I Don't Even Know Where to Begin.

It's one of those winter breaks..

One where everything seems a little bit off. Where all plans change in one phone call. Where life, changes in one phone call.. It's hard to cope with but, I ended my relationship.. I did it for me, but there is this off feeling inside.. Very off.
It's so off that I actually had to leave my house in order to think for myself and be able to write. I needed a new environment to write in. Somewhere where no one cares, where everyone is living their own lives, somewhere surrounded by the scent of peppermint mochas and new books. Borders.
So, here I am. Sitting alone in a Borders Bookstore. Exactly what I needed.

I just needed to get out and write about this week.. It's been about a week now since I broke it off with Eian.. I knew it was right for me. I needed time to feel for myself and live just for myself. And I am. But, there is that 'what if' still sitting the back of my head pounding at my brain.. All of my plans for this winter break has been canceled.. It's somewhat hard to believe that everything that I knew, is over. I mean, it's a new start, but it's weird. And I'm still unsure if I like it. It's like, as if there wasn't enough to think about. College, high school, weight, family, friends, and now this.. Was it a mistake? Did I truly do what my heart and mind wanted? How do you really know? Is there a moment when you just kind of know?

The other part that really sucks is that my whole mindset is gone. I haven't been focused on the gym or on weight watchers. My mind has been in every other place that I don't feel like I have done my best at all these past few weeks. It's just gotten so hard to keep everything in my mind wandering. It's truly exhausting. I think about it all day, then can't sleep all night. I've been going to sleep at 5 in the morning everyday this past weekend because it is impossible for my brain to shut off. I'm exhausted, readers. I'm truly exhausted.

Another thing is that 2 people from my school died Friday morning at 3 am. RIGHT when I got back from the midnight premiere of Tron with some friends (which everyone needs to see). I didn't know them very well, but it's just another sad factor that happened this week that set the world into a darker place.. I feel like my brain has a positive and negative switch and it always switches without my permission. I cannot even explain how obnoxious and stressful it is.

I guess I really need here is people to be with and things to do. I need to keep myself occupied constantly. Otherwise, my mind goes into a negative state. It's not healthy at all..

I am soo lucky to have the friends and family that I do. I can always go to them and they always know exactly how I am feeling and exactly what to do. They are incredible and I'm grateful. I just need to do more for me..

I will keep the blog posted with how I'm doing.

But this week, just wasn't good.