Lily & Marshall.

.I've grown to absolutely love the show How I Met Your Mother. It's incredibly smart and it cracks me up. I watch it everyday.
It's about one of the main characters, Ted, telling his kids the whole story about how he met their mother. And he has his 2 best friends, Lily and Marshall.

They are each others soul mate. They make each other so happy. Everything they do, they do it for each other, and it's so cute.

I want a Lily and Marshall relationship one day. I'm always asking myself "what did today mean? Why did this happen? What will this bring up later?" I think the universe works in crazy ways and it brings people together and breaks people apart for a reason.

It's been a really insane 2 years. A lot of feelings come and go. There are smiles and break downs.
(I'm about to curse, Mom)
I think this all happens for a reason, the scary part is that we have no fucking idea why it's happening. And we have absolutely no idea when we will find out.

I'm working to make myself stronger and more independent. I'm working on finding myself and figuring out where I'm going. But it's so hard to really know. And I'm scared.

I guess I'm just hoping for that Lily and Marshall relationship one day, where it all kind of molds together and nothing else matters. Everything happening now will be worth it that one day. I have no idea when it's coming. It could be tomorrow, next year, 5 years, even 10 years.
I have no idea...

I just have to keep living the way I am, bring new people in, and maybe let some people go.

-Alexa Starky

I Can't Sleep.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I have school tomorrow.
Oh well.

I lost 5 pounds this week. This no wheat/weight watchers/working out thing is working really well. I feel a lot better in my body.
I'm liking school, but there is a ton of work already, and the homework is already piled. But, I think I've officially fallen back in love with acting. I've absorbed all the passion again and I'm in it 100%.
I'm getting to know a lot of incredible human beings. I'm really grateful for where I am right now.

But, with working too many hours, not getting enough sleep (as seen tonight), and all the homework, I think I'm going crazy.
I'm at work pulling my hair out, I'm in class barely understanding, I think the only place where I find complete euphoria and serendipity, is my acting class. I find my old self in there. And it's a place where I can learn and morph myself and create. It's good having passion again.
I almost forgot what it was like.

It's crazy what the wheat and gluten did to me. I can definitely feel a change in myself since I let it out of my system. It sucks losing so many food options, but I'm surviving.
I guess sleep should be on the list tonight. This was just a small update.
It's all definitely getting somewhere, and it's definitely worth it.

As for boy update: still standing strong and alone. I'm happy, but still really confused as to feelings and what's going on in my head and my heart. It's clearly not my number one issue or thought right now. I'm just seeing where it all takes me. Who knows. :)

-Alexa Starky

Sure I want that, but I want this more.

Sure I want a thin, sexy body fast, but I want the satisfaction and pride more.

Sure I want fame and fortune, but I want to be remembered for doing something amazing more.

Sure I want a man to sweep me off my feet, but I want to prove to myself that I can stand alone.

Sure I want the man of my dreams, but I want to fulfill my own dreams more.

Sure I want to show him off everyday, but I want to show off and work it myself more.

Sure I want life to be easier, but I want the challenge more.

Sure I want the relationship every girl dreams of and envies, but I want that relationship with myself more.

Sure I want to have that dependence on someone, but I want to be independent more.

Sure I want the love notes and sweetness, but I want to know it without it being told to me.

Sure I want to know, but I want to believe more.

Sure I want to be told I'm beautiful everyday, but I want to know and believe that I'm beautiful myself more.

I want a lot of things. I want the guy, but, I have him. He's funny, kind, sweet, so cute, and smart. But the best part, is he is independent. He knows what he wants, and I want that. I mean, he likes me :) And I like him.
Now it's time for me to love myself.

I dedicate this blog to him. He doesn't know it, but he opened my eyes to what I need more.

Love yourself. Know your limits. And just enjoy the ride.

Thank you.

-Alexa Starky

I'm so happy!

My first day of the second semester was amazing.
My 102 English class has some really awesome people in it. And you can already tell how passionate the teacher is.

And of course it was weird walking into my acting class without all of the people that I love in there. Myself and the 3 others from last semester felt very lost. BUT, for the first time... I didn't feel like the freak in the class. I got to open up and we got to talk and they are all awesome people and I'm really excited for more memories and make more friends.

It's cool telling my story and letting people in. I should do it more often.
It's going to be incredible.

I'm not as excited for tomorrow but we will see. I mean, what can be fun about computer class and public speaking?

I just couldn't believe I sat there and didn't feel like the freak in the class. I'm always the bigger one, the quieter one, no one gets to really meet me. But, this felt like a big improvement for me.

Lately it's all work and not much play, so I'm glad I will be able to play and explore in theater again. I work everyday this week, I'm going to the gym, and now I have school.
Also, I'm gluten free. No more breads. It's bad for me, I'm allergic, that's it.

I'm so happy and this semester should be good for me :)
Here's to more weight loss, creation, happiness, and ambition.

-Alexa Starky

2012 update.

Hey everyone.

Still haven't gotten my computer fixed. But, that I'm not worrying about. It's fixing me that I'm focused on.

So here is my list of what's been going on, and what is my grand 2012 plan.

- Sad to say Ballys got bought out by LAfitness. So, I'm now like everyone else, and a member of them. RIP Ballys. It's been a fun 2 years. Been to the gym a lot more lately. Finding the real pain in weight lifting. It's a pain, but worth it.

- I went to my 1st W.W. (Weight Watchers) meeting yesterday. It's time for a new start and a new mental habit. And I really believe this can work for me.

- I haven't felt comfortable in my skin lately. So I'm hoping this month will boost a lot of that love for myself back into gear. It's been a hard last few months of 2011. I'm ready to fix it.

- I'm 100% single. I need to focus on myself, and I couldn't do that with where I was at. I was frustrated and stressed about things that shouldn't be stressed. My focus is me and only me. But we will see where that little path goes in 2012. Who knows.

- The 2nd semester starts next week. I'm not as excited because I grew so in love with my other classes. But I'm excited to create new memories and experience something new.

-Hopefully my dad isn't reading this. ;) Because, this year, I'm going to try and get my first tattoo. I literally think about it every single day. I know exactly what I want, where I want it, and I've known for over a year now. I want to get it by May if not before then.

- I've changed my mindset, made sacrifices, and put my focus on bigger and better things. And my goal is to succeed and create a better me. I think this is the year.

I love you all so much.

My readers for almost 2 years now! It's crazy how far we've come.

- Alexa Starky

I'M BACK!

I signed up for Weight Watchers yesterday.

Yes, those stupid commercials work.

It's a new year darn it!

It's crazy that a year ago I was writing all about my experiences with Weight Watchers. All the successes and struggles. And now it's take 2.

Lets see what I can do for myself. Because I'm so ready and so motivated.

I'm in this for the long run. I'm in it alone. And I'm ready to change.

YAY!

p.s. My computer broke, which is why I haven't been writing or posting videos. But I will have it fixed and it's on baby!

I love you all so much!

Learningasigo, take 2.

-Alexa Starky