Dear April,

You have sucked. I can't really think of a single decent thing that has happened so far this month. It's sadly almost over, and it isn't looking like a good ending.
I have encountered many douche bags this month. Douche bags who think it's proper to call a girl cheep, and free. Douche bags who have dropped me off the face of the earth completely. Douche bags who don't even have the decency to say goodbye. It's just easier for them to lie to your face.

I have met one pretty awesome person. Too bad he is literally too awesome for me. It's hard to explain, and I shouldn't come to conclusions just yet. But as of now, just douche bags.

And what's up with the medical problems, April?! I never get sick! I mean yes, there was the sprained ankle of 2011, and the mono scare of 2010, but those were pretty much the big ones. I mean I have a lot of questions from blood work, and those are still being tested and up in the air, but this? Kidney stones? Bladder infections? And now an enlarged spleen to question even more. Now more tests will have to be done and who knows what's going to come of it. What's going on April?

And this whole college thing... For some reason April just chose to take it to a whole other level. It was always time consuming, but now, it's like there is always something. And for some odd reason, everything given to me is unclear.
I mean, there is my absolutely insane english teacher who no one believes exists! I have a whole research paper due Tuesday, still confused as to what she wants... I am on paragraph 1!
And my theater class... Yeah, it's sad but I am officially going to change my major on Monday. I just can't do this anymore. I mean, my writers block has been so terrible this month. I never have this problem, but it's getting to be too much.
I have group projects, speeches, evaluations, readings, trainings, exams, essays, objectives, and I'm just going over the edge! The medication doesn't really help, and I'm also just for the hell of it going to put some of the blame on my job. Because it's there too. And! I am trying to still have a social life... I mean, sue me if I just want to forget it all and go out now and then, April! If I didn't get out now and then, I'd be dead. Or just crying, a lot.

So in retrospect, the douche bags, the possibilities to find someone who isn't a douche bag, medical issues, college crap, and a job... April has sucked....
There is approximately a week and 2 days left of April.... I'm going to try to just cram everything in and get all the crap done in the next few days and just make it to May...

I mean, maybe April will just feel bad and do something really incredible to end the month. As an 'I'm sorry this month sucked' sort of thing... Maybe?...

If not... There's always May...

-Alexa Starky

This is NOT my month.

1. I was in the emergency room at 2 in the morning on Wednesday for a kidney stone, UTI, and an enlarged spleen. I've been in pain for days, I am on lots of medication, and I just haven't been myself. I haven't been eating and have been exhausted. This stone isn't leaving my body and I just haven't had motivation to do anything.

2. School is kicking my ass. I mean, it was hard enough before the medical problems, but now I just don't want to do anything. Homework is piling up and I have no motivation or will to do any of it. It's just another problem and I don't want to solve it.

3. Guys suck... In the past month I have been used, called cheap, played, lied to, and I'm just over it. I just want that one guy who will treat me like a human being. I don't know what I did to deserve this... I try to my best to just be a nice girl, and if I care about a guy, I'll do anything for them. And it's frustrating that I just don't get the same in return. They make me believe that this is actually working out, then say something like 'I'll take anything that's free.' or 'I'm talking to my ex again.' or 'I don't want to lead you on.' Or they just delete me from everything without even having the decency to tell me...

What happened to relationships? What makes the bar so fucking high?

April has been nothing but problems.

I don't know if its just the oxycodone I'm on, or if its the constant pain I'm in, or just the frustration and pressure I'm under. Or maybe it's the constant low blows that make me feel worthless...
But I'm just a mess. And I really want to find peace in all this.

Why is this too much to ask?....
April is just not my month....

-Alexa Starky

I Think Too Much At Night

Well, it's officially passed 1 in the morning. Meaning I go into thinking mode.
Not only has this been a terrible week in itself, but it's also the last month of my freshman year of college...
I had food poisoning earlier in the week, so, that was an absolute hell hole in itself.

