Hello everyone. It's been awhile and not much has happened to be honest.
But, the comments on my last blog really had me thinking.
An anonymous person decided to inform me on why it is I am overweight. While the content was realistic and according to a doctors charts indeed true, telling me that I'm sending myself to an early grave really didn't help, nor did it make me feel any better.
To the anonymous person, thank you for your advice, but all it really did was depress me more and have me vent to my therapist about you a bit.
I see my therapist every single week. We have pretty much come to the conclusion that, well, I'm a little fucked up in the head. Being bullied my entire life and emotional eating was last weeks discussion. And we managed to really root it down to where it all began and how it led to here. There were many tears, tons of frustration, some hatred, but a real release. It was something so deep inside me, that I managed to hide it under denial, hate, pain, food, and fake smiles...
I am so good at fake smiles. I am quick on my feet, always have been. And I just managed to let all the sadness get pushed deep down. When my therapist managed to get her metaphorical shovel out and tear me a new one, I was able to walk out of her office and breathe.
While it still kills me that I remember the little boy in 4th grade, and the bitchy popular girls who would make fun of my leg fat in 5th and 6th grade, it isn't sitting inside me still like it used to.
What my friends, family, and bullies didn't know was I had major emotional eating problems. I grew up in an environment where we ate to calm ourselves, and we had to eat the entire plate or we couldn't leave the table. My whole family eats to ease emotion, and I learned how to do it at a very young age. I grew up thinking that 'full' was sick to my stomach, can't fit anymore food kind of full. And it really effected how I grew up eating, and exactly why I'd want to eat in the first place. Every time I'd get called names or would get laughed at, I would binge on any food I could possibly get to. I ate so much, every day, for years. When I moved to Paradise Valley and found out I was going to my very first public school, I ate a ridiculous amount of calories every day that summer because I was freaking out inside, and I went to a new school, with new people, at a young age, fatter than I've ever been. That caused me to get bullied even more later causing me to eat even more. This didn't happen because I was lazy and just wanted McDonalds everyday. It happened because I was a sad child who didn't know any better.
I talked to my therapist about this for a long time. We dug deep and it became a positive release, and I don't feel like I'm carrying that burden on my shoulders like I used to. I can breathe.
Well... sort of. My sister and I have noticed that my breathing hasn't been too grand lately. And we later realized that my tonsils were freakishly huge. They were so huge it became a chore to breathe. So, today while I was at work, I couldn't catch a deep breath. So, I left early and headed to the ER for some help. They gave me some medicine to take away the swelling and I will have to get my tonsils removed. Yay for that. So there is another thing to add to my list.
My birthday was last week. It's crazy that I am 20 years old. I decided it was my "I'm not 19 anymore birthday." Because 19 SUCKED!!! I'm excited for what age 20 has to offer!
Now, about that one pretty important thing coming up, meaning my gastric sleeve surgery. It has been a LONG 3 months, but I am done with my primary care diet and maintenance, and everything I need is turned into insurance. So, I should be hearing from my insurance/surgeon soon about my surgery date.
It is becoming more and more real. I am really glad I've followed my instinct and have gotten to this point. I've been eating better, doing productive things during the day, and trying to get out of this emotional distress lull, if you will. I'm trying to run whenever possible, I might be getting myself a treadmill! YAY! And while I'm trying to get my doggies in shape, I'm doing the same for myself.
The only way I know how to end this post is basically by talking once more about the anonymous notes again... I don't know who that person was. But, if it wasn't anonymous, was a little more sympathetic with some sort of understanding that this isn't just weight anymore, it is me as a person and my emotional heath as well as my physical health, it would have been some good criticism and I would have taken it to heart. But, telling me that I am sending myself to an early grave, and pointing fingers and facts at me that I've heard my entire life wasn't helpful in the least bit.
I took it very personally and offensively. I'd appreciate knowing who it was so we can talk about it or have some sort of understanding. If not, I won't let it effect me or my decisions.
I'm excited for what is about to come my way. I sadly don't depend on this blog anymore....
With that being said, I will be deleting (or maybe just not using anymore) this blog. I decided that after surgery I will make a brand new blog. I will leave these problems behind me. I don't want to look back and see my break up with Eian, my heartaches, my old memories. I'm turning into a new person! I want a new start. So, I will keep you all posted on that!
I am definitely learning as I go... and I just keep going.
-Alexa Starky
