Brand New Start BABY!

ALRIGHTY! No more icky gross boring Alexa anymore!

Good things are happening! YES! Good, brand new, awesome things! Bring on, THE LIST!

1. Weight Watchers started a new program! It's awesome and I really like it so far! It is like a brand new start and a new motivation. My sister, mom and I are getting back into it and getting our fresh new start in. We have been counting points and really working at it. It's getting a lot better! I have also been eating better. My sister and I are making smoothies a lot, serving sizes are getting better, and I'm not eating as much. It's gotten better. There are some things to get over and some bad habits to kick to the curb, but I'm working at it.

2. We bought this really fun Zumba thing for Wii. Not only is it an awesome work out, but it really brings the family together. We are all laughing and working out and having a blast. It's nice after a long day to break some sweat after a long day and just hang with the family.

3. I feel like my confidence is boosting. My choir teacher called me tonight telling me that no one was singing at our 1st varsity basketball game and wanted me to sing the national anthem. Apparently I did really well, I was too nervous to remember. But I was in the middle of singing and all I hear is someone behind me go 'DAYUM!' and it kind of made my night. I just felt like people were finally paying attention to something that wasn't my weight, but my voice instead. It was a good feeling. Really great.

4. Therapy is going really well and I don't really know what would become of me if I didn't have my therapist. She is wonderful. It is just a time to let everything that is negative or peevish out and it is a great release. I feel like a lot of my pessimistic ways have been flipped. It's nice. I'm enjoying it.

There are still those moments where it just doesn't seem worth it anymore, but it all changes. It's nice feeling like something is finally getting somewhere when it comes to changing habits and such. And it's nice to have family and friends there along the way. It means a lot to me.
There will be a LOT of stress this week however. TONS of president, choir, drama, stuff! Tons! So, if I hop on whenever I am free complaining about how crazy life is, don't be shocked :)

Bring on another great week.
-Alexa Starky

Thanksgiving

There is so much to be thankful for! I know Thanksgiving was yesterday (and I did pretty well when it comes to being on my A-game food wise) but I can't help but think of all of those things I am thankful for. I figured I want to take some time to write down some people who have changed my life this past year and who I am incredibly thankful for.

My parents: Well of course they are the people who make me who I am today. They know how to keep me sane, laughing, on my toes, and so much more. I learn something new from them everyday. I'm so thankful for them always giving me advice, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with (and at), and for never screaming at me if I drive to fast ;) I adore them and I cannot believe this is my last few months as a high schooler in this home with them. They do more than enough for me and I couldn't have asked for a better support system like my mom and my dad. I love you both so much!

Jaclyn: My wacky sister.. We got SO close this year! High school brought us so much closer than we have ever been. I love hanging out with her and being with her. We laugh SO hard at nothing! ALL THE TIME! We know how to have fun and we have made so many memories. She's awesome and funny and everyone loves her as soon as they walk in a room. She is such a cool sister and I love her so much.

My Old Friends: I'm so thankful that I've kept some of my old friends through this crazy experience called high school. Unfortunately, some dropped on the way and some have hit rough spots, but these are the people who know me best. Brady, Joy, Mark, Vincent, Teresa, Patrick, Shannon, Tabitha, Megan, Taylor, and so many more! These are the people who molded me into the person I am today. And some of them are still my best friends. We ALL have had our rough times, but I'm so thankful to have had the past years to laugh, cry, and be with all of you. You all mean the world to me and I couldn't have gone through high school without you guys.

My New Friends: Now these are the people who hopped into my life at least this year if not last. These people have taught me to be someone else. They showed me how to laugh at life and be stupid because you only live once. I feel so loved around these people. Patrick, I have known you forever, but you are like a new best friend everyday. You are ALWAYS there for me! You don't even know how much you mean to me. You and I became even closer this year and I'm ENTIRELY grateful. You are an amazing person and I love you with all my heart. James, Jessica, Katrina, Tori, Carlee, Melody, and others have changed my life. I can be me around these people who I JUST got close to, and they never once judged me (If you did, don't tell me). I can't begin to explain how thankful I am. I got to spend my thanksgiving with one of my new friends, James, and it was amazing! It really made my night having him there. These people always know how to make my night. I couldn't be more grateful to have started talking to you all.

