Goodbye blog...?

I think this is the end...
I'm not getting anywhere. I'm packed with shit. Pointless shit and I'm just not motivated anymore...
Everything is going wrong...
And I think this is goodbye...

Every single day has been a secret struggle to keep going.. I wake up angry, I go to bed crying, I get maybe 2 hours of sleep.
School pressure, work pressure, and pressure on myself is becoming unbearable.

I can't take the fake smiles anymore...
So. I'm going to take some time before I delete the blog for good, see if it maybe gets better. But, it's only getting worse.

I hate giving up...
But I'm losing faith in myself.

The support has been amazing. But when you stop listening to yourself, it's just time to let it go...

always and forever, learning as I go...

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about...

I'm very frustrated...

There is too much put on my plate right now.
Work this week has put a lot on me. Work has gotten me so behind on homework, which then makes school unenjoyable. I haven't been able to go to the gym because if I ever have an ounce of free time, there is something covering it. Every single time I sit down with nothing to do (or not wanting to do anything) I just cry...

I'm crying right now...

I think it's easy to say that so far this is the hardest year of my life... And it's only February...

I'm just getting really tired of the pressure. I'm really sick of putting on a fake smile. Lately, they are all fake. I'm saying things I don't feel... I'm pretending all the time. And I just don't know what to do...

The Meisner Technique Scare

In my incredible theater class, we are learning the Meisner technique. Fascinating technique may I add. You have to clear your mind and state the truth about the person in front of you, all this nonsense that we are all afraid of. Well. It was my turn to go up today. And it was going well.

Then Doug had to ask me a question and my job was to repeat the question with the answer within the subtext, make sense? I asked him a TOTALLY stupid question, being "Do you like going to the dentist?" Lame question, I know. First thing that popped into my head. When it was his turn to ask me, I wasn't expecting what he asked.

"Do you like yourself?"

I honestly don't remember how I responded. I was just shocked he asked me that. I know we are supposed to get deep, but, I was the first deep moment of the day. And I didn't know how to react. But I did. And my dear friend Jason said how real it was.

But it got me thinking... Do I?

I think I'm always caught up in this image that I'm supposed to become that I don't even know if I like myself as I am. I was never confident about my look, ever. And this was the first time, in front of people I'm usually happy around, that I was punched with an intense question like this. Of course, he read my like a book when he had to talk about how I responded when I repeated the question.

So, I guess I really need to figure this out for myself.
Do I like myself?
All I do know, is I'm madly in love with that class.

Thank you Doug. Thank you Meisner.

Public Speaking

This. Class. ROCKS!

It reminds me a lot of my English 101 class last semester. So many different people, but such an incredibly atmosphere. Today we had to do a "Three Object Speech." Meaning, we had to take 3 objects and metaphorically connect them to 3 important things in our lives.
My first was family, then theater, and then of course, this blog.

It's incredible what 4 minutes and 3 objects can say about a person. I fell in love with that class today. I don't think there was a second where I wasn't smiling. Everyone is so unique and we all shared some amazing stories.

There were tears, shakes, and laughs, and I love that class.

My incredibly fabulous gay teacher is one of the coolest guys I have ever met. He is so comfortable in his skin and you can tell with just the way he talks.
We have the 2 army veterans who I have become good friends with. The single moms, the fire fighters, the musicians, the animal lovers, the politicians, and so much more.

I am definitely putting my heart and soul into this class. It's probably one of the few classes that will really benefit me. I may be an actress, but talking in front of a class still scares me shitless.

I was so pleased with the outcome of my speech, I even got a hug in the parking lot. I'm so grateful for being able to share my story and my struggles. And I still can't believe I'm still writing today and how far I've come.

It's going to be a great semester.

-Alexa Starky