I'm not wrong to feel like this, right?

I feel conflicted, betrayed, stressed and beyond.
I just put so much effort into my club that I'm president of, and a show I'm barely seen in. And all I see are people taking things for granted and being stupid when people would kill just to have a line or dance number..
I worked more than 6 hours doing things the other day that weren't even my job.. I was disappointed and I came home in tears.

Not to mention, It's eating me alive knowing that if I could have lost like, 40 more pounds by now.. maybe I would have had a better part in the show. As disgusting as that sounds, it's true. I'm type casted or not casted at all and if I had lost a little more...

Not only am I trying my best to focus on myself, but now I need to focus on things that I won't be acknowledged for, but that are also not my job.
It's incredibly frustrating and exhausting.
And I got too hyped up in something/someone that would never be. I figured because I gained confidence I suddenly gained a backbone. That slowly died when I realized that I haven't changed anything. I took a chance, and it failed. So, needless to say, I'm incredibly frustrated.

I'm going to the gym. Lord knows I need it.. :/
Things will get better I'm sure..

-Alexa Starky

P.S. to my followers who also have my on facebook. I made a like page. Like that and it will have most of my updates. Thanks!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Mission-To-Change/103855846370032

I won't let you, close enough to hurt me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGcXqo4kcQw

I'm having a moment.
Perfect silence except this song, my voice, and tears.

Rehearsals for the musical I'm in have gotten harsh. The show is in 2 days.
And I walk on twice, I have no voice, no dancing, nothing.

If I could have one wish right now, it would be to fill the auditorium. Every single seat filled. Have one spotlight on me. And just sing this song with all the tears falling like they are now..
I have a voice. I have a talent. And I have one month left..
I want to show it. When will be my turn?

It was a stressful day. Full of regret, disappointment, and so on.
Hoping it will get better but knowing my rehearsal.. not likely.
We will see.
Just need to keep positive and motivated.

But.. Is it wrong to crave the spotlight?..

-Alexa Starky

I'm not bipolar, I'm just frustrated.

The title means something today.
My friend called me bipolar today. And it got me thinking. I know he was just kidding with me. But, look at my blog. I figure it's just frustrating. I'm going through a lot especially with myself and losing the weight. I don't feel bipolar, there is just a lot. And I really hope that my observation there is right.

Also, I'm spontaneous. If you hadn't noticed already. I'm really spontaneous, especially now that I'm a bit more confident in myself. I'm writing to people I hardly know, trying to make friends, trying to put myself out there more. And that is something I've never done. I just figure I'm working so hard on myself and I'm changing so much, might as well not have any other regrets right? Disappointment may be in the future, but, I wouldn't know until I tried right? I just hope I dont end up too disappointed in myself. But, I'm definitely being different and more spontaneous lately. I like it!

Also, in the process of writing this I got a notification on facebook. It was a message from a schoolmate who I hardly ever talk to. She's stunning, she's popular, and she knows who she is. And she told me that she reads my blog and looks forward to them! I really needed to hear that because every single day I question if what I'm doing is right for me and those are the things that really make me realize that I'm becoming a better person and I should like putting myself out there. This isn't a weird thing and I'm happy I'm motivating myself as well as other people. She also talked about prom. And how I'm definitely not the only one who would be going alone. I'm still really on the fence. I'm leaning more towards not going just because I don't want to be there awkward and alone. Not what I call a good time.

Time will tell.

I know this is a long blog but from the bottom of my heart, I'm feeling really good. I feel beautiful, I feel confident, and you guys are making it happen with me.
I'm SO grateful!

It's show week so I will be busy, but I will be posting when I can.
I'm absolutely in love with my mission to change!

-Alexa Starky

TMI? Or OMG!

I don't know if this is like, 'too much information' or something, but I think it's pretty awesome!
Ok, here it goes.

My mom and I went shopping today for underwear. Yeah I know, you're probably like, uhm, ok Alexa! That's enough.

No! Listen up, because this is big for me.
That was the first time EVER, that I have felt comfortable even in the discussion of undergarments. I was always like, 'ok whatever I look gross we get it.'
Nope. We bought like, 15 some pairs and I just feel, beautiful. Different in my skin.
I feel like I look better and I'm not afraid to look at myself anymore.

I mean, I'm even wearing shorts now. What is that? I've never even fathomed wearing shorts or skirts, and look at me.

