That picture is kind of what I'm feeling right now. PURE STRESS.
I don't think I've ever had a worse week in my life.
1st : I find out that there is not a single answer to my white blood cell count constantly increasing. They KEEP telling me to not worry about it and that we need to try more things. NOT WORRY ABOUT IT?! How can you tell me that I'm supposed to be at a 10,000 count and it is at 16,000?! How am I supposed to remain calm about something like that with no answers?!?!?!?!?!?
2nd: I find out I can't get my lap band surgery... Why? Because people keep asking for it and my stupid ass insurance doesn't want to spend the money to save people from their fat bodies... I can't keep looking in the mirror and seeing this.. Knowing that they can't help me tears me apart. It was my answer. It was my way out. It was my help and my guide to a better life. And they shut it all down with 1 phone call.. I cannot even explain how STRESSFUL that is.
3rd: Apparently because I work hard and do everything and am so dedicated to a specific thing, I don't get rewarded...because I'm so busy. WTF?! Is that even a logical statement? Because I'm busy doing everything for a specific someone (not going to give detail due to the people reading this) I don't get rewarded... I don't see anything right with those words. I work so hard to be the best at something. It's something that not a lot of over weight girls do. I'm in the Advanced Choir. I'm the heaviest one in there. Like that isn't weird enough? I want to be normal. I want to fit in. I want to look at my concert DVDs and not feel ashamed that I'm the only one who looks disgusting. I want to be pretty..and looked at differently. And I do so much there. I do everything I can. And because I do so much, I can't be given something that would make it feel worth it...
I feel so worthless, readers. I've never felt so low about myself. I feel like I'm running out of options here. Nothing is inspiring anymore. Nothing is worth it any longer. I'm running out of passion and feeling.
I need help...
-Alexa Starky..
You are beautiful and just because you aren't skinny doesn't mean you look terrible on stage. You look amazing on stage because you're passionate about what you're doing and you love it. Don't be so hard one yourself. Atleast you're trying to imporove yourself. Cut yourself some slack because serious changes take time:)
ReplyDeleteLuckily, feelings come and then they go. And hopefully we learn from them and we grow. (hey that rhymes!) LOL!
ReplyDeleteAfter a fun mom and sister time last night, I began to see your stress peel away and your happy self begin to re-emerge (I have no idea if that is spelled right).
There is no doubt that you are on your way to great things.....getting your DL, Grad pics, healthy eating, working out, volunteering to help others, getting a job, applying to college in your favorite line of work and somewhere in-between there...seeing your loving boyfriend!! Not so bad for a 18 year old!!!
You actually have an amazing life with all of the ability to face everything it brings to you. Go out and face the world beautiful!!
I love you!! Momma
My beautiful Alexa,
ReplyDeleteOY! What a gift you are! I wish every overweight girl could read what you write! You speak the words most cant put into words about how hard life is being an overweight teenager. To say I can totally relate cant even come close to how I feel when I read your words. You are so much more than I was at your age. I made many horrible choices being an overweight teenager, always in such pain. YOU are so in tune with who you are and you are open and have so much support all around you and your right, overweight people NEVER seem to get the recognition, looks, reactions, acceptance (I could go on and on) that the thin girl does. I will never understand why our society looks at us any differently than any other person! We ALL have our struggles, differences but for some reason we are the brunt of most judgement.
You, my incredible niece, are so beautiful and gifted and these years you are going through are so hard. All I really want to say is, you are so blessed with a family and friends who accept and encourage you to always be who you are and love who you are. You are blessed with being SO talented and UNINHIBITED and put yourself out there and sing and act and show the world that being overweight doesnt stop you showing the world who Alexa is!! Just try to focus on you and the blessings around you and take it one moment at a time. You are a positive strong woman and you will make it through these hard times all that much wiser and stronger and you will lose that weight. Maybe not the way you had planned (FIGHT THEIR DECISION OVER AND OVER IF YOU HAVE TO!!!) but you can make it happen!! Just try to keep believing in yourself as all of us believe in you!
You already are an amazing success in so many areas of your life, this is just one big tackle you will overcome, I know you will, I believe in you!!
I love you so much my soul sister. Reading your words was like reading my teenage years, but you are MILES ahead of me you lucky girl!
You can do ANYTHING you make up your mind to do!! Dont stop believing in yourself!! You are 95% of the way there!!!
I love you so much!!
Neecie
I love you Alexa!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely amazing and can do anything!
Call me if you want to talk at any time!
Love,
Gabrielle