happen.
-There aren't many people who would rather sit down and do a 542 page word search than go to the latest party.
-There aren't many people who see struggle in ones life, or take the time to see it.
-There aren't many people who care for others before themselves.
-There aren't many people who say 'I love you' to their parents each night.
-There aren't many people who can control their anger.
-There aren't many people who cry more about happy things than sad.
-There aren't many people who see the glass as half full.
-There aren't many people who understand this kind of person..
And there is no one on this earth, like me.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Why Mango? Why?
Hello World,
Here is my little advice for day day..
These puppies..
Evil. Do not eat too much of these orange-yellow ovals of beauty or you will regret it!
I was on a role today when it comes to food!
Breakfast: 1 apple and 1 oz. of low fat brie cheese [yum!]
Lunch: A premade salad from Trader Joes
No dinner yet but I figured mangoes would be a lovely snack. NOPE! Kind of killed me, and I use minor sarcasm in that statement, but really killed me!
Curce you fiber and sugars and all fruits with tummy-issue-making problems!
That was my rant for the day.
WHAT IS NEW IN ALEXA'S WORLD??
Funny you should ask! Some minor changed have been made when it comes to seeing eachother this summer. Instead of him coming here I am going there for 2 and a half weeks. I leave in a week from today, but I will remain blogging though! :)
This does mean, however, I will have to miss my FIRST weight watchers meeting! And the one after that!, AND the one after that!
Luckily, I have a mother over the phone who is on the diet and she is the one I will call if I need point numbers. I am going to make my own little point book for the trip and keep track. It is sad but I think my main man is worth it :D
Overall, it has been a great few days, I HAVE GROWN MORE FOLLOWERS! THANKS MOMMY! :D
And it has just been nice. Worked out with my friend for HOURS yesterday and didn't eat too much so, yeah, I am slowly getting somewhere with only minor [major] pain!
How freakin fabulous!
Thank you for all the support I have been getting and tell all of your friends! :)
-learningasigo :)
Here is my little advice for day day..
These puppies..
Evil. Do not eat too much of these orange-yellow ovals of beauty or you will regret it!
I was on a role today when it comes to food!
Breakfast: 1 apple and 1 oz. of low fat brie cheese [yum!]
Lunch: A premade salad from Trader Joes
No dinner yet but I figured mangoes would be a lovely snack. NOPE! Kind of killed me, and I use minor sarcasm in that statement, but really killed me!
Curce you fiber and sugars and all fruits with tummy-issue-making problems!
That was my rant for the day.
WHAT IS NEW IN ALEXA'S WORLD??
Funny you should ask! Some minor changed have been made when it comes to seeing eachother this summer. Instead of him coming here I am going there for 2 and a half weeks. I leave in a week from today, but I will remain blogging though! :)
This does mean, however, I will have to miss my FIRST weight watchers meeting! And the one after that!, AND the one after that!
Luckily, I have a mother over the phone who is on the diet and she is the one I will call if I need point numbers. I am going to make my own little point book for the trip and keep track. It is sad but I think my main man is worth it :D
Overall, it has been a great few days, I HAVE GROWN MORE FOLLOWERS! THANKS MOMMY! :D
And it has just been nice. Worked out with my friend for HOURS yesterday and didn't eat too much so, yeah, I am slowly getting somewhere with only minor [major] pain!
How freakin fabulous!
Thank you for all the support I have been getting and tell all of your friends! :)
-learningasigo :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Oy Vey, I don't want to give this up..
Hello World,
Well it has been an odd day. Woke up forced to starve myself because I had to go draw blood, which brings me back to genetics. Another fabulous gift I have gotten from the gene pool would be my itty bitty minuscule veins giving from my mother. I actually cried in the chair sitting there! THEY DIG! They actually dig inside you to find the tiny vein that barely exits! They might as well have gotten a shovel and treated my skin and pores like sand because that is pretty much how it felt.
Anywho, It was then that really worried me. I do NOT want to have to give blood the rest of my life hoping my cholesterol is not increasing and wishing my white blood cells are still in tact. I don't just want this change, I need this change.
So in my mind, this would be me.
I am confident that this change could stop the worries in my life that could possibly ruin my future.