Then earlier today, we put my dog Reeses down... It was time for him to go. But I'm so sad and trying to stay so positive. But not having him around me is the strangest feeling. I know he is in a better place. RIP baby <3

And then, icing on this cake of the week, it's 1 A.M. and I'm thinking... I hate when I do this.
Not only am I missing my dog, getting over being sick, and all this crap, but I also am LOADED with homework. I have so much due this next week it's madness. And I just have no desire or motivation to do it.. Hopefully it will change tomorrow. This is a typical college student problem, so hopefully some can relate. Stop being hard, College!

But my head is just all over the place..

I think it's getting to a point where I'm tired of being patient... I know I only have a year or 2 left here, but I feel like I need to get away yet AGAIN! I'm frustrated with where I am that I always feel like I need to get away. This isn't a way to live... I'm hoping by the time I turn 20 (less than a year) I'll just know what I'm doing...

Someone inside me is telling me to stay acting. There is a hole in my stomach thinking about leaving it behind and changing my major. I STILL haven't gone to change my major... I'm a mess about it. A complete mess...

I've never felt so conflicted.

And the most frustrating part... The ONLY person I want to talk to about any of this, randomly abandoned me about a month ago. I still don't know where you are Steven, but I freaking think about you every single day... And I don't know what to do or why....

Why do the ones with the biggest hearts get the most beatings?
Something has to change....

- Alexa Starky

I will miss you everyday Reeses. My heart is broken and I will always keep you with me. I love you so much...

Curve Balls.

What's up with the curve balls lately?

I mean, normally everything is pretty straight forward and dead on, but not lately. I have been questioning everything lately! My head is in so many different directions. I go one way, over think it, then attempt another. I think I have everything so spot on, and then I don't.

I'm starting to really struggle with my major change. I haven't gone to change it yet because letting go of acting and theater is letting go of everything I've been for almost 10 years... And I'm afraid of what I will be without it. So I'm really frustrated with that lately.

And I'm really sick of feelings. They need to go away. I feel like I'm in the saying 'when one door closes another one opens.' but I'm facing my back to the open door and banging on the door that shut...

I'm really lost in myself and don't really know what I'm doing. I really just, want to be somewhere else, doing something else... Seeing something else.

Within the next week or two I'm making a hair appointment and changing my reflection... I need to see something new. I need something new.
I guess this is step one...

I'll figure it out.
I'm just tired of curve balls..

-Alexa Starky

For Elizabeth.

I'm doing a monodrama for my class.
What is a monodrama? It's a one person show based off of a dead person. You write your own 5 to 8 minute monologue like one act based off someone who has passed and tell a story about a moment in their life.

I'm going to be researching and doing Elizabeth Taylor. My teacher said it's perfect for me. I'm excited. However...

She is skinny. I want to be her in the best way I can.
Soooo.

I'm putting myself on a really strict diet and just working out as much as I can. I'm drinking water constantly and just cleansing. I want to lose as much as I possibly can by the end of April/Early May.

I'm just so sick of looking like this! I don't want to be all talk and no walk. Screw this.. Just going to get strict on myself. Here we go.

-Alexa Starky

Well I'm Home... Kind of.

I flew home last night. I literally haven't felt like this in a long time. That feeling of, I am home but I feel so homesick. I've been trying to get my homework done all night long, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that I'm back in Phoenix again. I'm so confused as to what I want, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

I get frustrated every time I come back here from San Fransisco, and since it's been so long, it's even worse now.
I'm turning 20 this year, and I don't want to be sitting here anymore at 20... I really need to find somewhere that will make me happier than this. I'm so confused...
And I haven't had this pit in my stomach in years... and I'm kind of freaking out.

I don't know what to do...
-Alexa Starky

P.S. Steven... You probably won't read this, but I've been wondering where you've been for weeks. You haven't texted me, your facebook disappeared, and you dropped off the face of the earth. What the fuck dude? I HATE BOYS! Why can't just 1 be normal...?