Just Being Honest.

Woke up this Sunday morning not feeling like I usually did this week.
Woke up to a messy room, a headache, and feeling really unsuccessful.

Yesterday, I spent all day at regional honor choir auditions. I had no expectations to make it, and of course, I didn't. But all of my close and best friends did, and a HUGE congrats to them. That really is amazing. I just wish I had gotten that call saying I made it too. I don't know if it is just greed, or feeling like they are all better than me, I don't know. Maybe it is just my own paranoia. I just know that it's going to be a weird 3 weeks, and I'm afraid I'm going to be left out.
Just being honest..

I also can't help but think about this year, and where it has put me.
I can't believe how much has changed in less than a year. It's so weird! I mean, this last summer I was friends with different people, I didn't know half the people I hang with now, I was in love, I just don't know where it went, it went away so fast.
...Just being honest.

Maybe I'm just having an off morning..Idk.
I'm just going to try to enjoy my Sunday and head to the gym. Maybe clean my room, who knows.

-Alexa Starky

This is SOO good! :D

Yay to a few things!!

1. I gained 2 new followers! That makes me feel really great and urges me to blog even more!

and

2. Since I've last looked at a scale, I've lost 12 pounds!!! :D

I haven't seen that in awhile. And that, was with jeans on, and in the middle of the day after eating a bit.

So needless to say, I'm thrilled. And I'm going to the gym in just a few minutes again.

This is actually working for me, and I've been SO much happier!!

I've got my license, finally! So that is also a whole new freedom, and makes me go to the gym on my own even more than normal.
So this is good.
only 50 some days until Hawaii and I feel a change coming, and it's going to be drastic. Oh, I'm thrilled.

Thank you for the support, it keeps me going for sure.

My mission is finally underway. :)

-Alexa Starky

Thank youuu Therapy!

Much better! Saw my therapist and took a BIG step.
There was a lot more good things to say, rather than bad. A lot more has been accomplished then lost. And it took me an hour of chit chat with a pro to realize this.

Ever since then, I've been much better. Some odd feelings still, but definitely not the same.
Been going to the gym and working out everyday. Eating better. Taking better care of myself. Being with the people who I love and love me back.
Smiling more, working harder. This is what it should be about.
And I think I'm finally content with where I am.

Sure, I will have a relapse now and then because it really is such a big change for me. But I'm looking forward to everything that's going to be happening within the next few weeks. A lot of school stuff and our spring musical is coming up. And I'm going to try really hard to get in and maybe get a good part? But who knows, and I'm ok with that.

I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do, be where I am supposed to be, and give 100% of what I have and make the next 13 some weeks of my high school career fabulous.

And I'm going to keep going to the gym, get better with eating, and do this and fix the flaws I've been dying to fix for a long, long time.

-Alexa Starky

Please don't be a relapse..

One sentence. One word.
One tiny thing can change everything you are/stand for.

It's weird how one person, especially one you really used to care about, can stick inside you like a disease. You can forget and pretend they aren't sitting there inside, but deep down you know. You just know that they are there.. and it kills you. And you would do anything to forget.. :(
I'm too young for this shit..
This shouldn't be happening. No one deserves this feeling of having NO control. Why isn't there a delete button in your heart? I want to clear everything I have of someone so I can focus on myself.

GOD THATS WHY I DID THIS! So I can focus on me. And I do! But there is that cancer inside that bursts randomly and you can't get rid of it. Where you want to go back and fix what shouldn't be fixed. I'm confusing myself...

I'm trying so hard to forget. And I'm trying to keep myself together and take care of myself.

But, this bipolar feeling about someone is eating at me like a drug and I can't stop thinking about it...
I'm too young. I shouldn't have ever felt like this because all it did was eat me alive...

I need to get to Hawaii. I need time away from here with my friends. I need out for a few days..
But.. the things I would do to hop on a plane right now and go to the one place I love. The place I fell in love with.
The things I would do, to spend 1 day in San Fransisco..
Just 1 day. On bart. alone. where all my smiles used to be. Where I literally left my heart...

Man I need my therapist.. and the gym..