However..there is one issue. I have to give up something that always seems to make my day better. Something that calms me down but wakes me up..yes..I have to give up...
My Venti Caramel Macchiato... :(
Wayyyy too many points when it comes to weight watchers that it is practically a meal!
THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN FOLLOWERS!
I need your help!
What is the best thing on the starbucks menu that could cure my loss?
Your help could be the best thing that ever happened to me. :)
Thank you so much!
-learningasigo :)
Well it has been an odd day. Woke up forced to starve myself because I had to go draw blood, which brings me back to genetics. Another fabulous gift I have gotten from the gene pool would be my itty bitty minuscule veins giving from my mother. I actually cried in the chair sitting there! THEY DIG! They actually dig inside you to find the tiny vein that barely exits! They might as well have gotten a shovel and treated my skin and pores like sand because that is pretty much how it felt.
Anywho, It was then that really worried me. I do NOT want to have to give blood the rest of my life hoping my cholesterol is not increasing and wishing my white blood cells are still in tact. I don't just want this change, I need this change.
So in my mind, this would be me.
I am confident that this change could stop the worries in my life that could possibly ruin my future.
However..there is one issue. I have to give up something that always seems to make my day better. Something that calms me down but wakes me up..yes..I have to give up...
My Venti Caramel Macchiato... :(
Wayyyy too many points when it comes to weight watchers that it is practically a meal!
THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN FOLLOWERS!
I need your help!
What is the best thing on the starbucks menu that could cure my loss?
Your help could be the best thing that ever happened to me. :)
Thank you so much!
-learningasigo :)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
My Life Stuff..Yes, Stuff
Hello World,
So this blog here, is to tell you all about my stuff, meaning baggage. What it is that is on my back and exactly how I am living. I want my readers to know about me and try to understand things through my wacky perspective. I live in the lovely desert land of Phoenix, Arizona where the cactus grow. I live with a lovely Jewish family where the ancestors roam all around the valley. I have a lovely mother, a tall father, and a little sister who is starting high school this year...so I'm watching the hormones grow.
If there is one thing I could say about my family is it is very different..like most families we have a uniqueness about us. (is that a word? Uniqueness?) Anywho, I had the pleasure of taking in my dear families genetics. I know sarcasm is not well taken in writing but let me tell you, that sentence was pure sarcasm. We are all cute little round people who just love food, so I was bound to take it. There are also a lot of medical problems from the generations before me. My fear is that I am bound to get these things if I do not make a change in my life. Diabetes and diseases are not something to look foreward to in the future.
I have a wonderful boyfriend. I'm going to call him Oscar (I will not be using any real names in my blogs, just in case). He happens to live approx. 1100 miles away. How stinky is that fact? We have been going strong and he is most certainly a huge part of my life. I have only seen him 3 times in 11 months but we are making it work. He means so much to me and he supports me no matter what I do. Which brings me to my mother.
She has suffered greatly and has gone through a lot when it comes to weight and body issues but she always come through and is an inspiration to me. To anyone reading, love your mom and listen to her. She knows more than you think :)
Anywho, on to friends. A lot of my friends are gay and fabulous, I'm an actress, what do you expect? I have some great people in my life who I just love with all my heart. I am surrounded by great people. The thing is, they are all gorgeous! Rock solid bodies, beautiful clothes, endless possibilities, and I'm not going to lie, I'm totally jealous.
I want to feel the confidence they do when they look in the mirror. The great part, is that it is not cocky, it is just confidence and that is beautiful.
I think you pretty much know everything! The diet starts tomorrow. Right after I finish my delish burrito sitting in the fridge calling my name. :)
-learningasigo :)
So this blog here, is to tell you all about my stuff, meaning baggage. What it is that is on my back and exactly how I am living. I want my readers to know about me and try to understand things through my wacky perspective. I live in the lovely desert land of Phoenix, Arizona where the cactus grow. I live with a lovely Jewish family where the ancestors roam all around the valley. I have a lovely mother, a tall father, and a little sister who is starting high school this year...so I'm watching the hormones grow.
