Final thoughts before I start a new chapter in my mission.

Today is the day. I went through 4 years to get here. I have my cap and gown. I have the hair made. I have when and where memorized. It's finally here. I'm graduating tonight. And my god, what a year it's been. I was looking back at my old posts in my mission to change. And I have truly changed. With that being said, I wanted to put a few of my thoughts down for my readers.

1. I'm SO much stronger then I was at the beginning of the year. I was sad all the time and didn't believe I had any self worth. I was the fat girl in my advanced choir. I was the odd one out. I was type casted. I am NOW so much stronger and so much wiser. I've talked to people I wouldn't normally talk to. This blog helped me put myself out there and be heard. No one knew who I was underneath, and now they do and now I am not afraid to share.

2. I have become a better person. I've inspired people! That is something I never would have thought I could do. I have people calling me their hero because not many people can write down everything they think and feel for the whole world to read. The most stunning and popular girls at school tell me I'm beautiful and that they look up to me! Just knowing that I'm making a difference, not only to myself, but to others is the most amazing feeling.

3. I'm no longer afraid of the future. I was scared out of my mind thinking I had to move on from that comfortable spot of being in the background the whole time. Now, I crave spotlight and attention and expressing myself. I'm not afraid of what the world and college have to offer me anymore.

4. I'm more confident in myself. I always saw the stunning thin popular girls walking through the halls everyday and I wanted to be one SO badly. I wanted to be seen as beautiful to other people. I couldn't believe that anyone found me remotely attractive. Now, I do feel beautiful. I feel different in clothes. I feel different when people look at me. I'M GETTING HIT ON IN TARGET!! I never thought this would be me! I used to be afraid to go to the gym because people would have to look at my fat ugly body, now I don't give a crap because going helped me lose 50 pounds!

5. And lastly. My final thought is I don't know what I will do next year without high school. I'm in LOVE with high school and it's breaking up with me. My best friends. My hobbies. All my laughter and smiles come from school. And tonight, it hands be a letter saying you've moved on. I will never see most of these people again. They will never see me again. We will move on to bigger things. I will never see him again..
I will miss it so much.

High school and the people in it changed me. There is one thing I love more then high school. I'm a new Alexa and I'm madly in love with her. I've never once been happy about who I am. Now, I look in the mirror and I finally don't want to look away. I'm finally happy.
And I have high school, friends, family, the gym, and so much more to thank!
I've finally gotten there.

HOWEVER! It doesn't stop here. My mission is still going and I'm going to lose more weight this summer and a whole new chapter of my life, and of my mission to change is beginning.
BRING IT ON WORLD! I'm a new Alexa Loren Starky.

-Alexa Starky.

End of chapter 1 of my new life. End of chapter one of my mission to change.

Crap... Withdrawal.

I blame the little corner of my mind that believes I'm bipolar.
But, all the good that's happened has made me such a great person and a happier person.

But there will always be that one day right?
That one day where you beat yourself up thinking things could have been even more different. That one day where you see the glass as half empty.

The day where you think you could have had the guy if you were smaller. You could have gone to prom. You could have fit in that dress. You could have been even happier in high school.
Everyone goes through it, don't tell me it will pass. I know it will.

But days like this suck. I really like someone, and they will never know.. because deep down, I'm still scared and insecure. And I'm still too big in some peoples eyes.
I think I'm pretty. Strong. Confident. I'm doing a lot better.

Why can't some others see that sometimes?..

Just having a day.. Needed to write it down.

Hopefully I will feel better come Thursday, when I graduate, and I can heal the wound some have left. It's healing slowly... Just need a bigger band aid.
Motivation and love please?

-Alexa Starky

still learning as I go..

This Is It.

The waking up at 6 in the morning. The tests. The questions. The excitement of seeing your faces everyday. The feeling I get when I see you every morning. The laughs with friends I've had for years. My presidency. My choir. High school is over. I graduate in 4 days. I had my last concert, I had my incredibly choir banquet. And I had my very last drama banquet.
I made a speech all about my mission to change and hit me how much this blog and me writing has changed my life. All the support and love I've been getting has put me in such a great place.
Putting myself out there, writing down what I feel inside, it scared me at first. I wasn't sure about it, but I've inspired myself and others.
I've lost weight and I love my new self. I put jeans on today I haven't put on since freshman year. I put my hair up. I'm able to talk about personal issues and not be afraid. I'm going out with people and talking to people I wouldn't have before.

