I Just Want To Be Skinny... :/

Slowly and painfully getting there. I'm at the gym every single day. Everyday! No breaks. And I just haven't been getting the results I want. And I've been with this blog for 13 months now, so it's been a long time and I just don't feel fully satisfied. At the gym there are these RIDICULOUSLY gorgeous guys and I just think, they would never go for someone like me. Because I'm not thin and beautiful and a model. I'm not the type most would 'lust' over and it's really frustrating.

And also, because I have had some success, I've become the therapist for others. I ADORE helping and I love it, but I don't feel like I'm on the right path anymore. And recently I've been looking at myself wondering if I will ever change. Morph into something new, and beautiful in a different way...
I'm also lonely... I want that perfect guy, that perfect summer romance, that perfect moment.

I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life. -Easy A

I want something. I want that feeling again that things are just perfectly perfect. Because I don't feel perfect...


I just work so hard everyday and hope, but never seem to succeed.
Might try a strict diet if this keeps up. I need something to change because I really don't want to start spiraling downward...

Help from my supporters?..


-Alexa Starky

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Dear Bronchitis,

Dear Bronchitis,

I hate you. You keep me awake at night. I've gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep this whole week. You keep me up until 4 in the morning coughing out a lung. You keep me by the toilet throwing up due to all the coughing. I haven't been to the gym all week because of you. I've been stuck in my house doing nothing because of you. I hear horror stories that you will be here longer than I would like. You have me taking sleep medicines that make me feel as high as a kite. I. HATE. YOU.

And to top it off, there was this REALLY cute guy at the doctor when I left her office. He was in the waiting room and I was heading to the door. He was smiling at me and staring and I would look like an idiot sticking around the office once I was done so I had no choice but to leave! Grrr. Basically, nothing good as come out of having bronchitis. I haven't even lost weight because you still want to eat. It doesn't make you not hungry.

I'm not a happy camper needless to say...
Hopefully it will go away soon..

-Alexa Starky

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Tony Awards. Enough Said.

Oh my gosh! So who else watched the Tony Awards tonight?! Everything that was happening on the screen I was freaking out! I was like YAY this! Or YAY that! Or YES! They won! It was like a whirlwind of theater excitement! I know, I know, theater nerd x 10000. But it was so incredible and SO inspiring. Like it is every year.

And of course, it got me thinking. That could be me. That could be anyone. But it seems so unbelievable and impossible, that I don't try. I mean, come on! It's my life, theater! There is a whole other world out there that I haven't witnessed yet!
After I was done singing Don't Rain On My Parade about 50 times in my room after the Tony's, I realized that I need to keep trying. I'm excited for what the future has to offer me! So, I'm going to keep singing, keep acting, be active in it in college, and keep going to the gym!

I may have changed a lot since last year, But I haven't changed enough! And it's happening for me. Slowly but surly. It's incredible to know that I have a whole life ahead of me. I like the beginning of my chapter 2 in life. It's getting better.



Also, I loved my 1 year anniversary with my blog. I took the time to read from the beginning to now and it's CRAZY how much I've changed. Only 1 year ago, and I feel like a whole new Alexa. But like I said, it isn't over for me. High school was just the pre-test. Now it's on to a whole new class.

-Alexa Starky

Summer isn't helping.

I sleep all morning. I go to the gym every day. I don't feel myself losing any weight and it proves it on the scale every week. I'm losing like a pound here and there. But nothing is happening.
It's very frustrating especially when you are at the gym every single day of the week. I will need to keep up on the eating healthier and such. Also making it a goal to FIND A JOB. I'm desperate. So if anyone knows of a place that's hiring, please let me know.

It's all been slowly sloping downward and I hope to stop that here soon.
We will see..

-Alexa Starky

I will tell my story one day.

My sister and I made this hilarious youtube video! And I will admit, it isn't the best angle. But, man. I thought getting 120 some views in 2 days was pretty awesome. But the comments left were less then kind. They were horrible...

Currently, I'm sitting in my room, crying. I have been for about 30 minutes now. I'm crying because, I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm crying because I work SO damn hard to create a better me, and people just keep talking. Running their mouths like they actually have reason. STRANGERS! PEERS! PEOPLE! People just suck.

I can't help but think, one day.....

One day I will be sitting on a couch or chair. With Ellen or some interviewer. With MILLIONS of fans watching me. With me telling my story. Crying my eyes out because this pain will never go away. Talking about how these HORRIBLE, EVIL, DISGUSTING people, who tore me up so many times.. made me SO strong. And how I became this way because of those people who shot me down so many times. All the times I was laughed at, called names, made fun of, stared at. All the painful moments that stick inside you like a drug. It all created someone who wants to make a difference. Help others. And heal people who have been beaten just like me.

I want to inspire. And tonight.. tonight just made it that much clearer on what I need to do. It's going to take a lot. And it's going to be hard to keep getting up after people metaphorically trip me a million times. But I'm going to get there.

Bullies, just watch me. Just watch.

-Alexa Starky

Is Real Life Just A Game?

As I sit here in a Coffee Bean with my parfait and iced coffee with my best friend, I think, Life is a little mind game.
My goal is, of course, the weight loss. But another goal is to figure myself out. Where I see myself in the many years to come. To defeat the evil junk food monsters and stress demons inside your mind game. And you need to gain points to encourage yourself and motivate you to defeat them. It's a whole lot harder to come across the monsters and demons than it is to find some encouragement. But when you do defeat them or find those points, you reach another level. A new high in the mind.
Not to mention the other things that get in the way of your goals. Like, oh I don't know, boys! They just pop up on your trail and leap into your mind and your heart. I mean come on, it's like cheating in your game. It tends to take you off your path and it can be very frustrating.

I'm just going through a lot. A ton of stuff to think about. The expenses of life. The responsibility of having a car of your own. Having to learn a whole new world of college and growing up. My 1 year with My Mission To Change is in 2 days. I will have to celebrate! My accomplishments and how far I've gotten, and how many readers I have. It will all be celebrated with a lovely blog and a special day for me.

Until then, I will be defeating the monsters in my mind some more and head to the gym.

-Alexa Starky

Reality is Scary

I don't think I was prepared to take on the whole world yet.
The day I graduated, got a car, and went out into the real world, it all hit me like a ton of bricks with no warning. I had no idea what I was getting into.

My best friends are leaving.
I'm on my own with school.
I have to decide the rest of my life.
Gas and maintaining a car is expensive.
I need a job ASAP.
I need to pick classes.
I need to learn how to live...

It's all really scary, especially for someone who has only had losing weight on her mind for almost a year now. There is a lot to think of and a lot to decide and it's getting overwhelming.
I just hope it all gets easier. But it will take a lot of hard work and dedication. Not to mention TONS of therapy and trips to the gym. Which I'm going to 6 days a week now! Yay for that!

Hm, but another thought that's been on my mind. I need a summer romance.. I need that special feeling again. I miss it a lot. I love that I'm loving myself finally, but, can't someone else as well?.. I don't know, I guess that's what happens when I let myself out there through a blog. You want to let yourself out there in every other place, especially your heart. It's difficult and I wish I didn't feel this way. But, I am definitely that girl who listens to her heart, not her head.
Which can be really great, or not so much.

Lets just hope all the puzzle pieces of summer comes together soon.

-Alexa Starky