If there is one thing I could say about my family is it is very different..like most families we have a uniqueness about us. (is that a word? Uniqueness?) Anywho, I had the pleasure of taking in my dear families genetics. I know sarcasm is not well taken in writing but let me tell you, that sentence was pure sarcasm. We are all cute little round people who just love food, so I was bound to take it. There are also a lot of medical problems from the generations before me. My fear is that I am bound to get these things if I do not make a change in my life. Diabetes and diseases are not something to look foreward to in the future.
I have a wonderful boyfriend. I'm going to call him Oscar (I will not be using any real names in my blogs, just in case). He happens to live approx. 1100 miles away. How stinky is that fact? We have been going strong and he is most certainly a huge part of my life. I have only seen him 3 times in 11 months but we are making it work. He means so much to me and he supports me no matter what I do. Which brings me to my mother.
She has suffered greatly and has gone through a lot when it comes to weight and body issues but she always come through and is an inspiration to me. To anyone reading, love your mom and listen to her. She knows more than you think :)
Anywho, on to friends. A lot of my friends are gay and fabulous, I'm an actress, what do you expect? I have some great people in my life who I just love with all my heart. I am surrounded by great people. The thing is, they are all gorgeous! Rock solid bodies, beautiful clothes, endless possibilities, and I'm not going to lie, I'm totally jealous.
I want to feel the confidence they do when they look in the mirror. The great part, is that it is not cocky, it is just confidence and that is beautiful.
I think you pretty much know everything! The diet starts tomorrow. Right after I finish my delish burrito sitting in the fridge calling my name. :)
-learningasigo :)
My Mission To Change-Meet Me
Hello World,
This is my first blog ever and my first experience documenting my changing process. What exactly is the change? Let me explain.
I am a 17 year old high school student who is overweight. I am active in my drama club as next years president and I am in the advanced choir at my school. I love my life massively. I am, however, very type casted and I am hardly ever in the front and I believe it is due to my weight. It is looked down upon and it is embarrassing being the only big girl involved. I am known as the overweight old lady because, well, that is all I have ever been in plays...The old lady..not so fabulous. So, I'm ready to change! I joined Bally's Total Fitness, talked to my doctor, and joined weight watchers.
My reasons for blogging is because I have to document everything I do on my new lifestyle-changing diet. I'm not the most motivated person in this world so I made it a motivation to tell others. I'm hoping that my story can impact others and I want to show that even the impossible is completely possible!
I will write as much as I can and each week I will post what the outcome was. I will not say my weight on here but I will say what I lost and how I did it. I will also use this almost as if it were my own little diary. Vent about friends, struggles, stress, school, and everything else young girls go through.
You have no idea how excited I am for this! I feel like this blog will bring me to a great success and will motivate me to keep going.
My diet plan goes for 6 months and then hopefully longer after that, so bear with me, it will be a crazy journey. It will be a mission I have always found impossible.
My mission, to change.
-Learningasigo :)
This is my first blog ever and my first experience documenting my changing process. What exactly is the change? Let me explain.
I am a 17 year old high school student who is overweight. I am active in my drama club as next years president and I am in the advanced choir at my school. I love my life massively. I am, however, very type casted and I am hardly ever in the front and I believe it is due to my weight. It is looked down upon and it is embarrassing being the only big girl involved. I am known as the overweight old lady because, well, that is all I have ever been in plays...The old lady..not so fabulous. So, I'm ready to change! I joined Bally's Total Fitness, talked to my doctor, and joined weight watchers.
My reasons for blogging is because I have to document everything I do on my new lifestyle-changing diet. I'm not the most motivated person in this world so I made it a motivation to tell others. I'm hoping that my story can impact others and I want to show that even the impossible is completely possible!
I will write as much as I can and each week I will post what the outcome was. I will not say my weight on here but I will say what I lost and how I did it. I will also use this almost as if it were my own little diary. Vent about friends, struggles, stress, school, and everything else young girls go through.
You have no idea how excited I am for this! I feel like this blog will bring me to a great success and will motivate me to keep going.
My diet plan goes for 6 months and then hopefully longer after that, so bear with me, it will be a crazy journey. It will be a mission I have always found impossible.
My mission, to change.
-Learningasigo :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)