I'm about to graduate. This is the end. It's over.
But it is also only the beginning. A new book in my series of life.

In the end, the beginning began.

-Alexa Starky

It's OVER!!

High school is over! No more classes! Graduation on Thursday. It's here and it's real! I can't even believe it!
Today was so incredible and emotional.

I will always have my incredible memories of high school and who it made me become. The people who kept me motivated. The people who hurt me who only made me stronger. Sure I will have my regrets. Like not telling you how I feel... but I will make this the best last few days with these people.

I adored high school. I can't believe it is over.

I will miss it more then anything.
Tonight and tomorrow are my banquets, and man oh man, bring on the water works! ;)

<3 It went by so fast..

-Alexa Starky

Singing For Good at my last choir concert.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUeQgto5DF8


This was my first and last solo at Shadow Mountain High School. We were crying our eyes out and had all the seniors sitting on stage listening to us. It was and forever will be the best night of my high school life. I have been changed for good.

My Senior Drama Club Scholarship Essay Question.

This was important to me and I really wanted me readers to see how my last 4 years have changed me. I turned this essay in today. I will let you know if I receive any scholarships due to it. Enjoy.



The essay question given is what skills have I learned from being involved in theater that I will take with me in the future? Theater has taught me so much about living that I would have never gotten anywhere else. In the average academic classroom, I have learned math equations, how to write a thesis statement, and how to dissect a rat. In theater, I learned how to live. When I walked into high school I was shy and scared and didn’t have any sort of a personality what-so-ever. I was alone in a huge world with no clue what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to put out there what talent I had. I felt like I didn’t have a voice and this was only my first day of my high school experience. The very first day of high school I lost hope in myself on ever becoming something special.
Then I walked into my 3rd hour drama class with Mr. Flowers. I was scared out of my mind. I always knew I could be comfortable on stage because I was forced to be. Being given what to say and who to be was easy for me. I was comfortable being anyone but myself so I figured I would be ok in this class. Mr. Flowers, however, taught me so much more than just how to say lines. I learned to take risks and speak out and have a voice. After the first few days I could feel myself getting stronger, bolder, happier, which was all very new to me. I felt confident for the first time in a long time. With that being said, I auditioned for the fall show Out of the Frying Pan. One of my favorite memories of high school was seeing my name on that cast list. I was 1 out of 2 freshmen who made the show. I created friendships as well as a soul. I have a feeling that if I had never auditioned for that show I would not have became the person I am today.
That is where it all began. After that show, I took more and more risks like auditioning for the musical and running for council which I am proud to say I was in for 3 years in a row. Mr. Flowers kept me going and kept me motivated to give ideas and try new things and create new traditions, all things I never could do before. Theater taught me how to invent and it showed me that I am a unique human being who can do anything. English, math, and science helped me learn new things by being told, but theater taught me how to learn things by inventing on my own. It brought a skill into my life that created a new Alexa Starky.
I am proud to say that theater has helped me figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I want to stage manage and create shows and make the stage come to life in new and exciting ways like I have done in high school the past 4 glorious years. Now, the question was what skills will I take with me into my future career? I will take the ability to create and mold the small things in my mind and make all those thoughts and ideas a reality. Theater taught me how to shine and be bold and brave and I am taking every single aspect of those things with me in the future. Theater in school helped me paint pictures in my mind of what I want my life to look like and I know I have the Shadow Mountain Drama Club to thank for that.

A new before and after!

A picture is worth a thousand words. Tell me what you think! :)

Best Night Of My Life.

My choir concert was without a doubt the best night of my life. It started stressful but man oh man, it was all worth it. I felt different. I looked different. And I got my very first solo.
It was the greatest feeling in the whole wide world.

I still can't believe it is all almost over. And just how far I've come.
It's incredible.
Hopefully I will have a video soon of my song I did to put on here!
I will write more soon.

Last week of high school! It's about to get crazy!

I'm finally at that place.

I only have a week and a half left of high school.
I feel like I've finally hit that place. The place where I'm at peace with myself.
The place where I feel more comfortable. The place where I can be myself, and like it. I have never, and I mean NEVER, been at that place in my whole life.

I've always hated myself because I felt like I failed myself. I felt like I let myself go. I let myself down.
I was bullied all my life. I was looked down upon. People told me in elementary school that I shook the bus. I was bullied, I was insecure, I didn't feel safe in myself. I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt that way. And I kept it hidden all my life. I didn't tell people I was sad or hurt. I didn't tell people that I hate who I sit next to in science because they make fun of my weight. I felt alone all my life. I was type casted all my life. I felt ugly until age 18.

