Moving On.

Letting go is hard, really hard.
But it isn't impossible.

I did everything that I have to focus on me. To work on myself. To bring myself back to live as an individual. I think feelings and sadness effected that for a little while. I got exactly what I needed.
Close friends, family, and positive energy surrounding me. I am just so glad I have those people surrounding me to make me feel like I am doing exactly what is right for me.

I just can't believe that high school is almost over. I have become such good friends with some amazing people, and it's hard to believe that in just a few short months, it will all be over. A new life starts. I suppose it is just hard to put together. I just hope I am ready.. But, we will see..

There isn't much to say right now. Things are going well this winter break and I cannot WAIT for new years :)
It's been good, and it can only get better..
Right?

I Don't Even Know Where to Begin.

It's one of those winter breaks..

One where everything seems a little bit off. Where all plans change in one phone call. Where life, changes in one phone call.. It's hard to cope with but, I ended my relationship.. I did it for me, but there is this off feeling inside.. Very off.
It's so off that I actually had to leave my house in order to think for myself and be able to write. I needed a new environment to write in. Somewhere where no one cares, where everyone is living their own lives, somewhere surrounded by the scent of peppermint mochas and new books. Borders.
So, here I am. Sitting alone in a Borders Bookstore. Exactly what I needed.

I just needed to get out and write about this week.. It's been about a week now since I broke it off with Eian.. I knew it was right for me. I needed time to feel for myself and live just for myself. And I am. But, there is that 'what if' still sitting the back of my head pounding at my brain.. All of my plans for this winter break has been canceled.. It's somewhat hard to believe that everything that I knew, is over. I mean, it's a new start, but it's weird. And I'm still unsure if I like it. It's like, as if there wasn't enough to think about. College, high school, weight, family, friends, and now this.. Was it a mistake? Did I truly do what my heart and mind wanted? How do you really know? Is there a moment when you just kind of know?

The other part that really sucks is that my whole mindset is gone. I haven't been focused on the gym or on weight watchers. My mind has been in every other place that I don't feel like I have done my best at all these past few weeks. It's just gotten so hard to keep everything in my mind wandering. It's truly exhausting. I think about it all day, then can't sleep all night. I've been going to sleep at 5 in the morning everyday this past weekend because it is impossible for my brain to shut off. I'm exhausted, readers. I'm truly exhausted.

Another thing is that 2 people from my school died Friday morning at 3 am. RIGHT when I got back from the midnight premiere of Tron with some friends (which everyone needs to see). I didn't know them very well, but it's just another sad factor that happened this week that set the world into a darker place.. I feel like my brain has a positive and negative switch and it always switches without my permission. I cannot even explain how obnoxious and stressful it is.

I guess I really need here is people to be with and things to do. I need to keep myself occupied constantly. Otherwise, my mind goes into a negative state. It's not healthy at all..

I am soo lucky to have the friends and family that I do. I can always go to them and they always know exactly how I am feeling and exactly what to do. They are incredible and I'm grateful. I just need to do more for me..

I will keep the blog posted with how I'm doing.

But this week, just wasn't good.

Some things need a changing.

This blog isn't going to be quite as happy as the ones in the past. A lot of great and positive things have been happening lately. I have been doing a lot better. But there are always those feelings in the back of your head that things aren't all correct.

The transition from last year to this year was a DRAMATIC change. I feel like everything I was like year has diminished. I feel like my perspective and outlook on everything has completely changed. I feel like I've lost friends for this reason. I've gained a lot of friends too, but that doesn't take away from everything I have also lost.

I was just looking at pictures from last year, and I was a different person. I don't see the person in those pictures that I see in me now. It's a good thing, but it's a bad thing. I miss laughing and going out with all of my old friends. A lot of my drama friends especially. Despite how I don't always show it, I miss it. I'm just so busy with running clubs and being involved that new things and new people have hopped into my life. It's hard knowing that everything is kind of gone. Everything I knew from last year is gone.

I'm sure this is just the way life is and that this is normal to "move on" from what you know, but it still doesn't feel right.

I don't know..This is just me venting. I couldn't help but feel odd about myself looking at old pictures. I couldn't help but wonder if I like who I am today. I do, because I feel like I'm making a lot of positive changes and making new friendships and new memories. But I don't like that a lot of it isn't with the people I used to hang out with 24/7.

I just hope these people are reading this and see where I am coming from. I wanna share some of the pictures on here that I was looking at. I hope the people in these pictures know I still love them and cherish our friendship and I would never thing differently. I love you guys. I just hope you all understand I'm trying to become a new person for me, and to make me a happier human being. Not for anyone else, but me.