Oh Hey! :)

Update!

Doing well. Doing much better.
Got into the spring musical, Crazy For You. Am I fond of my part, not really, but I will definitely take it and enjoy the last musical of my high school career, and probably ever..
It's crazy that it's all ending so quickly before my eyes.

I'm doing well on the eating and losing weight. It's cool to see the difference in numbers on the scale.
It's a nice accomplishment and I'm feeling good.

I'm going to start back on the gym everyday after rehearsals. Gotta keep a good rhythm going.

Met a cute boy, who likes me. Who freakin' knows where that will go. But it's really cool to have that feeling again.
It's nice to feel happy. I've missed it. :)

AND! Made it to 30 followers! I know people who read it and aren't followers so knowing there are 30 and then some, is the best feeling in the world!
Thanks for the support! It keeps me going :)

Bring it on!

-Alexa Starky

I Could Get Used To This.

The wise words of Katy Perry are indeed correct.
'After a hurricane, comes a rainbow.'

Right now, is my rainbow. I'm doing well. I've been more positive. I've been a happier person. And it came right on time.
I did my musical auditions the past few days and today was dancing. And, I felt SO confident for the first time in a long time.

It could have something to do with the weight I've lost.

Or it could have something to do with a boy I met. But we aren't getting into that here :)

But, I feel like I did really well. And it's the first time in my 4 years of dance auditions that I truly felt confident.
Weird right?

But, I am proud to say things are looking up a bit more for me. Who knows what's next.
Hopefully a part in the show? More weight gone? A...relationship?
Who really knows!

And finally, I'm excited. :)

-Alexa Starky

SCREAMING IN PILLOWS!!!!

I. HATE. VALENTINES. DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This feeling! This feeling of being SOOO alone! My heart hurts SO badly! I haven't moved for hours because there is just no reason anymore.
I put my heart out there and I swear, It's just getting beat up. And it hurts SO BADLY!
I've never felt so alone in my life...

And it seems like nothing has gone right. I can't think of a single positive thing this week.
Everything has changed. My whole world is sinking.
All of these regrets sitting inside. I hate myself. I hate what I've done. And I'm trying SOO hard to change and it's only turning out horrible!
I'm have a freaking panic attack because I've laid everything on the line for people and I feel like all I've gotten is a slap in the face.

My heart still belongs to someone else... And I told them... And it was just another mistake. Because I'm even more alone knowing it's all over.
The things I would do to change this... :'(

What am I supposed to do when I feel like nothing can get better??

-Alexa Starky...

Despite the Issues, the scale is still rockin' my socks!

Lost another 3 pounds. Despite my sickness and lack of gymage. :)
It's REALLY incredible to see the numbers going down.
It's a real sense of accomplishment. And looking in the mirror is finally getting easier to do.

I also realized that I have some REALLY great human beings in this world. Out of the billions and billions of people sitting in this world, I met some that REALLY make me smile. I can talk to them about anything. I can scream at them and then get a hug afterward. I always know they are just a text away.

And I LOVE that they read my blog. That means the world to me! Knowing that they talk about it or read it, is just incredible. I feel like this blog helped me to be more honest and open. And, I've lost SO much weight! Is it where I want to be? Well, it can always be better. But I lost A LOT! And I can see it. It's really a cool feeling.

I need to keep this positive feeling up. I really love it.
Even though, I am writing this while laying in bed on oxycodone incredibly ill as I have been for 4 days..
But, really. I am incredibly grateful.

Gotta keep going!

-Alexa Starky

NEED to focus.

I'm SUCH a people pleaser.
I know I'm you're best friend but PLEASE! I'm drowning in your problems!
I'm trying to focus on myself and keep myself sane.
I had a crazy meltdown last night. I just freaked out. Too much at one time I guess. Sat it my room listening to the same song over and over again until 3 in the morning. Sometimes all you really can do is cry..

I'm just stressed with everyone else's problems. I love helping..
But, I need help too.

I'm just afraid of being judged..

I hate knowing that this blog was made to change me for the better and I feel like I'm getting somewhere.. then it all comes to a sudden stop. It's so inconsistent. Very stressful.

I'm just trying so hard to focus and keep my mind on what really matters. It's just hard when little things push their way in front of what you really want..
I'm trying. I really am..

-Alexa Starky

BIG change!

Look! Short hair!
Went into the kitchen and said, 'Mom! I wanna chop my hair off!'
So we went. I got it cut, and I feel like a new person!
I feel like I needed a change like that.
A confidence booster.

I was nervous to do it but man it was so worth it! I love it!
Trying my best to keep the positive attitude. I keep telling myself, who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Had to blog about it!
:)

-Alexa Starky

Well this can't be good..

You know it's getting worse when you're in the car, a stupid Taylor Swift song comes on, you think about the lyrics, pull into your driveway and start crying your eyes out..
Feelings SUCK!

Trying SO hard to stay positive. Tomorrow is a new day.. But for now, well, you get the point.
:/

-Alexa Starky

Crap.

Woke up yet again feeling like the lowest thing on the food chain.
I mean, what is it? I have a great family, awesome friends, school is fun, I'm fine..
But there is something in there that just keeps eating inside and it's painful.

I feel like I did the right thing last night by letting something really important to me go.. I'm not getting into detail of what it was.
But I let it go. I gave it to someone else, and they are SO happy.
But I feel like crap knowing it's gone..
And it will never ever be mine.. It's that greed thing. But I know I'm not good enough for it yet. So I just gave it away.
Now I have to start from scratch.

Just want to go back to sleep. Or go to the gym or something. I don't know. I can't make up my mind because my one motivation isn't really there anymore...

Ugh.

-Alexa Starky