I finally woke up. I went to a doctor to try and get surgery because I became desperate. I was so depressed and needed a way out. She told me to keep track of what I do and to work at losing weight before going under the knife. So I wrote a blog. I wrote my first entry of my mission to change. And that day, I became a new person.
I've lost almost 50 pounds, you guys. I'm so close.

I love going to the gym. I love treating myself well. I love hearing the feedback. I know I'm doing this for all the right reasons because I hear it from you guys and I hear it in myself. I'm not afraid of me anymore. I'm not afraid of speaking my mind and saying how I feel.
And I encourage everyone, all of my readers, to do the same. It changed me for the better. I've never felt happiness like this in my whole life. I've never loved myself like this.

And I have to thank my readers. From the bottom of my heart. I couldn't have done this without your motivation. I'd like to thank my family, for never giving up on me. For supporting me. And for always giving me advice.

Last but not least, I'd like to thank those who hurt me in the past. Those who bullied me and made me hurt. Because you made me SO incredibly strong. And I've learned.

Thank you. So much :)
Lets keep this mission going, shall we? :)

-Alexa Starky

And in the end..

Alexa did NOT go to prom.

Am I regretting? Nah. Am I curious about what would have happened if I had gone? Sure. Who wouldn't? But that night I did have fun with family and it was not a bummer at all.

But overall, I've been happy. I'm still going to the gym. Fitting into my clothes a little better now. Buying clothes and shoes and such that I would not have bought 40 pounds ago. I just feel better and I'm starting to finally see what everyone has been talking about when looking in the mirror.

And tonight I dyed my hair dark dark brown. Figured another small change wouldn't hurt anyone.

I only have 10 more school days left of my high school career. CRAZY THOUGHT! I can't believe it's over! And my last choir concert ever is this Friday. It's going to be an emotional last few weeks. So much has changed for me. In my life, and in myself.
Couldn't be more pleased.

-Alexa Starky

3 down? Really? Yes!

Just HAD to say, lost 3 pounds and haven't gone to the gym in a week due to the musical.
That's a good thing! Haha.
Definitely thought I had gained and that I would have been disappointed.

I'm really trying to focus on myself and love myself. It's hard to do when it's all you think about.
But it's a work in progress, and I know that.

-Alexa Starky

This is going to be a long one.

Alright readers. If there is 1 single week where you might question whether or not I am bipolar, would have been this week.
Lets start at the beginning. As most know, I didn't have the best part in our spring musical. And being president of the club and in most of the shows, I took it bitterly. I didn't enjoy a lot of my time there and I wanted it to be over. Well. Then show week comes around and all of the sudden it hits me. It's all over. Everything I am, everything I know. It's over!
Every year we have circle. Which is when all the seniors talk right before the last show. When it was my turn, waterfalls fell out of my eyes. It's crazy just how far I've gotten the past few months especially. I've become a new person this year and I could tell.
I was sad, frustrated, happy, excited, anxious, exhausted, hyper, and so much more all in like, 4 days!
I haven't been going to the gym this week because of the show. So, I will be getting back on that ball game starting this week.

Also, I've been talking to people I never thought I'd get close to. I'm taking chances, meeting people, trying to gain that confidence in myself I never thought I would have. I've laughed WAY too many times this week and I've gained so many great memories. This was a show I have learned from and will never forget.

Graduation is just around the corner for me. But before that I have to worry about some other stuff. Senior recital is tomorrow. I will be singing and hopefully will have it recorded to put on my blog! Then I have to worry about thespian inductions and training. Being president of the drama club I have to get that stuff done and working. Then I have to worry about banquet where I will be wearing water proof eye liner because I will be in tears the whole time most likely. Then my choir concert where I am grateful enough to be singing with my incredible choir and singing a duet with an incredible friend. THEN, I graduate! :)

I was busy this weekend house sitting for my moms friend and it was like my own vacation. I was with 2 stunning golden retrievers and had peace for a bit. It gave me time to think and just be. Which I really needed. It was like therapy. :)

There will be a lot going on and I'm going to try to make it a good experience for me.
I know this was a long blog. But a lot is going on and I'm excited to see where it all takes me! Back to the gym to see if I can lost more weight before all the upcoming stuff! Keep in touch!

-Alexa Starky