Eian: It's hard being far away. Especially when you have someone as special as Eian so far away. Everytime I go to see him, it's like the first time. He makes me feel on top of the world. He knows how to make me laugh, calm down, smile, and feel special. He knows me like the back of his hand. I cannot believe it has been a year and almost 5 months. And I cannot believe that in about 3 weeks I will see him again. It will be 1 year since we met as boyfriend and girlfriend. We have been having a REALLY tough time lately, and it has been hard. But everytime is a life lesson and a new experience. We have been through everything together. The 1st thing I did when I woke up on thanksgiving was text him and say 'I am thankful for you.' I really am, Eian. You mean the WORLD to me and I can't believe we have made it this far. Despite the drama and the troubles, we have always been there for eachother. Even if we had to scream to get eachothers attention :) People don't understand our relationship, and it's hard to explain. But PLEASE, always remember that you make me SO happy and I am INCREDIBLY lucky to have someone like you in my life. I love you so much. :)

Weight Watchers: It works. It doesn't work. It works. It doesn't work. It DOES work. I'm learning how to live a better life, and it's because of Weight Watchers. My mom kept me going when I really didn't want to but I have made lifetime habits and I have lost about 8 lbs. so far. Shoot, it's not a ton, but that is 8 I would NOT have lost without it. I'm going to keep doing this and I am going to keep at it. Even if it isn't some miracle and I magically lose 80 pounds in a matter of months, I'm learning. I'm making goals. I'm making changes. I hope it brings me more good news and more great moments. I'm learning so much and I'm thankful we kept at it and still are!

Choir and Drama: The reason I go to school. These 2 things are my life! We all complain about them. We have to do a lot for them. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. Sometimes there are issues. But, we always get over them. Choir, is my zen every morning. I get to see all the people who mean so much to me laughing, singing, getting angry, stressed, and every emotion in between, together. I only have 3 concerts left out of 16. It's hard to know that. But being so involved and so dedicated to it makes it all worth it. All the friends and memories are SO worth it. And drama. I'm president. I've been dreaming about that since my freshman year. I made it. IT'S BEEN SO HARD! It's hard running a club! It just is. It's hard knowing everything relies on you and you make all the choices. Of course I have my AMAZING council who I couldn't be without, and we have had our issues too. SO many rumors and stress and problems but we have gotten over all of them. And I am grateful for all of you. I hope you know that. Lets make these last few months amazing. I'm thankful because these 2 things made me who I am today. They gave me personality. They gave me humor. They gave me amazing friends that I could never dream of having. I can't explain how grateful I am.

Last but not least, I'm thankful for this blog. It has gotten me to speak about some of my blackest moments. It has gotten be through some of my darkest times. This past year, I've heard the word 'no' a lot. I've heard 'I don't know' a lot. I've heard a lot of negative things. I've been made fun of, I've been hurt, I've been stressed, I've felt disgusting. I felt unimportant. I felt like there was no hope anymore. And I wrote it all down here. It got people to understand my true feelings and how everything has affected me. And it brought me closer to a lot of people. I've been given advice from people I've never met and people I love most. This was absolutely one of my better ideas. And I will keep this blog up, and I will never stop.

Happy thanksgiving everyone :)

-Alexa Starky

I don't like high school anymore..

What is high school?
Well, in my opinion, it is a bunch of cranky teenagers getting together early in the morning to learn something we will never learn again and with stress and problems on top. Sounding to pessimistic?
It's just how I am feeling right now.

If I could list all my problems, my readers would cross me out sooo, I'm not going to do that. But truly, so many mixed emotions about everything that it's exhausting. It's hard to stay motivated with everything when it feels like nothing is going right.

I need a vacation. I need a vacation away from everyone and everything. I need to find a zen. I need to find myself, because I don't know who I am anymore...
That's hard to admit, but it's so hard to be anyone. I mean, there are some people and some moments where I forget about all of my problems. But, once it's over, it's right back into sadness..

My boyfriend and I are doing better. It's good, but I don't feel great about it. I mean, I don't feel great about anything I do anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore and it has effected everything including my friendships, my relationships, and just me.

It's stressful. And I want it all to go away so I can focus on me and trying to become a better me. But as of now, that's not really happening.




I swear, paradise is calling me. Where there is nothing to worry about. No tears, no stress, no compromise, just, pure bliss. Is that so hard to ask for?...

I wish more people, especially my friends, would read this and understand what is going on underneath all they see at school... I guess that's too much to ask for.
Oh well.. I'm trying here...
I just want everything normal..

-Alexa Starky

? Why.. ?

...Life is hard to deal with. I'm tired of the disappointments. I'm tired of hearing no. I'm tired of hearing I'm not positive about anything. I'm tired of hearing that there are no answers to anything.
I'm just an over weight 18 year old who doesn't know what the next day is going to bring...
I feel disgusting...

There is 1 more thing my mom and I are gonna try out. I'm not going to go into detail with it until I get more on it. But there is 1 more thing... we will see if that works out.

My boyfriend and I are on a 'break'.
That is kind of eating me apart right now.. It's like, what else could go wrong?
I'm breaking. Each blog gets worse. I need good news, and it isn't coming...

I need time to myself, but that's hard to do when life keeps hitting you in the face... I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

I need my friends and family now more than ever...