You know...

You know that feeling when you really want to say something to someone? Like, you have it so set in your mind. You've rehearsed it about 20 million times alone to yourself. You think about those words before you go to bed. You think the scenario through over and over again. Imagining every possible outcome?
You know that feeling when you have the opportunity to say it out loud, then never do... And you still think about it a million times over.

You know you aren't really ever satisfied because you're so scared of your perfect scene not going as you planned.
I'd kill to have the guts and courage to say what I've been planning for months and months. It eats at me every single day.

But, the more I get screwed over, the less I want to say to you, and more I want to say to the incredible, sweet, generous, real human being next to me. 

Maybe I can't plan the perfect scene with the perfect guy and the perfect outcome. Maybe you have to get torn apart to figure out what is really worth the words....

You know that worthless feeling? That one you get when someone completely screws you over, and you basically feel hollow?

I don't really have that anymore...
You are so not worth the words...

You know that feeling where you can't let go?
You know that feeling where you finally let go, and put it in a blog and move on to the new words you hope to say to someone one day...?

I know that feeling.

I think it's going to be an ok summer. Without you. And with everyone else. 

-Alexa Starky

Bully

I don't know if you all have heard about, or seen, the movie Bully. But if you haven't, you REALLY should! I bring this up because I've had my fair share of being bullied and harassed, which started this blog almost 2 years ago.

This movie opens eyes to the bully, the victim, the parents, the school boards, administrations, and every human being on this planet. There is not a day that goes by I don't think about this film. And I am the BIGGEST movie junkie and it takes a lot for me to really appreciate a film. And this one is on the top of my list.

It's the biggest motivation I have. Where one person, Lee Hirsch, can have the guts to put real life on camera and show people what is being sugar coated.

There is NO sugar coating in this blog. This is the one and only place I can truly speak my mind.

When someone asks me how I'm doing, all I say is fine...
When someone asks me on my blog how I'm doing, I'll tell you how I'm really doing. There is no censorship here. And there is no censoring that movie.

Lee Hirsch commented and liked a wall post I left on the bully facebook page,

https://www.facebook.com/bullymovie

and it just made my life. I really do aspire to be like him. I'm currently writing short stories based on my  experiences. And I am free writing a story based on some of my life problems as well. Right now it's just venting and creativity and an escapism. Who knows what it can become.

I'm so thankful for this blog. I don't know where I'd be without it.... Before I started this blog I was crying every single day. I bottled everything so deep inside of myself I was ready to burst. I am lucky enough to have had a doctors appointment one day, and my doctor asked me to track what I do everyday and how I've been feeling. That lead me right here. And now, a year and 11 months later... look where we are.

To those who have been here since the beginning, there are no words to express the love I have for you. To the anonymous readers, the followers, the facebook friends, everyone.
Things are happening for me this summer... And I can't lie, I'm so excited.

Go check out the movie Bully.

"You're either a bully, bullied, or a by-standard."

Make a difference.

-Alexa Starky

anticipation...

Well I think it is easy to say that the wait is torture. July 1st couldn't be further away. And that is just when I can start this whole thing. Every single day feels extra long lately.

Im getting over him a lot more and have started developing feelings for someone else
.. But that also seems impossible and like a long shot. I figure its best to stay single until I have my  lap band and everything will just get better over time. I think....

- Alexa starky

April Showers Brought May Flowers..

In my last post, someone anonymously posted that April showers would bring May flowers.
TRUE STORY!
I got some good news....

I got a text message from my mom earlier this week saying that our new insurance covers the lap band.
So, when our insurance switches on July 1st I will be getting it. No question. I've wanted it for 3 years now, but didn't have 10,000 bucks to throw away. It is now covered, all we will owe is co-pays.

It will change my life and I couldn't be anymore excited for that.

The pain from my kidney stone I had earlier last month is gone, and my freshman year of college is coming to an end.
I fell madly in love with friends I made and hope to keep them close by forever. I'm sad it's ending but I'm excited to see what's happening next.

I couldn't be more excited for this lap band... I'm counting the days until our insurance changes.

Things are happening, and I'm so grateful I have you guys to be here along the way.

I adore my blog and my readers.

Stepping stones are turning into milestones, and I'm really, really excited.

Alexa Starky