-Alexa Starky.

Working On It.

It's almost midnight.
I have major insomnia.
When I have insomnia nights, I start to think.
Those thoughts, go into blogs.
Here it goes.


I'm healing. Sadness is losing it's touch, slowly but surely. Drama is disappearing. Thank the lord for that.
And starting TOMORROW, I'm taking life by the mother flipping horns and I'm holding on! I'm doing what I want! I'm doing what I say goes! I'm not living off others or their words. I'm in charge now and NO ONE is getting in my way.
I'm tired of feeling like I have no say. I'm learning. I am learningasigo. That's who I am! And one thing that I have learned is to gain a filter. A mental filter. Where someones words or actions happen, then it filters through my mind and body to the point where it isn't sitting there pissing me off. Instead, as it goes through, I figure out ways to solve it and make it better. And I'm using that filter everyday for the rest of my life!

Starting tomorrow, I'm a new person. People at school, be prepared. I'm ready to take back what is mine. I'm ready to say what I want to say. And I'm going in at full force.

This also has to do with weight. I'm incredibly busy these next 2 days at school, but starting this next week..every weekday. Every single weekday I am going to the gym for at least 30 minutes. At least! Every week day. And if I feel motivated enough, I will go on weekends as well.

I'm not sitting here anymore. I'm changing this, NOW! I don't want to look like this anymore.
I feel like my attitude has gotten into shape, and I want the body to match.

Lets do this!!

-Alexa Starky

Got To Get Back To Work.

I need to get back to work. I need to get motivated. I need to work on myself. I need all of this and the only way I can, is by getting up and doing it!
I've been so sad and so stressed. People cannot keep me down. I'm 18 years old! I'm graduating! I'm becoming someone and no one can keep me in a funk. I'm tired of it. I'm president of my drama club! I want it to be amazing! I am in the top choir! I want to sing my heart out! I'm bigger, and I want that to change!
I need my motivation back.
I have the worlds best friends and I am so in love with what was given to me this year. I have learned so much, I have laughed so much, I should be enjoying every second.

Sometimes...it's impossible. It feels like nothing can get better. And my heart still hurts a lot. And it's hard to comprehend sometimes that things can get better..
But it can. And I need to just keep going. I need to keep my head held high and get back to work!

I need to change myself. I need to endure each moment.
It will be hard to do because there are still some black spots in my life and some scars that haven't healed. But the things that make me happy, block it. And I am going to get back on track with working out, eating better, feeling better, and seeing what works for me.

I need to keep up with the learning as I go. I need to start now.

-Alexa Starky

I Feel Like Shit.

Title speaks for itself.
Idk what to do.
I need out..

-Alexa Starky..

Keeping myself too busy..

It's official. I can't just sit down alone. It's gotten to a place where my mind wonders in ALL different directions if my brain isn't focused on something else..
The smallest things trigger sadness. I've been playing tetris, doing word searches, writing, reading, texting, being with friends, everything and anything that I can in order to just, not think.

It's hard to know that my whole world and everything I knew only a few months ago is gone. I'm a whole new person and nothing is the same.
And it's REALLY hard because that last thing I have been focusing on is my weight...
I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel like nothing is working. Nothing is worth it. And it's hard because I really don't have that passion to change like I did...
This was supposed to be my mission to change. It really took a turn for the worst.
It's like the weirdest roller coaster. It began and it was going SO well and you were so anxious for the ride to begin when you get to the top. But as it went it just died down, then it sped up and got better, but then it got worse and worse and now I feel like it will never end.,
Nothing is happening with me. And it's sad. Because I feel like I'm...

I'm failing my blog. I feel like a failure. This was supposed to inspire myself and others and I feel like I'm doing just the opposite. That is very hard to cope with.

My heart and head are in 400 different places. I'm thinking differently about everything and everyone. My heart is telling me so many things that I'm really confused. There is too much to think about!!
Graduation, college, break ups, friends, weight, money, family, feelings, grades, looks, everything!
It's just getting to be too much!!

I'm just struggling... a lot.
I need more inspiration.. and help. I really need help..

-Alexa Starky