College and Hell.

College: I am liking college. It's cool how everyone is so chill and on their own path. Every class is really relaxing. I mean there will be a lot of work clearly, but it's nice. The first few days have been good. And my Acting 1 class is amazing! The people are just so kind and care free and hilarious and they find art in the craziest stuff. So, I can't complain about college. After college however....

Hell: I'm in hell. It's slowly getting cooler in hell. But yes, hell. How many times can I say it, I don't know. But I am. My world was slowly getting to the point of my perfect world. I was in la la land and I was falling in love. Texting all the time, snuggling, I was so happy. Then it slowly got awkward and strange and we stopped talking like we did. It lasted just a few days. So, I got sick of it and asked if everything was ok with us. I didn't get the answer I had hoped for and told him how I felt about it. He fell out of love right then and there..

I learned you can't hate someone because of how they feel because feeling is never wrong. Apparently, in my perfect world, that statement didn't matter. I took a lot of tears, a lot of friends, a lot of screaming, and a lot of french fries, even some throwing up to get the sick knots out of my stomach. But slowly, I'm healing.

It was painful. And I'm sad. And embarrassed and wish I could erase everything and make it Monday evening at 4 30 again.. I want it all back so badly.. If he reads this, I miss him...

On a brighter side, I lost 4 more pounds. Don't know if it was from the lack of eating, the random throwing up, or the heat and walking around campus, but it happened.

I'm slowly getting there.. But who knows whats in it for me next. I'm just going to go do some homework, because I already have too much..

Learningasigo....in every way.

-Alexa Starky

Life Isn't Fair..

The fact is.

The past effects the future.

Love is a brutal game.

I'm fat and ugly.

Protect your heart and shut your mouth...

Supposed to be an amazing day. Turned out to be the worst. All time low...

My Last Week.

This is my last and final week as a non-college student. Monday, it all changes. I'm happy I did community college for the year for a number of reasons.

1. CHEAPER!!

2. I felt like a dear in headlights all year on what I wanted to do.

3. Leaving my family seemed impossible at the time.

4. If I was constantly worrying about college and money and that part of life, I couldn't have been so motivated to change the way I have.

I know the old Alexa. I would have figured the more important thing would have been the future and not now. I would have still been crying in a doctors office seeing no results and wondering what to do.

And now I finally know what I'm doing next year. After all the thoughts of moving away, taking internships, going into every field there is, I have chosen.

Next year I will be attending Arizona State and major in theater production. Then once I get that major I hope to get my masters in theater writing. I can't believe how lucky I am that that is a major!

And it truly is thanks to this blog that I have figured it out. Thanks to this blog and thanks to my incredible family and the love from my friends I figured out that I love writing. I still love theater but I think my real passion is writing. So, I'm excited to see where all of this takes me!

I can't believe how happy I've been lately. I mean, I see a therapist. I have been for years. I mean I don't know how I could have been without her through all of this. But, the last few appointments I've had were all so happy! I had so much to tell her and talk about and everyday was so happy and all she could say was "I'm so happy for you. It's all finally coming together." And I couldn't agree more.

It's sad that a lot of my friends are going away. I mean, some are going 20 minutes away, some 2 hours, and some plane rides away. It's hard watching them all leave one by one. But I know I will always have them and I have some incredible people here with me. And I know I will meet so many more in college.

We are so grown up. But there is still so much to learn.

A new chapter in my blog begins Monday! My Mission To Change. Chapter 3. College.

-Alexa Starky

It's Gotta Change.

I need some major waking up here. I need to get back on my A game. I need to get pumped and become aware like I was. The last few weeks I've been slacking.

Not many blogs. Not much working out. Too much eating. Too much money spending.

I'm getting back on track because my jeans either need to keep fitting, or get too big. Those are the only 2 options.

Motivate me! Push me to the gym, lord knows I need it!

In other news: I've been really very happy. I've figured out a lot of college plans for the next few years. I'm happy with where I am and what I'm doing. And, there might be another half happening in my life? :) Things are just more positive lately. Things are definitely raising for me. Now, lets get the scale numbers decreasing!

-Alexa Starky

P.S. If you are curious about anything or want to ask me a question, comment it or message me somehow and I will answer it in my blogs!

Vlog #1

My very first vlog post!

Youtube, Really?

Well, I have a vlog made and ready to be uploaded to youtube to post on my blog. But youtube will NOT upload it!

SO, hopefully I will get that up soon. Stay posted on that.