I just see a massive improvement in myself and in the way I feel. It's midnight and insomnia has kicked in. And I can't seem to turn my mind off. I kind of like it :)

-Alexa Starky

I'm doing well, thanks.

Things are looking up for me.
Haven't been worrying too much. Taking things slowly, watching the weight fall off. Going to the gym every weekday and on some weekends. Sucks because my musical opens this week, so it will be hard to go to the gym. But, I will make it work!

Going to try my best!

But, school is good. I'm feeling a lot better about myself lately. I kinda, sorta, might, probably like someone. Whatever happens, happens. It's just fun to have that feeling again... :)

Anyway. :P

It's still hard, and it's still a journey and it's still complicated. You have to be SO patient in a process like this. But, everywhere I go, I hear how good I'm looking and how I look different. Or they compliment my shoes :) That's always fun!

I've just been, good. Really good. :)

-Alexa Starky

No more!

Alright, that's it!
NO MORE living for anyone else but myself! Come what may for the others.
No more beating myself over because someone doesn't like me.
No more feeling like it's my fault.

I'm losing weight. I'm watching my body transform. I enjoy looking at myself for once in my life! And that's all that should matter.
Who knows! Maybe something will be looking up for me because of all this.
But it's time to live for me, not for anyone else or any others' approval.

I'm running more and more miles everyday. I'm eating better and better. And I'm falling more and more in love, with myself. Which I never would have expected.

It's a new dawn, a new day, it's a new life, and I'm feeling good. :)

-Alexa Starky

Happy Passover.

Happy Passover to all the Jews out there. It was a fun time.
Couldn't help but feel weird though.

It was a stressful day. And I just took a leap and tried doing something I wouldn't normally do. I don't want to go into too much detail in case of people reading this. But, I took a leap of faith, and I hoped. And it drove me crazy all day and all night, seeing what would come out of it.
Nothing.
Shocker.

Yet again, blaming myself and my weight.
All throughout dinner and hanging with my family, all I thought was 'I wonder if I will have time to go to the gym..'

I've decided not to go to prom..
I will just be sad there. Alone. Feeling all pretty and dolled up for nothing. Feeling like no one wants me there. Just, not worth it.

It's been stressful for me. And I can't help but feel sad about all this.
Just figure, if I get thinner, I will be happier..

-Alexa Starky

Is prom over yet?

This whole prom thing is really starting to swallow me whole.
I keep thinking about it.
Everyone has a date. Then there is me, sitting here.

And yet again, I turn to my weight. I keep beating myself up saying 'You could have lost more.' or 'No one wants to ask because you haven't lost enough.'
It's all about the weight.
I'm a happy person and I like the way I look now, but this whole prom thing is going to be the death of me.

I promised myself it wouldn't. But everyone is getting these pretty dresses and getting asked in these awesome ways. I'm even helping people ask other people. I'm like.. I'm like the girl from 27 dresses. Helping everyone else, and not helping herself or getting what I feel I deserve and really want.

People say to go alone. It will be better with friends. Seriously, shut up! You'd hate it to if you were the only one going alone.
And people say ask someone yourself! My biggest fear is rejection. And I am still 'the fat girl' only now I believe I'm 'the fat girl who's trying to lose weight' at my school. I can't just walk around and ask because in my eyes I'm still that insecure girl who will get rejected in a heartbeat. So.


This is just stressful and I want this whole thing to be over!

-Alexa Starky

The Shirt!

This shirt, used to be one of my least favorites. I can't find a picture of it anywhere but it used to show my stomach like CRAZY. It was unattractive and I had to wear a jacket over it every time!

Well... I chose to put it on today. And see. Just see what it looked like and if it was still gross.

You tell me ? :)



I looked in the mirror this morning and I was like... I LIKE THIS SHIRT?!?!?

Just needed to share! :)

-Alexa Starky

How much? How many?

How many times to I have to walk by?
How many more times do I have to smile?
How much more often do I have to go to the gym?

How much more weight do I have to lose?..

How much more..?

I feel like it's my weight that is the only thing to blame. All the issues I have, I blame on my weight. It sucks. Because I've lost a lot and I feel like it isn't enough. Every bad thing, I point at my weight.
Every good thing, I point at the weight I've lost. It's ALL about weight.
It's like a drug. Having to lose and lose and lose just to get accepted. To feel happy about myself.

I feel like the pressure of prom and all that has really made it worse.

