I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks. I just sit and stare at the dark ceiling all night until I finally pass out. My dreams are strange and complicated, but I remember every detail of them lately. I wake up confused and quite frankly sad, because my dreams are more exciting than my life right now.
I am going through a strange time. I am not where I thought I would be. And it's sad that everything I went through, led me to this spot right now.
Thinking about my surgery I will undergo, both excites me, and depresses the hell out of me. Who wants to cut their stomach out at 20 years old??? Who is that desperate? All my life I was overweight, and all my life I was bullied for it.
When I was in 4th grade, a kid told me I shook the bus....
Freshman year I walked into a McDonalds and kids from my school loudly coughed 'fat' as I walked by.
All my life I felt different and ugly... Guys say that girls are stupid and naive because we call them jerks. Well honestly, I'll stop calling you jerks when you stop staring at me like I'm the elephant in the room... literally.
I can't even walk into a sushi restaurant in Scottsdale because I feel like I'm literally drowning in beautiful people. I feel... so ugly. And as much as my friends and family tell me otherwise, how can you not believe what you've heard from people all your life? When social media and society is telling you RIGHT TO YOUR FACE that you aren't good enough, and don't fit in, how are you supposed to feel? It's like being rejected by your entire society...
I didn't want to be here. I have tried everything in my power to lose this weight... I've done everything! Weight Watchers, miracle pills, working out everyday, vegetable diets, protein diets, liquid diets, no eating diets, throwing your food up diet....
I feel like a failure...
I didn't want to be here.... I don't want to be me...
I act happy with my friends, and sometimes I really am happy. But, I am really good at hiding my feelings and really good at faking a smile.
I am taking medication for this depression, and I am depressed about that! It is a never ending circle and I can't stop going around and around and around and I feel like there is no end and it is killing me and exhausting me and all I ever want to do is give up because nothing is working!
After all of this venting, I hope it proves how anxious and excited I am to get surgery. Firstly, to help with my medical problems... But to finally feel that looking at myself won't be such a chore. I need this...
And I just need my friends to be patient with me... Because I'm not myself. And if you're reading this, PLEASE, all I ask is to just help me enjoy my time right now. Help me laugh and enjoy myself, because I'm not doing much of that anymore.
That would mean everything to me right now.
This post is to let it all out. Just let everyone see what they wanted to hear out of me. I don't want to talk about it outside of my blog. I just want my friends to read this and know that I am crying like crazy writing this at 3 on a Wednesday morning.
If you're reading this, seriously thank you. This is such a hard time for me. And it's been a tough and heartbreaking year. And I REALLY do think that the end of this year will change completely and things will turn around. Having my friends, family, and my therapist is everything to me. I don't know where I would be... I honestly don't think I could handle being on this earth without any of you.
All I ask is that, when you see someone who maybe doesn't look so happy or is simply different... Do something to make their day. You don't know what is happening in their life, and a simple smile or compliment makes their whole world. I know that's what happens to me.
This will probably be my last blog until surgery details come about. It's hard to express these emotions and face the fact that someone is reading it... But that's what I made this blog for. To express the words I would never dare say out loud.
Thanks for reading this... Comment below and I'll gladly respond.
I just can't wait to be different....
-Alexa.
