This Isn't My Prettiest Blog...

I'm fed up.
I write a blog about my life and my hardships of being an overweight teen girl. I've been doing this for over a year. I'm not afraid to say anything anymore.

It's so hard! Being typecasted because I'm fat. Being the fat girl in choir. Being looked at by strangers not knowing whether its my cool earings or my weight. Even thinking that bulimia is an answer. For not wanting to eat. It's disgusting and I've honestly had enough of everything!

I mean, I'm the last person to want to disappoint my family and friends. I try SO hard to keep up with this blog. I try so hard to change. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, sneak out, yell, nothing! I go to school, I go to work, I hang with my family, and do it all over.
But lately... I've been wanting to rebel. I haven't been caring anymore...

I learn, work, and sleep. Everyday. And I've been frustrated. Because I have a day off.. I want to go out to see my boyfriend I haven't seen in a week. It's around 11 at night. He made brownies with his mom and I just want to hang out over there. And I can't because my family doesn't trust me going out "this late.." Like, give me a break! I'm going to go eat a brownie and play cards! I'm not going out to get drunk and sleep around and pretend I'm some awesome kid. No, I'm an overweight teen girl who just wants to get out on her night off. And, I'm 19 years old.

It's natural to want what you can't have. Tell me no, I will only want it more. It's the way it is. And I'm fed up with the lack of trust.

I want to get out of the house and live my life. All my friends are doing it in college, and I'm trapped at home at 11 at night?! I'm fed up!
I know this blog is kind of a rant, and I'm sorry. But, I needed to say something.
I've been through too much and I have been afraid my whole life to speak up!

So I'm just venting to a place that won't talk back at me or judge me... Sadly that is a blog.. but it's better than nothing...

I might be having a mental breakdown... And I might have to take a break from the blog and from the mission for awhile.. or I might go insane... :'(

-Alexa Starky.

The One Thing I Don't Want To Get Smaller..

As I lose weight, I'm noticing only one thing really getting noticeably smaller....
My chest...
(Hi close friends and family. Sorry I'm awkward and honest! :P )

But really. Like, come on. The stomach, hello! The thighs. Like, give me a break. That's the stuff that needs to go. Not the boobs.

Frustrating.

Aaaaanyway.

I miss writing! I miss you guys! I miss the freakin' gym! School and work are killing me! No more time. So instead I work out awkwardly in my room every night, which is good. And I'm eating better, also good. I've been spending money like crazy! I don't even know where it's going, but yay! Pay day tomorrow. :) Ohh, what a life..

Decided after I lose 30 more pounds I'm getting myself a special gift that will last a life time :) Exciting!

I had a day off and to myself for once and happily spent it with my lovely mom and sister. It was great to finally have a night to myself. I certainly miss it. But I do love being busy. Just gotta keep focused on the weight. I'm working on it and it's definitely a life change and a process.

I love you all so much!

Aaaand, that's my update!
Love love love!

-Alexa Starky

I will be making a vlog soon!

Negativity...

If I need to keep hearing the stupid stuff I'm going to explode.

I don't want to get into detail but I feel like everything is so negative! God forbid I say things like "I'm hungry." Because then all I hear is "Well it's late so don't eat a lot." Like, give me a break! I didn't have dinner.

It's those tiny, little things that just drive me over the edge.

I've been incredibly stressed out..

With working 5 days a week, school 5 days a week, attempting other things in my life, I'm over my limit. It's very stressful. I'm going to try to start going to the gym on my days off of work but it's getting almost impossible.

I'm so frustrated.. I feel like I made this commitment to lose weight and life is getting in the way...

I'm happy in my theater class, and when I'm at work, but all the little details involved are eating me away. And I'm not sure how much more I can take... And I'm worried.

I keep on thinking it will get easier, but, it's been over 6 weeks and it's only gotten worse...

Any advice?

-Alexa Starky

Funny how this all works out...

Some people must have a radar.
Like, when something is finally going right in your life, when things are going really well, they know of it and then just dive right in and make it all complex or strange again. People are good at this, and their timing is superb.

I'm doing alright.. I've been so busy with working and with school. Homework is piling and sleep is becoming less and less frequent.
I have not been to the gym in too long. Going to start going on my days off and in the mornings. It's getting ridiculous. And 17 people liked my page and I need to lose 1 pound for each like!
P.S. like my page on facebook. Just look up my mission to change. Should be there.

My birthday was amazing. Thank you for all the love. Kinda crazy to see where I was and what I've become in only 1 year.

I'm officially changing my major. It's clear that I'm a writer, seems that it's all I do anymore. And I thought of a good idea for a fiction book today. Kinda based on my life. We will see.

Life is coming together. I just need to lose this weight. I'm sick and tired of it and I want jaws to drop even further.

The support is incredible, as always.

Keep supporting. Keep motivating. Keep inspiring.

-Alexa Starky

Size what?!

I was at work yesterday and I fell in love with these adorable jeans.
They seemed ok, then I noticed they were a size 12...
I knew they weren't going to fit seems that I haven't gotten into a 12 since middle school.

I liked them so much though.. So I went into our fitting rooms to try them on.

I don't know how it happened. It might be the jeans themselves.
But. I fit in them and they are ridiculously adorable. They zipped up and I just stood there with my jaw on the floor.

Not only were they 50% off, but they fit me! A 12! Seems that it used to be 18 and 20's that were my only option, this is incredible.

I love these jeans :)

-Alexa Starky