But, I feel like nothing will ever be good enough. I look at people and say 'We can't be together because I'm fat..'

Who wants to live like that? Just keep figuring that I need to lose more. And then lose more. And then lose even more.
I really don't want that to get worse.
It's already bad enough...

Give me motivation..?

-Alexa Starky

Well what do you know, it is worth it :)

Just got home from the gym. Had a pretty rough and negative day until that. Then I come home to find that my blog is motivating people! I wasn't sure if it was but tonight proved it.
Found out a fellow classmate reads my blog and is motivated by it. I'm not the only one here who is wanting a change. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this and that I am helping.
Getting personal and helping myself is in the end, helping others.

This blog is real, this is my venting machine, and I'm glad it's help me lose the weight and it's keeping me going. It's also really great knowing it's helping others.

Totally made my night.
AND, I got hit on at the gym today!

I feel like the icing on the cake would be a date to prom. But, come what may.
:)

-Alexa Starky

..The 'P' Word.

I'm sick, and tired, and frustrated with this word.
This little word. It's only 4 letters. But it's everywhere! It's surrounding my life right now.
PROM!!!!

If I have to hear this word again today, I might just explode.
I really wasn't planning on going. I figure, I had such a great time at prom last year, I don't want to go again and not enjoy it. But, I've been helping people get asked, I've been hearing stories about people being asked, and I'm starting to.. idk. Want to go?

I just know all these people are being asked and going together and I just don't want to go alone.
And I mean, I've lost weight but I am really thinking that it isn't enough. I want to be asked.. But never in a million years could I imagine. I'm just not...prom material..

And I tried to make myself that way, but I don't think I've gotten there yet. It is pretty sad that being I weigh a little more, I don't think I'm good enough to be asked.. But as of right now, I don't see that happening.. Kinda sucks.

I just want prom to happen so I don't ever have to hear about it again..
Kinda down in the dumps today. Gonna go for a workout and hopefully become "Prom material" by the end of the year..
We will see.

-Alexa Starky

Shorts? Me? YES!

So, I bought something.
Something I NEVER ever ever ever ever bought before!
I bought, SHORTS!
To those who know me, when do I ever wear shorts??
I went out yesterday and bought some. And man it feels good!

It was something I've always wanted but I never felt good enough to wear them. That's an improvement right? :) I'm very thrilled.

I've been trying my best to move on with my life and really work on myself. Need to go to the gym more and work out more. I've kinda lost that motivation a bit but wearing shorts and doing things I never do, makes me want to keep going and see where I can end up.
Graduating in like, 6 weeks. I want to be even thinner. Start college anew!

Lets keep it going!

-Alexa Starky

Oh, What a bother!

As I type, I am watching The Tyra Show and they are talking about healthy food and losing weight. And I'm sorry but, Tyra is gorgeous and thin and talking about how huge she is.. If she is huge, what the heck am I?!
And all the girls used as examples or stories, are always thin and beautiful.

Like, come on!
I had to vent about that! :)

But, I've been doing well. I've been feeling better about myself and putting myself in clothes feels better.
and here's something I didn't notice until now.

Before the weight loss and life change, I would NEVER put my hair up. I just thought I looked gross without my hair down and hiding my face.
But recently, I have been putting it up a lot! I haven't been wearing as much makeup and I just feel better.
I can only imagine what it will be like when even more is gone!

When have I ever been this optimistic and excited about myself? No idea!

I hope to gain more followers and gain more advice and motivation as well! This blog means the world to me, and I'm happy it's getting more positive. :)

-Alexa Starky

Back In Phoenix. Hello Again.

Imagine leaving this behind.
It was the hardest thing I've done in awhile. I was in my PARADISE in Hawaii! I was happier then I have ever been!
I felt soo good about myself! I climbed to the top of Diamondhead which is one of my greatest accomplishments!





That's the view from the top!

I just know that it would have been a different experience if I hadn't lost some weight and kind of found myself.

I met the most incredible person also. He was our tour guide and he was just the kindest, funniest, most talented human being I've ever met. He taught me a lot and inspired me to help people and live life to the fullest.

I'm So grateful I went on this trip!

Now, however, I am home and am graduating in less than 2 months!
And I want to lose as much weight as I can before that!
So, it's power time! I'm excited and I'm going to work hard!
But I really want to be back in Hawaii...


-Alexa Starky