An update. I'm happy. I'm very happy. Everything has been good lately. Everything but the scale. I'm going back to the gym after one too many days away from it. I'm back on track, back on schedule and will keep going and will lose more weight. I gotta do it! Gotta stay motivated and inspired.
And I really truly am very happy lately. I'm finally figuring things out and every puzzle piece is coming together. I'm loving everything and everyone in my life right now!

I will try my best to get the video up asap! Thanks everyone!

-Alexa Starky

Post 101.

This is my 101st post. My goodness how time flies. I can't believe how much I write.

I got an amazing message today from a good friend of mine basically talking all about my blog and about how I'm helping her know that she isn't the only one feeling this way. That was the perfect way to celebrate passing 100 blog posts!

I couldn't be more pleased with how things are working out! I mean granted, yesterday was very hard for me. But today, I went to sea world which was beautiful! I had such a good time!



It was cool to forget everything and watch the magic of those amazing animals. It was really a cool experience.

As great of a memory as it is, I'm really pleased with all the feedback I've been getting on my blog the past few days. It feels really rewarding and I'm really truly grateful!


I've just been feeling happy and more content. I think things are finally going to get better. I'm figuring out college next year and where I will be heading. I might have found something very special in a very incredible person. I think things are going to be getting better. I'm excited for the next few days of vacation, but I'm really excited to get home, get back to the gym, and keep going with everything. It's going well, it can only go up if I make it that way.

I will also be video blogging hopefully soon! We will see :)

Thanks so much for everything from everyone!

-Alexa Starky

Where The Pretty People Roam.

So we are here in San Diego. It's gorgeous. The food is amazing. The hotel is great. The shopping is fabulous. The ocean is lovely. The people are stunning... The people are stunning... and the people... well. They are just beautiful.

Everywhere I go here, I turn into that insecure 15 year old again. I don't feel beautiful here. I feel like I am trying too hard and that I'm not pretty. Everyone here has stunning faces, beautiful bodies, you know. California people.

I walked into Urban Outfitters today and I thought "Who am I kidding? I'm too big to be here..." I ended up buying a sweater but still. Who wants that negative feeling whenever they walk into a store? I've felt that everywhere. Even on the beach or walking around the town. I feel ugly.

It's very frustrating knowing that you are trying so hard to look better for yourself and you work so hard to get there and then you come to a place like this where you are looked at funny. I'm the 'fat' girl again and I am really afraid of her. That scared little girl is still inside me and she definitely comes out here in San Diego.
Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the ocean and being on vacation and just being with my mom and sister. But, there is always that feeling like this would be more fun if I was thin and beautiful

It's sad that being thin means your beautiful...

It's a great time but I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm proud of myself for where I've gotten since day 1. But, I'm not happy knowing maybe it could have been even better. I see the glass and half full and half empty. And it's driving me crazy..

I will keep updating and will hopefully find some more happiness here. In the end, the place is beautiful, and the vacation is nice.

Any words of wisdom from my readers?
I love you all.

-Alexa Starky

Vlog?

So, I posted this on facebook awhile ago, after I got my good blood results back and I've been thinking, maybe I will start up on vlogs. Video blogs. Just to post on here and keep everyone updated on an even more personal level. I will keep writing and such just, every now and then check in?

It's an idea.

Tell me what you think. I love the support. I love all of you! I love changing my life! It's such a good thing! Go figure!

-Alexa Starky

This Week - Oops.

So, when you are house sitting and have no limits and nothing to do... You eat. A lot. And it happens to be not so healthy food.
I can't even imagine the amount of food I ate this week house sitting alone. Luckily there was a treadmill in the house but, that wasn't used as much as I'd like to write down...

And the gym was far and you know, all the bad excuses in the book should be in this post.

So, I'm afraid I've gained a million pounds this week and it happens to be the night before I leave for San Diego! Oh well! Ha :)

But it really is great seeing old friends or people I haven't seen in awhile and hearing about how good I look. I mean, who doesn't love to hear that?


I guess the bad news, however, is that I haven't been feeling beautiful in my own body lately. A lot is going on and it's overwhelming. And looking in the mirror and feeling like that insecure 15 year old again, it doesn't just fade away and I definitely have my weeks where I feel like nothing good has happened. It's hard to break those old habits. But I'm trying my absolute best and I'm working to succeed in the end. The bumps in the road just make you shaky, they don't stop you from moving forward. :)

I have some incredible people in my life who are supporting me and giving me incredibly advice and letting me know that nothing has changed too much. I'm so grateful for everyone who reads these and helps me out and lets me know that hope is still out there.

I will be posting from San Diego.

Let the good choices, salad eating, working out, shopping, and enjoying my time, BEGIN! :)

I love you all!
-Alexa Starky