Letting it all out.

That picture is kind of what I'm feeling right now. PURE STRESS.
I don't think I've ever had a worse week in my life.

1st : I find out that there is not a single answer to my white blood cell count constantly increasing. They KEEP telling me to not worry about it and that we need to try more things. NOT WORRY ABOUT IT?! How can you tell me that I'm supposed to be at a 10,000 count and it is at 16,000?! How am I supposed to remain calm about something like that with no answers?!?!?!?!?!?

2nd: I find out I can't get my lap band surgery... Why? Because people keep asking for it and my stupid ass insurance doesn't want to spend the money to save people from their fat bodies... I can't keep looking in the mirror and seeing this.. Knowing that they can't help me tears me apart. It was my answer. It was my way out. It was my help and my guide to a better life. And they shut it all down with 1 phone call.. I cannot even explain how STRESSFUL that is.

3rd: Apparently because I work hard and do everything and am so dedicated to a specific thing, I don't get rewarded...because I'm so busy. WTF?! Is that even a logical statement? Because I'm busy doing everything for a specific someone (not going to give detail due to the people reading this) I don't get rewarded... I don't see anything right with those words. I work so hard to be the best at something. It's something that not a lot of over weight girls do. I'm in the Advanced Choir. I'm the heaviest one in there. Like that isn't weird enough? I want to be normal. I want to fit in. I want to look at my concert DVDs and not feel ashamed that I'm the only one who looks disgusting. I want to be pretty..and looked at differently. And I do so much there. I do everything I can. And because I do so much, I can't be given something that would make it feel worth it...

I feel so worthless, readers. I've never felt so low about myself. I feel like I'm running out of options here. Nothing is inspiring anymore. Nothing is worth it any longer. I'm running out of passion and feeling.

I need help...

-Alexa Starky..

Insurance Always Has The Last Word

Getting right to the point.
Insurance sucks.

They said no to my lap band surgery. Why? Because they didn't want to pay.
They really don't know who they break down when they say no to something like that.

So, easy to say, I broke down. My heart broke. Because I was so confident and excited.
But, insurance can suck it.

I am on a mission to do this ALONE. My dad and I made a deal, that I'm keeping to myself, where if I loose 100 pounds by my graduation (in May) I get a prize.

I think it is a good motivation and I need to do this. For me.

SO, I need motivation! My friends NEED to slap my wrist if I go for something stupid! Hear me?? PLEASE STOP ME FROM RUINING THIS FOR ME.

Here we go again. A new start, lap band free.

-Alexa Starky

BMI = TMI

Step 1: Complete.
I went to my Lap Band seminar and it was incredibly informative. I've filled and turned in all of the paper work and am waiting for them to call which will be in about 3 weeks latest. The seminar taught me a lot about what is going on inside me and what exactly happens when you get the band. It sounds like a blessing for me. It is everything I could ever dream of and I feel like it is finally set in stone that this is exactly what will happen in the future.
I certainly have my mom to thank for all of this. She makes it all possible. She is my wall and she has helped me through so much! Thanks Mom :)

Also, my eyes were opened to what worse could look like. At the seminar, some of the people had to be in wheelchairs because they couldn't walk, some people didn't fit in their chairs, or had to use canes. Some people were so large, it was so hard to look at. I felt so much pain for them because it is so unfair. I don't see how anyone can bully or make fun of someone like me when it can get so much worse and is a scary and harmful condition to be in. It made me realize it could be worse and that I need to do something about this, and fast.

And about the BMI thing. Yeah, NOT ok. If you do not know, BMI stands for Body Mass Index. And it is on a paper and it is like a grid determining where you are and what is healthy and what is obese or even worse. It is scary to see where you are on the scale BMI wise. You want to drop it so badly. And the seminar and the BMI scale really opened my eyes that I need to work on this and fix this, and fast. My BMI is certainly TMI.

As for the Weight Watchers update : I did really well this week which was rather surprising to me. I lost almost 3 pounds this week which is really good. I bet it was because of the craziness and stress of homecoming week and the dance (where I must have burned all my calories from the whole week!).

And as for doctor stuff, I am unsure of what is going on... They don't know what is up with my massive white blood cell count and we are going to be doing more tests in about 8 weeks to see if it will elevate even more than it already has. It is complicated and my stress and anxiety has given me other problems such as sleep deprivation.. So I am on a medicine that should help that.
In other words, I am a happy, satisfied, but stressed out hot mess.
Thats the only way I really know how to put it.

It is a crazy and wild journey, but I am taking baby steps and large leaps of faith. And I think all of this will eventually lead me to the right place.

-Alexa Starky

6 months too long..

I can't wait anymore.
I am almost 4 months into this 6 month long wait to get the lap band and I can't take another day without it..
I went to my therapist today and she told me to close my eyes and imagine myself at a party as myself. Then to imagine a thinner me and how the 2 people differed.
I was happier and I felt pretty thin. And now I feel like a gross piece of garbage.
What teenager deserves feeling like this?..

I keep doing research about this lap band and the more I learn the more I want it. I want it so badly..

I REALLY wish people could experience being over weight for one day and see how their life changes. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty looking like this.
Everyone should get a taste of this medicine...

I just don't want it anymore..I don't want to look like this anymore...

Why can't January just be here?...
I want my life back.
I want my personality back.
I want me back.
-Alexa Starky..

I Feel, Special.

When someone says 'I have amazing friends' that is, SUCH an understatement for me.
My friends raised the bar yesterday throwing me a surprise party! It was one of the best nights of my life. I never felt so special. It was that 'everyone was thinking about me tonight' happy stomach feeling. I couldn't have asked for a better night.

However, I came home and started to cry. And, I honestly had no idea why. I have been having these odd dreams that make me confused in the morning. My mood switches so quickly. I can go from SO happy to tears in a matter of minutes..and I don't know why.

After I got home, I felt so special but I felt so alone.

My life changed this year, a lot. I became friends with new people, I am planning the next stage in life, and I've just been seeing things differently..
I think the big issue here, for me, is that everything is changing, except the one thing I want to change. Me. My exterior. I seem happy to my friends, and if they are reading this, I am. But not like I should be.
I'm tired of looking at pictures of me saying 'this picture would look SO much better if I was thinner..'

So, I decided I am going to keep going to the gym and stay on weight watchers but I am thinking of getting the lap band. Might as well tell everyone. I mean, this is my truth blog and I want people to know what I am thinking and feeling.
But, I have been looking into it since last year. And now that I am 18 and on a doctor monitored diet, I am really getting serious about it. It doesn't take the weight off suddenly. It just monitors what you eat and how portions work and I think it would really help me out.
Of course afterward I will keep going with weight watchers and working out as if I didn't get it but I just need it. I wanted to do this the natural way, but honestly, it is so much easier said than done.

I just want that happy-feel-good feeling again. I used to have that but I really haven't lately.

Let me know what you all think of my choice. My purpose for this blog is to hear your ideas and let me know what you are thinking. Please no negativity, that is the last thing I need. But I do want to know what is going on in the minds I care so much about.

Thank you.
-Alexa Starky