Out of 1 Box, and into Another.

Finally in Walnut Creek to visit Eian and his mom. I've been here a few days now, and I go home tomorrow.
It's been a weird, but really fun, trip.
I was talking to Eian about feelings and all that crap, and it's that I'm so comfortable here with him and his mom. This used to be my happiest place on earth. And then when it wasn't the same, I felt uncomfortable. I forgot that it's been over a year and a half since I've been here. It literally felt like no time had gone by. But it's crazy to see how much we've both grown up. I mean, we were together at 15 years old. I'm turning 20 this year... Time flew by but here it felt so still. It's a strange feeling...
It's definitely different, but it was an escape and they were insanely generous to let me into their home again.

Last night we were talking and we thought of a bunch of ways to wake up and smile. And I did.
See you tomorrow Phoenix.

Thanks Eian and Victoria. I needed this break. And I love you both.

-Alexa Starky

My Box.

Picture a box. A tiny little clear box. Then you force yourself into this tiny little box and lock it up.
That's basically how I've been this week.
Every single day is the same routine.
Go to school, go to work, do a ton of homework, sleep, wake up, then go to school.
Sitting in this box, not moving, doing exactly what I'm supposed to do.

I think it's gotten to the point where I've been sitting inside this box too long that I'm growing, pushing and forcing myself to lift the lid or break the sides. Crying all the time, not knowing why I'm still sitting inside this box when I'm clearly too big for this box.

I am so frustrated.

I'm just tired of doing the same thing every single day. Haven't felt many reasons to smile lately...
I'm just excited to get the fuck out of Arizona just for a weekend, and head to San Fransisco and see a past memory again.
I just need to forget everything, leave, and restart. I need to escape, so I'm grateful I have this chance.
Get me out of here.

Being a teenager is hard. Figuring your life out in a matter of years sucks.

I need to break free of this box. I need to expand and try new things and meet new people and feel reason to get up every single day.

The Old Me is Dead and Gone, Dead and Gone.

I've been traveling on this road to long, trying to find my way back home. The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone.

I was listening to this song earlier on the week. It got me thinking a lot about what I'm doing right now, and where I thought I would be right now. My whole life I was a dreamer, thinking I would make it big one day. Be that star overweight girls can look up to. Make a difference in this world by being heard for the first time in my life.
I always wanted that.
What I didn't realize was that I'm being heard already. I've been writing for almost 2 years. I have a voice and I've used it already. The whole world can't hear me, no. But this is slowly becoming enough for me.

I've been trying to find myself and what I wanted to be for so long. I've wanted to be a movie star, a singer, a director, a make up artist, a hair stylist, a marine biologist, all of this stuff! But I woke up the other day, and I just started crying...

I cried because I was tired of being alive. I was tired of living a pointless life every single day where I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was. So I sat in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling and talking to myself. Who was I and who did I want to be?

I started thinking about my love for acting, which is my current major. I know I love it, but I am also supposed to have 2 contrasting monologues done and ready to go by Tuesday and I've barely looked at them. That is when I knew, my passion was dying...

I cried even more, realizing that the ONLY thing I know was something I didn't want to keep going at. So I thought even more about what could possibly be in my heart that would make me want to get up every morning.

Teach.

I've decided to see my councilor later in the week and see if I can change my major to a liberal arts and get my 2 year degree. Then as a junior I will head to ASU and get my secondary education in English major. I want to teach high school English. Maybe even at my old high school.

I guess I have theater to thank for all this. It is a scary business, and very difficult to get into. I've been lucky enough to have met my best friends, some incredible mentors, and been involved in amazing work. It taught me to move past the stereotype as well as embrace it. It showed me that I'm stronger than I think I am. I have more leadership in me than I thought. And I do have a talent. But I can use it elsewhere.

I don't need the fancy cars, the millions of dollars, or millions of people to know who I am. I want to make a difference, so I will make a difference in a classroom. While I'm changing my major and taking these classes and getting out of community college, I will be working out and taking major care of myself. To look my absolute best at the most well known party school in the United States.

Things are changing for me. Reality struck a chord and I'm moving on.
Give me your thoughts. What are your dreams? Comment and tell me what you believe your purpose is. I'm curious. You read what I have to say, I want to read about yours.

Thank you readers for all your support.
This is a big leap for me. One dream gone, a new one begins.

That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright

The Bipolar Spring Break

This has been the most bipolar spring break I've ever encountered. It is almost over and so much has happened! Lets talk about it shall we!

- My mom has been out of town on a cruise and my dad met up with her in Florida. So, my sister and I were alone for the beginning of my break. I was lucky enough to have gas, money, and the company of my crazy sister and best friend Joy to make it alright. I ate too much, I spent tons of money on pointless stuff or food, and I fell asleep at 4 in the morning far too often for no reason.

- I worked a lot more than usual, I got ugly looks from some managers, I got some smiles, I had my laughs, it was just work.

- When my parents came home we all talked about their trip and what not. It was nice to have everything back to normal. But when they asked me about how I'm doing, the answer was simply 'eh.' Eh?! Eh is not a good answer, by the way.

- So it got me thinking about one thing, then another, and another, up until the point of tears. Contemplating everything from my weight, my major, my college, and just live in general. I got unhappy in a matter of hours, even after having such a fun week full of stuff.

- So, I did the only thing I could do at a time like that. Sit on the floor curled up in a ball crying to my mother. I admitted that I don't really know what I'm doing, and I just don't feel excitement anymore, and I just want to get the hell out of Phoenix, Arizona.

- My mom did something incredible. As I sat there crying my little eyes out, my mom said "Go somewhere! Go to L.A. and take a drive. Go to a beach, just relax and think!" She started looking up hotels for me when I said ... I want to see Eian...

- I don't know if you readers remember Eian. But he was my boyfriend in high school who lived in San Fransisco. We are really great friends and I had always felt at home there, and it was the only place I wanted to be. So, my mom hopped onto south west airlines and bought me a ticket to California on march 29th. 2 weeks from today.

- Today was MUCH better. I finally have something to look forward to, I went to a baseball game with Joy (Cubs lost), we went and played bingo (I lost) and tomorrow we are seeing 21 Jumpstreet.

- Do I want to go back to school, hell no! But this spring break was definitely crazy, and needs an ending. I'm going to try to lose more weight before my trip, and just figure everything out.

Goodbye spring break 2012. It was interesting.

- Alexa Starky

I Couldn't Stay Away From My One True Love.

I couldn't. Every single day I think of this blog and how therapeutic it is for me.
February was easily the worst month of my life. It has so many down falls and my head and heart shattered. I wasn't myself and I just wanted to hide from everyone.
I guess sometimes things are meant to be... I was supposed to learn from the hell February brought to me. I was supposed to stop writing to realize how much this means to me.
I was supposed to meet my friend Steven. That tattle tale made me realize a lot, who knows where my head would be if it weren't for him. I have some incredible friends. Joy was there for me through everything. I'm always grateful for Josiah and Brady for staying on the phone with me through my tear-fests. I'm always laughing with Patrick, my number one blog supporter.
I have a family who will be here for me through ANYTHING! Despite how quiet I am about some problems, they know how to get it out of me and help me get through the hardship.

School is SO hard right now, but my incredible job realized my plummeting spirit and gave me less hours. So it's less of a struggle.

But this blog. This is a part of me. And I can't just let it go that easily. I've been in this new relationship with myself for 2 and a half years, and I'm madly in love.

It will get better. It always does. And it already has.

-Alexa Starky